Hey gang.
By now, it's pretty clear to (and totally okay by) me that it's only my close friends reading this.
I'm sorry I haven't contacted you since I left facebook. I still have all your phone numbers and email addys, which can be proved by the fact that I contacted you about this blog.
I don't want to talk about the last 25 years of performing, and why I quit. But some folks have asked for answers, and I don't want to initiate contact and then have to deal with this at all. Recording my thoughts here seems a valid compromise.
There are many reasons. Believe me, after I sorted it out I was surprised by the complexity of the issues involved (given my often simple approach to performing - 'turn up and do the job'.).
By now, it's pretty clear to (and totally okay by) me that it's only my close friends reading this.
I'm sorry I haven't contacted you since I left facebook. I still have all your phone numbers and email addys, which can be proved by the fact that I contacted you about this blog.
I don't want to talk about the last 25 years of performing, and why I quit. But some folks have asked for answers, and I don't want to initiate contact and then have to deal with this at all. Recording my thoughts here seems a valid compromise.
There are many reasons. Believe me, after I sorted it out I was surprised by the complexity of the issues involved (given my often simple approach to performing - 'turn up and do the job'.).
Here are some of the actual reasons I quit performing, culminating in the actual, bonafide, 100%, can't-turn-back-now, actual, honest-to-goodness solid-gold MAIN reason. While I don't want you to skip ahead to it, I can't stop you. Just know that it may require the others in order to be fully appreciated.
IMPORTANT POINT: In this particular entry (apart from the paragraphs below), when I say 'you/your', I mean 'The General Public', not 'you, Dear Reader'.
So if I say "FUCK YOU FOR EVEN GOING THERE" I am not talking to you, I am expressing my thoughts towards the general public and their shitty attitude, which, as you're friends of mine and are not scum, doesn't actually include you. You may be offended by my attitude towards religion, but NOTHING AT ALL is directed towards YOU PERSONALLY. I just find it easier to express myself in this way, as though I'm actually there with you, for better or worse, speaking my mind, as the Paddy you know and uh...are kind of interested in what he has to say.
To make it clear: Anyone who's reading this probably is a supporter of mine, which means that you get a free pass for all this stuff anyway. I cannot make this clear enough - mainly because I speak quite freely below. Like I say: 'as though I'm actually there with you.'
For instance, I complain about how people didn't want to pay full price for my show. One of you INSISTED on paying full price when I offered a discount, so they can read that part and be proud. That's what I mean about free passes.
But let me make this doubly clear: I am not shitting on my supporters. If you think I am, you need to read the whole thing because you've only gotten a snippet of what I'm saying.
Okay, so don't get offended? We cool?
Cool.
Okay, this is HUGE. Take all the time you need, I won't be deleting it.
One last thing: You probably cannot read this and still maintain the same level of respect for me. That's MY fuckup, not YOURS, and I don't mean it in a "CAN YOU WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO CLIP?" kind of way. Because I finally remove the Paddy veil of shame and stupidity in order to let you see my true self, my inner workings - and they are found to be well and truly wanting. I would be lying if I said otherwise.
I am okay with this, because I am sick of pretending it's all other peoples fault. Some of it is, sure. Maybe. Probably.
I should just get on with it.
**************************************************************
IMPORTANT POINT: In this particular entry (apart from the paragraphs below), when I say 'you/your', I mean 'The General Public', not 'you, Dear Reader'.
So if I say "FUCK YOU FOR EVEN GOING THERE" I am not talking to you, I am expressing my thoughts towards the general public and their shitty attitude, which, as you're friends of mine and are not scum, doesn't actually include you. You may be offended by my attitude towards religion, but NOTHING AT ALL is directed towards YOU PERSONALLY. I just find it easier to express myself in this way, as though I'm actually there with you, for better or worse, speaking my mind, as the Paddy you know and uh...are kind of interested in what he has to say.
To make it clear: Anyone who's reading this probably is a supporter of mine, which means that you get a free pass for all this stuff anyway. I cannot make this clear enough - mainly because I speak quite freely below. Like I say: 'as though I'm actually there with you.'
For instance, I complain about how people didn't want to pay full price for my show. One of you INSISTED on paying full price when I offered a discount, so they can read that part and be proud. That's what I mean about free passes.
