"Knick Knick, Paddywhack." - from "Squeeze Me Macaroni", by Mr Bungle.
Howdy, readers!
When I was asked to write a music column for Tazmultuous Online because I could and it was all my own idea and everything, my mind went haywire trying to think of the best possible column that I could write.
- "Why Music Matters."
- "Why Music Makes Your Life Better."
- "What Mistakes Have I Made That You Can Learn From?"
- "What Your Pants Can Tell About You As A Musician."
- "Your Family Are ALL Liars: You're Untalented And We Will Laugh At You On Australian Idol And Then On YouTube. Your Grandchildren Will All Be Teased. And Possibly Hunted."
Eventually, I realised that would be a mistake - there is a difference between 'putting your best foot forward', and 'peaking too soon'. In other words:
"What good is one top-notch article if the rest of them are duds?"
So.
That's what I'd like to talk about for my first blog: Standards.
We all have different standards, which actually makes the word completely pointless if you look at it long and hard enough (PROTIP: Don't - that way lies madness, sir or madam. Madness.).
What I consider to be absolute genius, other people might consider to be avante-garde - or even worse, 'funny'. A good example would be Mike Patton, who many of you may know as the singer for Faith No More, Mr Bungle, Tomahawk, or Fantomas (amongst many other acts). Anyway, I really dig his 'Adult Themes For Voices', which is basically just him making noises. One song merely contains him saying the word 'fuck' in as many different ways as he can.
Madness? Yes. But I am hearing something different from you, my-imaginary-reader-who-in-my-head-does-not-like-Mike-Patton. I am hearing something like a racing fan hears when the engines are all firing before the race, when they are all being tuned and tweaked. I am hearing something like a sports fan hears when the commentator agrees with what they are thinking. I am hearing something like you hear when you hear a noise that reminds you of a video game or your workplace and it momentarily takes you to another place, mentally.
"Yes, that's a lovely bit of prose, but what's your point?", I can hear you say. "How is this related to standards?"
Only by realizing that we cannot actually guarantee the standards we want, can we begin to understand what our personal standards are - we can't control what other people hear, we can only influence it. Also, that prose was actually terrible.
Here is an example:
I have a song I've been working on for at least 10 years. I am not in a position to get it recorded any better than it is. Lyrically, it's my finest work blah blah blah lots of work blah blah blah my idea of the perfect pop ballad blah blah blah sincere and heartfelt blah blah blah my pants are nice blah blah blah etc.
What's it called?
Anyone?
Even the people who follow my work will be hard pressed to know which one I mean. Because I recorded it and let it stand for itself. As in 'didn't market, at all'. Because it was up to my personal standards.
That was pretty dumb. Do you know why?
Because Friday, by Rebecca Black.
Pick a place in the world, any place with access to the internet.
Let's say... Seattle. Because Soundgarden, damn it.
Now - find someone. Anyone.
Let's assume that there's somebody who lives there called 'Janet' (for 2 reasons: because I like the name, and because I have the keyboard).
Ask Janet from Seattle what that song by Paddy was - and she'll be all like "Whuh?", or possibly the more stylish "Wait - who?". Ask her what that song by Rebecca Black was, and she'll probably punch you in the face. Or maybe stab you, if she grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.
The point is that Rebecca Black is well known. But who am I to the internet? Just another fool with words and music to spare.
"But at least you aren't known for Friday!", you say.
No, I'm not. I'm not known for any of my works.
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See, Music isn't like other industries, which goes both ways.
Try this out (without using any fictional characters):
- Name 5 famous video game designers
- Name 5 famous petrol station attendants
- Name 5 famous movie sound effects engineers
The keyword is Famous - if your parents wouldn't know how they are, or if you have to wiki them to double check something, then it doesn't count.
Okay, now you can use fictional characters, too.
Didn't change much, did it?
(All I got a whole bunch of Video Game Developers, but the only ones I wish to mention/free-advertise are Cyrptic, Peter Molyneaux, Tim Shaffer and Michel Ansel. Also, I can think of some deadset kickass petrol station attendants, but they aren't famous. In one case, I'm inclined to say 'aren't famous yet' - but I digress.)
If you did name 5 in any of those categories - then well done in obviously being a hobby specialist (or professional) in those fields. Because everyone else was all like "Whuh?" (or possibly the more stylish "Wait - who?"). But here's the thing - it's probably a safe bet that you've used their services (or enjoyed the results of said services) over the last month.
ESPECIALLY the petrol service attendants.
You can go for days without listening to music. Can you go for days without your car needing fuel? Who really deserves to be famous there?
Just think about that for a second.
(Here is an ASCII snail for you to enjoy while you do so. My daughter designed it.)
&@_ .................
(The dots are his slime, see? My daughter is awesome. )
Music is a specialist field that most people are actually into (unlike, say, 'armadillo husbandry'), and as a result a lot of people carry around specialized knowledge of their favourite artist(s). We call those people 'fans' and we call the knowledge 'trivia' or 'gossip'. Fans give money and attention to artists whose work they enjoy (like how I keep referring to Mike Patton and bought nearly everything he was ever involved in).
Unlike most specialist fields, the Music Industry doesn't really have any 'standards'. Sure, there's the basic Health and Safety stuff, but that's everwhere (including your home).
For instance:
- I strongly believe that nobody should ever use auto-tune to actually auto-tune, others think it is simply another step of the recording process.
- I believe that every child should be taught music, others believe it is a waste of time.
- I think that Mike Patton - the voices of the enemies from the movie 'I Am Legend' and the games 'The Darkness' and 'The Darkness II' (amongst many other movie/game appearances) - is a living treasure and the only person alive who could begin to compare to the late great Freddie Mercury, whereas some other people think some other stuff about him that is just plain wrong.
If you have something that you are proud of, JUST PUBLISH IT ALREADY!
It's not the bloody '90s anymore - and thank goodness, because they were horrendous - you don't need a studio. Most modern phones can record and upload your music within minutes. Still, if you have the money spare, you should consider using a studio - those guys are still around for a very good reason.
You might get famous!
But that isn't really up to you, is it?
But that isn't really up to you, is it?
But do you want to get famous (like Rebecca Black did) - or just express yourself?
You don't need to have a recording contract to be a successful artist - you just need to be heard and
appreciated by someone. Anyone. ONE PERSON. Even if you show your parents or friends and they say "Well, that was terrible but you obviously worked hard on it.", then you have showcased an artwork and therefore now an artist.
But that's just MY opinion - MY personal 'standard'.
My ultimate point that I have finally made my way towards is this:
Make your own damn standards, I say. Then improve them. Everything else is just icing on the cake, eh? I call this the 'What About Bob?' principle, because I am a try-hard academic and I think it makes me sound smart (and also retro).
("What About Bob?" was a movie starring Bill Murray and some other fine actors who aren't Bill Murray, and features the idea of 'Baby Steps' - one step at a time.)
This Blog was probably pretty tacky, and possibly hard to read.
And that's fine - I know I'll get better at it.
See what I'm doing there? :)
I've been Paddy, and the song of mine that was forcibly wedged into the dialogue earlier on is called "Misunderstand". You can listen to or download it for free at http://soundcloud.com/padmore-music/misunderstand if you're into acoustic pop ballads, or even just curious.
- Paddy
(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Tasmanian-based musician who is actually a huge fan of Rebecca Black. It's true, and you heard it here first.)
