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According to my notes, I should start off my articles with a picture of someone holding a kitten.
My notes don't say which type. |
Congratulations on choosing a great hobby which will keep your body in good shape and your mind sharp! Many people slap other people while wearing a Madonna mask, such as Brett Targon and Olivia DeLange (two world-famous actors who I made up just now).
Your very first action should be to choose which Madonna you will be 'facing off' as.
Your second should be to compliment me on that excellent pun.
For the purposes of this article, I have chosen to honour a little-known marine researcher known to the world as "Madonna, Lady Of The Great Open Waters And Destroyer Of Men".
However, I was unable to find a picture of her face due to having also made her up just now.
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I did find a picture of this thing here though, which was apparently a kitten once.
Also, I never realised how much badgers look like dwarven tapirs before.
So, you know - I've got that going for me. |
Instead, I will default to the Virgin Madonna, by which I obviously mean “Madonna Ciccone who did some song about being a virgin that one time years ago”.
Notice how I put the wrong link in my previous sentence? If not, 'spoiler alert', I guess.
Well, apparently that's called 'satire' nowadays, and not 'absurdism', because that's evolution of language and apparently not complete and total wankstains not being able to use their native language beyond the level of a fucking primary school student.
Unless that's what 'linguistic evolution' actually is - in which case a certain primary school teacher has owed me an apology for well over 30 years. Just sayin'.
Also, I didn't ramble on about meaningless crap just then with a poorly formulated comedy routine which simply involved me being mean-spirited, that's not what happened.
It was satire, you see. So I get a free pass for everything I ever say no matter what, because 'satire'.
Even though it demonstrably wasn't actually satire, because I clearly wasn't actually satirizing anything.
MAGIC! Hoohoohacha etc.
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Look at me everyone - I'm a talented, intelligent and thoughtful human being and certainly not a piece of walking dogshit wrapped in the skin of a pasty and possibly-literally-retarded shitcunt.
^ modern "satire"
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Wolverine Paul, beloved Disney Star, who I hear is currently bigger in Japan than Tom Waits.
^ ACTUAL fucking satire.
Also, while I've got you here, look into his dead dead eyes and despair for your soul. You know, just for fun. |
Anyway, next you need her face, or a reasonable facsimile.
PROTIP: Just print out a picture of it. The other way is probably more hassle than its worth, unless you're the stupid lame version of the Joker that DC comics forced upon the world fairly recently. Not to worry - I'm sure they'll reboot some time next week.
Moving on.
After somehow procuring her face you then need to decide which era Madonna you want to be.
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Here's a Madonna mask that I prepared earlier.
No, that's not creepy at all.
What a bizarre question to ask!
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I've chosen 2008 Madonna for very deep and spiritually meaningful reasons, and certainly not just because it was the only decent-sized picture of her on the royalty-free-picture-catalog-that-also-has-words-for-some-reason known as Wikipedia.
Well crafted segues are for lame nerds, which brings us neatly to the topic of the Top 5 Ways To Slap Someone While Wearing A Madonna Mask.
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PAPA DON'T SLAP |
5. Callahan style
This one's great for beginners, because there's no actual physical contact required - the idea is to psyche out the slappee without even touching them.
Just look the slappee directly in the face and say “I know what you're thinking. Did I slap 5 people, or 6? You have to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky, punk?”
Some slappees may say something like “That's not how English works. You just asked me if I think that you're feeling lucky. How could I possibly glean that information from the small amount of data that you've given me? Are you new to this whole 'speaking' thing, or are you just very very stupid?”
Others may say silly and unhelpful things like "That's not how that line actually goes".
This may confuse you at first, but don't worry - this is just secret code for ”Please don't merely slap me, please also punch me in the throat”.
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The little-known 'original Stooges': Larry, Madge, and Curly. |
4. The Three Stooges style
This one is ideal for intermediate slappers because the moves are more basic than Eminem's ex apparently is.