But let me make this doubly clear: I am not shitting on my supporters. If you think I am, you need to read the whole thing because you've only gotten a snippet of what I'm saying.
Okay, so don't get offended? We cool?
Cool.
Okay, this is HUGE. Take all the time you need, I won't be deleting it.
One last thing: You probably cannot read this and still maintain the same level of respect for me. That's MY fuckup, not YOURS, and I don't mean it in a "CAN YOU WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO CLIP?" kind of way. Because I finally remove the Paddy veil of shame and stupidity in order to let you see my true self, my inner workings - and they are found to be well and truly wanting. I would be lying if I said otherwise.
I am okay with this, because I am sick of pretending it's all other peoples fault. Some of it is, sure. Maybe. Probably.
I should just get on with it.
**************************************************************
 |
| "I'm Francis, and I hate audiences." |
1.
I had become abusive on stage.
There's
some real fun to be had with someone who's either drunk, foolish, or
brave enough (or a heady mix of all three!) to heckle an experienced
performer.
Do
you remember when you were a kid (or possibly even more recently)
when someone insulted you (possibly in a friendly way) and you spent
far too long thinking about what you could have said?
The French have a term for this: l'esprit d'escalier. It means 'staircase wit' - you think about the quip made at the dinner table, and finally create a worthy response far too late now because you've left the table and are now heading up to bed (via the staircase, see?). Germans also have a name for this: Treppenwitz.
The French have a term for this: l'esprit d'escalier. It means 'staircase wit' - you think about the quip made at the dinner table, and finally create a worthy response far too late now because you've left the table and are now heading up to bed (via the staircase, see?). Germans also have a name for this: Treppenwitz.
A
good performer has already anticipated most traditional heckles, and have
appropriate (for their act) responses prepared. Rodney Dangerfield
might have responded with:
'Wow, that's a great heckle buddy. Who wrote it for you?',
whereas Rodney Rude might say to the exact same heckle(r):
"Whatever mate, just get your mom to stop calling me, she's becoming a nuisance. All these guys down here in the front row agree with me, too."
'Wow, that's a great heckle buddy. Who wrote it for you?',
whereas Rodney Rude might say to the exact same heckle(r):
"Whatever mate, just get your mom to stop calling me, she's becoming a nuisance. All these guys down here in the front row agree with me, too."
So
I naturally gravitated towards mom jokes, purely because they're
simple and I've never truly understood humour. I then (d)evolved to
dad jokes (not the bad-puns-dad-jokes, I mean
mom-jokes-with-the-word-'dad'-instead-of-'mom'), then started even
doing daughter and son jokes, because Australians desensitise way too
quickly.
HEY,
WAIT A FUCKING SECOND HERE.
What
happened to the music in this equation? What happened to
the meritocracy thing that Aussies say they're so proud of? What
happened to just being able to play some fucking MUSIC and letting
THAT be the show?
"OH
BUT YOU'RE SO GOOD AT ENTERTAINING!" say all the sirens in
my ear.
“DANGER! DANGER ! THERE IS SOMETHING VERY VERY WRONG HERE!” says the other type of siren in my ear, at a volume that would make a klaxon ashamed for not trying hard enough.
Then
I realise that NEITHER kind of sirens are 'the good kind'.
Then
I start to resent performing.
Then
I start to resent hecklers, for they represent the total and utter
lack of respect for local musicians that is currently and will
probably always be en vogue. You know, unless you know them
personally. Then they're okay. But all the other ones are lazy and
shit, hey.
Then
I stop having appropriate responses, because fuck everyone and their
shitty attitudes. Perhaps this is a failing in me. I am above and
beyond caring. I just know it HURTS, because I would rather be
punished for being myself than be rewarded for being someone else.
Which is kind of handy, because that's what's happening.
And
then I should probably stop performing in general, because I'm not
entertaining others any more, I'm entertaining ME. And I can do that
at home WITHOUT being underpaid AND without being heckled AND without
being made to feel like an unemployed piece of shit.
So
now I let others entertain me. I've discovered heaps of awesome
YouTube channels, none of them even remotely related to music,
because FUCK THAT SHIT.
If
you're curious about the things I said, just know that I can troll
like a motherfucker. Hell, if you're reading this, you probably
already know how sharp my tongue is. Let's just say that I could have
been arrested and leave it there.
That
was the exact moment that I stopped enjoying performing, because I
realised that, for the most part, audiences had never been to see me
bare my soul. They'd been to see me destroy it. Bonus points if I can
take out a heckler while I'm at it.
What
is this? RUNNING MAN? ROLLERBALL?
WHEN
DID THIS BECOME OKAY?
But
it had always been this way, hadn't it? I'd just never noticed,
because I was too busy being obsessed with my assumed musical
abilities. Nobody cares how good you are. Nobody cares if you
practise. They care if you make them laugh. They don't want you to
make them think. OH GOD NO WHAT IS THIS? SCHOOL? "Do you know
Summer of '69?" people would ask me, while I was in the middle
of singing 'War Pigs' or 'The Wall (Pt II)'.
**************************************************************
 |
| "Hi, I'm Paddy! I'm your friendly neighbourhood musician!" said Paddy, not knowing how things worked. |
2.
I realised that I had never actually understood the music scene to begin with.
I've
spent more time in my so-called 'music career' playing bass
guitar and doing back-up vocals for other people than I ever have on
my own stuff. This is because I assumed the 'favours' would be
repaid. What else can it be when someone that you know has a huge ego
and is capable of bitching lead guitar (I'm no Brian May, but I'm not
going to pretend I don't fucking rock it up either) and passable lead vocals
(my voice sounds kind of cool, but it contains pitching issues - see
above: "nobody cares if you practise") is in a support
role, if not a favour?
The
answer, my friends, is 'paid work'.
Not
'Networking opportunities.' Not 'personal loyalty'. Not even 'A FAVOUR'.
Nope,
PAID WORK.
I'm
not complaining about having paid work - I'm complaining about how
easy I was to manipulate. In the last (and my god I hope that also
means 'final') band I was in, it took only 2 gigs before I was
relegated onto bass YET A-FUCKING-GAIN. People can say all this stuff
about the reasons why I'm a pussy or a chordophone snob, but the
simple fact of the matter is that I'm not going to spend money that
I don't have on a bass rig to play BASS IN A FUCKING COVER BAND.
AND
THIS IS ALL THAT THE LOCAL SCENE WANTS OF ME? TO PLAY FUCKING BASS IN
A FUCKING COVER BAND, FOR X AMOUNT OF MONTHS, UNTIL “FUCK YOU,
PADDY, NO WE WON'T DO YOUR ORIGINALS NO MATTER WHAT WE SAID
BEFORE”?
Thank goodness for The Wooten Files, at least that band has pleasant memories for me. Thank goodness for Psyclone and Magenta, at least my formative experiences were pleasant enough.
Thank goodness for The Wooten Files, at least that band has pleasant memories for me. Thank goodness for Psyclone and Magenta, at least my formative experiences were pleasant enough.
I
have nothing at all against bass players or cover bands. In fact, my
favourite local muso is a bass player (played bass in TWF), and my
favourite local band (they know who they are) are a cover band. My
favourite international bands all have awesome bass work, and do
covers themselves. And I do enjoy playing bass.
BUT I AM NOT A BASS GUITARIST. I don't understand so many of the concepts anywhere near well enough. I don't DO IT JUSTICE. BECAUSE I'M MORE INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS, LIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE BECAUSE FUCK BASS GUITAR AND WHAT IT STANDS FOR IN MY LIFE.
BUT I AM NOT A BASS GUITARIST. I don't understand so many of the concepts anywhere near well enough. I don't DO IT JUSTICE. BECAUSE I'M MORE INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS, LIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE BECAUSE FUCK BASS GUITAR AND WHAT IT STANDS FOR IN MY LIFE.
If
you took your car to someone, would you want working on it:
Someone
who wanted to be a mechanic, or someone who resents being a mechanic?
Same
here, but with your ears and feet on the dancefloor.
Before this goes further, please let state that I am hardly referring solely to my last ensemble act. This problem goes back for at least 15 years.
But if people don't understand that I'm not the man for the job, basswise – and that there are MUCH BETTER BASS GUITARIST OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT THE WORK, well that's not my fucking problem.
And my word have I started saying that phrase a lot lately.
Before this goes further, please let state that I am hardly referring solely to my last ensemble act. This problem goes back for at least 15 years.
But if people don't understand that I'm not the man for the job, basswise – and that there are MUCH BETTER BASS GUITARIST OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT THE WORK, well that's not my fucking problem.