To begin get two friends, and poke one of them in their eyes. If they're on the ball, ask them to move off of it because OUCH. However, if they have their mind engaged in the situation, then they'll block your eye-poke by lining their hands vertically with their nose, thereby stopping you from reaching their eyes.
If they do this, just grab one of their ears, and then slap them voraciously about their facial area.
If they don't do this, you'll have poked them in both of their eyes. To celebrate your successful application of this classic slapstick gag, you should slap them with a mad flurry of chops to their midriff.
Eventually, the other friend will ask what they're supposed to be doing. When this happens you should pull their nose, slap them directly on top of the head, and then say "SHUT UP, SHEP".
They will then disappear and nobody will ever mention them ever again.
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It is unknown if Madonna has seen "I Am Sam".
If you properly understood that entire reference, you're probably very very old. |
3. Dr Seuss style
This one is another one that's ideal for intermediate slappers, because the slap itself doesn't matter as much as where in the world that the slap takes place.
Here are a few locations that qualify for this slap type:
- in a house
- with a mouse
- in a box
- with a fox
- in a car
- in a tree
There are many other locations that qualify, so get out there (here and there) to see what other places you can find!
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NOTE: This technique also works well with dead parrots. |
2. Monty Python style
Slap them with a fish instead of your hands.
Although this may seem like an easy slap, fish make notoriously ineffective weapons.
Further, many types of fish don't have the correct body shape for a good fish slap.
I AM LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU, BREAM.
I personally use deboned red gurnards, because that's the only real use for them - they taste terrible and make poor bait.
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1. Kill Paris 'Slap Me' style
This is the only advanced style to appear on this list. I've put this here so that beginners can have some idea of the effort that they'll eventually be expected to put into their chosen hobby.
It's quite complex, so I've broken it down in list form (LISTCEPTION) for you below.
- learn how to do one of the many 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' tricks.
- learn to play bass guitar.
- learn to play 'Slap Me' by Kill Paris by ear, because there's still no good bass tabs for it anywhere on the entire fucking internet. Any music featuring slap bass technique would work for this, but that particular tune is the community standard for this technique, hence the name of the style.
- perform it in front of a few people. Under 50 is ideal, by which I mean 'their ages', not 'the amount of audience members'.
- when you've finished performing the piece, mention over the microphone that you've got a trick to show the audience and that you need a volunteer from the audience.
What to do if nobody volunteers:
Find the biggest bloke in the room and say that you can beat him in a drinking contest. He will then get up on stage with you. When he gets on stage, tell him you forfeit the drinking contest and that he wins. He will, for some reason that I've never understood, not return to the audience. Instead, he will simply sit there awaiting orders like some kind of robotic man.
- in either case, you need to use your chosen 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' tricks, which will wow the audience. But it's not for them, it's for you. You just practiced the most important part of the upcoming trick.
- return to the stage amidst applause (and maybe also red roses being thrown at your feet, if movies are anything to go by).
- all that's left to do now is to take hold of your bass guitar and SLAP THE AUDIENCE MEMBER WITH IT THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. This is why you need your 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' trick.
Remember - make sure you don't hit them too hard. It's supposed to be 'satire' not 'involuntary manslaughter'!
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Good luck out there, and remember:
"Insert lame catchphrase about slapping HERE!"
All pictures in this article were taken from Wikipedia.
The picture of Madonna used in this article was taken from a wikipedia picture belonging to David Shankbone
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SECRET SLAP TECHNIQUE

Wolverine Paul Style
This one is simple to do, but it's very hard to set up.
You have to have the world at your feet, and then completely fuck your reputation by having the same amount of racial sensitivity as 'a sexy Rosa Parks Halloween costume'.
The real trick with this one is that you clearly need a slap yourself, but you'll probably never ever get it.
This trick is made much easier if your parents are clearly negligent, or just plain shitty people.
Hey, I can say that - it's satire.