And my word have I started saying that phrase a lot lately.
**************************************************************
 |
| It would be far too obvious to have picture of a buccaneer here, so I chose Michigan J. Frog instead. Yes, that's his actual real name. You're welcome. |
3.
YO HO HO, AND ALL O' YER CASH
People sometimes say that piracy doesn't affect local performers. That's exactly like saying that that the moon is a type of planet. It's sort of true if you have learning difficulties and don't understand how things actually work.
Seriously, you expect me to believe that you'll BUY my album instead of copying it from someone else? I've seen how 'people' act in real life and on facebook, and I'm well and truly done playing the trust game with other so-called 'humans'.
My favourite thing here is how people think it's not theft because it's not a real physical thing EVEN THOUGH IT CLEARLY IS, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY AVAILABLE ON CD (when I release stuff, I mean).
If digital information isn't real, then could everyone who says this send me their bank account details, please? What's that? NO? But digital information isn't real, so what's the problem?
Another classic one is how stealing an album isn't like stealing a loaf of bread, because you still have the album afterwards. It's not the ITEM that's lost – it's the SALE ITSELF. This is not exactly fucking rocket science here.
From my point of view, if you don't pony up the cash (or at least even TRY and barter), then I don't want you listening to my WORK because you're just stealing a SALE from me. How the FUCK is that so damn hard to understand? THAT A SERVICE/ITEM SHOULD BE PAID FOR?
And if you don't care about this at all, consider THIS:
Most of the facebook viruses and worms originate from scripts downloaded from p2p networks – aka 'digital piracy', via sites like The Pirate's Bay and the like. Next time your facebook (or even computer) is being shitty, it's probably because one of your family or friends pirated something and didn't even bother to protect themselves.
But whatever: They got to watch or listen to some shit for free, so that's okay. Doesn't matter that it hassles YOU. Not their problem. Join the club, I kept your seat warm for you. Yes, that possibly is a little creepy of me to offer you a seat that I have bodywarmed. Moving on.
But whatever, I'm just a whiny little bitch for even bringing the subject up, because this is Australia and if you're poor it MUST be because you're lazy, because THIS IS AUSTRALIA, and we aren't thieves, even when we steal stuff. Mate, we stole a whole fucking country. One CD is PISSANT STUFF.
**************************************************************
People sometimes say that piracy doesn't affect local performers. That's exactly like saying that that the moon is a type of planet. It's sort of true if you have learning difficulties and don't understand how things actually work.
Seriously, you expect me to believe that you'll BUY my album instead of copying it from someone else? I've seen how 'people' act in real life and on facebook, and I'm well and truly done playing the trust game with other so-called 'humans'.
My favourite thing here is how people think it's not theft because it's not a real physical thing EVEN THOUGH IT CLEARLY IS, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY AVAILABLE ON CD (when I release stuff, I mean).
If digital information isn't real, then could everyone who says this send me their bank account details, please? What's that? NO? But digital information isn't real, so what's the problem?
Another classic one is how stealing an album isn't like stealing a loaf of bread, because you still have the album afterwards. It's not the ITEM that's lost – it's the SALE ITSELF. This is not exactly fucking rocket science here.
From my point of view, if you don't pony up the cash (or at least even TRY and barter), then I don't want you listening to my WORK because you're just stealing a SALE from me. How the FUCK is that so damn hard to understand? THAT A SERVICE/ITEM SHOULD BE PAID FOR?
And if you don't care about this at all, consider THIS:
Most of the facebook viruses and worms originate from scripts downloaded from p2p networks – aka 'digital piracy', via sites like The Pirate's Bay and the like. Next time your facebook (or even computer) is being shitty, it's probably because one of your family or friends pirated something and didn't even bother to protect themselves.
But whatever: They got to watch or listen to some shit for free, so that's okay. Doesn't matter that it hassles YOU. Not their problem. Join the club, I kept your seat warm for you. Yes, that possibly is a little creepy of me to offer you a seat that I have bodywarmed. Moving on.
But whatever, I'm just a whiny little bitch for even bringing the subject up, because this is Australia and if you're poor it MUST be because you're lazy, because THIS IS AUSTRALIA, and we aren't thieves, even when we steal stuff. Mate, we stole a whole fucking country. One CD is PISSANT STUFF.
**************************************************************
 | |
| This pic was taken from a house gig, which is something that I will still do occasionally. It's the only way for me to hear certain artists, artists who share my love of music and hatred of general public performance. Here's to ya, the Hefferon ladies! |
4.
Lack of local support from so many different quarters.
What it says on the tin. From random audience members to venues, most of my local scene are like vaginaless and assholeless hookers - in that they can just suck my fucking dick.
I performed my arse off, and the most I ever regularly got was $100 a night as a solo artist. That *one* venue at least gave me regular work, and treated me like a king when I was there. I will always remember them fondly for that. Perhaps it's because it was a managed by a muso.
Other people playing in certain other venues were getting $600 for the same show (actually, a less entertaining show, but now I just sound cocky).
I thought that sounded like a good amount of money. I called the people I needed to call.
“Cool, send me a promo kit.” they said.
Sorry, a fucking WHAT NOW?
I had performed for 20 years before I had even heard this phrase!
This is what I was told a Promo Kit is:
1 Professional Headshot (min price I could find - $150)
(this is a photo, not a sniper trick – ahahaha)
1 Bio
(which obviously doesn't mean the same thing as it does in online gaming)
What it says on the tin. From random audience members to venues, most of my local scene are like vaginaless and assholeless hookers - in that they can just suck my fucking dick.
I performed my arse off, and the most I ever regularly got was $100 a night as a solo artist. That *one* venue at least gave me regular work, and treated me like a king when I was there. I will always remember them fondly for that. Perhaps it's because it was a managed by a muso.
Other people playing in certain other venues were getting $600 for the same show (actually, a less entertaining show, but now I just sound cocky).
I thought that sounded like a good amount of money. I called the people I needed to call.
“Cool, send me a promo kit.” they said.
Sorry, a fucking WHAT NOW?
I had performed for 20 years before I had even heard this phrase!
This is what I was told a Promo Kit is:
1 Professional Headshot (min price I could find - $150)
(this is a photo, not a sniper trick – ahahaha)
1 Bio
(which obviously doesn't mean the same thing as it does in online gaming)
1
Sample setlist
(Hey why don't I send you the ACTUAL setlist? This is getting dumb)
2 References
(because it's a 'performers resume')
1 website link OR YouTube footage link
(Mate, I just want to play a fucking show, not do a fucking world tour. I NEED A WEBSITE? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT FUCKING COSTS? YES, I SHOULD TOTALLY USE ONE OF THE FREE ONES, THAT WILL SEND A GOOD MESSAGE TO POTENTIAL CLIENTS. Fine, YouTube then.)
RIGHT.
SO.
(Hey why don't I send you the ACTUAL setlist? This is getting dumb)
2 References
(because it's a 'performers resume')
1 website link OR YouTube footage link
(Mate, I just want to play a fucking show, not do a fucking world tour. I NEED A WEBSITE? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT FUCKING COSTS? YES, I SHOULD TOTALLY USE ONE OF THE FREE ONES, THAT WILL SEND A GOOD MESSAGE TO POTENTIAL CLIENTS. Fine, YouTube then.)
RIGHT.
SO.
To
begin organising the Promo Kit, I thought I'd call my favourite local
guitarist/band-member who will remain nameless as I don't want him
being judged for my whining. Let's call him SIR GONDALES because it
sounds Spanish and Spanish is cool, even though I don't actually
know any of it.
Paddy: Hey, is SIR GONDALES there?
SG: You idiot, this is my phone.
Paddy: Can you prove it's you?
SG: I can.
Paddy: Are you going to?
SG: Nope.
Paddy: Okay, that sounds like something the real SIR GONDALES would say.
SG: Is this going anywhere? I was having the most wonderful wank.
Paddy: Wait, aren't you at work?
SG: (SIGH) “WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY, PADDY?”
Paddy: About your Promo Kit...
Paddy: Hey, is SIR GONDALES there?
SG: You idiot, this is my phone.
Paddy: Can you prove it's you?
SG: I can.
Paddy: Are you going to?
SG: Nope.
Paddy: Okay, that sounds like something the real SIR GONDALES would say.
SG: Is this going anywhere? I was having the most wonderful wank.
Paddy: Wait, aren't you at work?
SG: (SIGH) “WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY, PADDY?”
Paddy: About your Promo Kit...
SG:
Dude, WHAT Promo Kit?
Paddy: You don't have a Promo Kit?
SG: What the hell are you even talking about?
Paddy: I just called (removed) from (removed) and asked for some work. They said I needed a Promo Kit. You work for them, so I thought you'd have one.
SG: Nope. Didn't need one.
Paddy: Okay, thanks I guess. I'll let you get back to your masturbation then.
SG: Cheers, I'll be thinking of you.
Paddy: I'm strangely fine with that. Ciao, SIR GONDALES
SG: See ya, Paddy. Also, don't mix Italian and Spanish, it's tacky as fuck bro.
(Okay, I added that last part.)
Paddy: You don't have a Promo Kit?
SG: What the hell are you even talking about?
Paddy: I just called (removed) from (removed) and asked for some work. They said I needed a Promo Kit. You work for them, so I thought you'd have one.
SG: Nope. Didn't need one.
Paddy: Okay, thanks I guess. I'll let you get back to your masturbation then.
SG: Cheers, I'll be thinking of you.
Paddy: I'm strangely fine with that. Ciao, SIR GONDALES
SG: See ya, Paddy. Also, don't mix Italian and Spanish, it's tacky as fuck bro.
(Okay, I added that last part.)
So,
ALREADY we can see it's one rule for the cool kids and one rule for
everyone else. But perhaps they simply got in before it became company
policy. That's not impossible, sure. Knowing the company in question
though, I highly doubt it. But it's just conjecture at this
point.
Seeing as I was unemployed at the time, and had been for basically my entire life up until then (unless you count music, which fucking nobody does, mainly because it makes it easier to underpay musos that way), I didn't have $150 just lying around (seriously, employed people are so fucking lucky, but most in my experience act like such self-important cunts about it, so fuck them anyway), so I went to my Job Service Provider, ignorantly thinking that they would actually do things to help me gain employment. WHAT A FUCKING MORON I WAS AND CONTINUE TO BE.
(All I will say is that this wasn't Mission Australia Employment Solutions, who are AWESOME, and by far and away the most human JSP I've ever interacted with, ever. I am certain that THEY would help me with my zombified music career even now, if I asked them. Which I won't, because BRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!)
Obsoive:
Me: Hey, I can get some pretty good regular paid work if I can put a promo kit together.
JSP: And what's that, exactly?
Me: (explains)
JSP: So why are you telling me this and not just doing it?
Me: Because I need $150 for the pro headshot.
JSP: Can't you just get one of your friends to take a picture and use that?
Me: THIS IS LIKE A PERFORMANCE RESUME. THEY HAVE ASKED FOR A PROFESSIONAL PICTURE.
JSP: Okay don't get upset, it was just an idea.
Me: I don't think you're taking me seriously.
JSP: And I don't think you're taking US seriously.
Me: Excuse me?
JSP: Buddy, you want $150 FOR A PHOTO.
Me: YES. FOR MY PERFORMANCE RESUME.
JSP: Mate, I won't lie to you. That's not happening.
Me: Okay, what about this other job that's also part time, but pays less, is way more dangerous, and also I need $150 for equipment and travel and shit like that.
(I swear on the Aussie flag that this was exactly how I worded it)
JSP: THAT we can help with.
Me: Mate, I just made that job up just then, to prove a point. I'm leaving this office now, and if you need to mark this down as a non-attendance you go for it, but we're done here for now.
JSP: Now, look here, I-
Me: (soul-destroying glance full of hatred and barely contained murder)
JSP: See you next month then, Liam.
So as well as fucking over musos, they also had the view of:
"Fuck local photographers, they don't need work either."
Great attitude there, non-specific Job Service Providers that I have not identified.
YES, I TRIED GETTING A LOAN AND NO, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I will say this though: Commonwealth Bank might not have said yes, but at least they weren't fucking laughing snooty cunts about it like every other mob I went to. The lady actually apologized that she couldn't help or think of any workaround. That ONE reason alone is why they're the only bastards that get to handle my money for the rest of my life.
For the record, Belle Young Photography is the go for local artists/bands, as they're prepared to discuss payment arrangements, and are also very friendly. I only wish I had discovered this when I still wanted to perform. Still, I know who I'll be going to for my next album cover. And now I'm working, I know Which Bank I'll be going to for a loan if I ever need it, too.
I would like to also give a big shout out to Joffre St Productions, who are ideal for Launnie-based folks, and also do video. Just remember that quality costs, especially in larger cities like Launnie.
Seeing as I was unemployed at the time, and had been for basically my entire life up until then (unless you count music, which fucking nobody does, mainly because it makes it easier to underpay musos that way), I didn't have $150 just lying around (seriously, employed people are so fucking lucky, but most in my experience act like such self-important cunts about it, so fuck them anyway), so I went to my Job Service Provider, ignorantly thinking that they would actually do things to help me gain employment. WHAT A FUCKING MORON I WAS AND CONTINUE TO BE.
(All I will say is that this wasn't Mission Australia Employment Solutions, who are AWESOME, and by far and away the most human JSP I've ever interacted with, ever. I am certain that THEY would help me with my zombified music career even now, if I asked them. Which I won't, because BRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!)
Obsoive:
Me: Hey, I can get some pretty good regular paid work if I can put a promo kit together.
JSP: And what's that, exactly?
Me: (explains)
JSP: So why are you telling me this and not just doing it?
Me: Because I need $150 for the pro headshot.
JSP: Can't you just get one of your friends to take a picture and use that?
Me: THIS IS LIKE A PERFORMANCE RESUME. THEY HAVE ASKED FOR A PROFESSIONAL PICTURE.
JSP: Okay don't get upset, it was just an idea.
Me: I don't think you're taking me seriously.
JSP: And I don't think you're taking US seriously.
Me: Excuse me?
JSP: Buddy, you want $150 FOR A PHOTO.
Me: YES. FOR MY PERFORMANCE RESUME.
JSP: Mate, I won't lie to you. That's not happening.
Me: Okay, what about this other job that's also part time, but pays less, is way more dangerous, and also I need $150 for equipment and travel and shit like that.
(I swear on the Aussie flag that this was exactly how I worded it)
JSP: THAT we can help with.
Me: Mate, I just made that job up just then, to prove a point. I'm leaving this office now, and if you need to mark this down as a non-attendance you go for it, but we're done here for now.
JSP: Now, look here, I-
Me: (soul-destroying glance full of hatred and barely contained murder)
JSP: See you next month then, Liam.
So as well as fucking over musos, they also had the view of:
"Fuck local photographers, they don't need work either."
Great attitude there, non-specific Job Service Providers that I have not identified.
YES, I TRIED GETTING A LOAN AND NO, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I will say this though: Commonwealth Bank might not have said yes, but at least they weren't fucking laughing snooty cunts about it like every other mob I went to. The lady actually apologized that she couldn't help or think of any workaround. That ONE reason alone is why they're the only bastards that get to handle my money for the rest of my life.
For the record, Belle Young Photography is the go for local artists/bands, as they're prepared to discuss payment arrangements, and are also very friendly. I only wish I had discovered this when I still wanted to perform. Still, I know who I'll be going to for my next album cover. And now I'm working, I know Which Bank I'll be going to for a loan if I ever need it, too.
I would like to also give a big shout out to Joffre St Productions, who are ideal for Launnie-based folks, and also do video. Just remember that quality costs, especially in larger cities like Launnie.
 |
| "So...Any old pic that a friend took?" "No, it's got to be professional quality." "Could I have that in writing? My Job Service Provider is...Hello? Hello? DAMMIT." |
Anyway, as for how 'often' my friends came to see me. I obviously must not have been anywhere near as pleasant sounding as I trained to be, because very few people came more than once. Yes, I
understand that many people are busy and broke, but don't expect me to
take you seriously when I see what you're up to on facebook – you can go to a fucking festival year after
year, but can't spend fucking 20 bucks on drinks in a local pub AT A
FREE SHOW FOR AN HOUR OR TWO, ONCE OFF? If you don't want to see my show
because you think I suck, or because I've offended you, or purely
because I'm not famous - then FUCKING SAY THAT. Or if you're going to
lie, at least put some damn effort into it.
I've lost more fans from interacting with them on facebook than I ever gained from interacting with them in real life. I'm fine with that. I don't need sexists, bigots, and pedophile apologists as fans. Actually, I do, because I need their money, which is kind of a problem for me personally.
"Oh you're so sensitive, Paddy. Does it really matter?" say all the people without compassion, like the inhuman soulless abominations that they truly are. Harsh? Mate, I'm holding my tongue here, I really am.
This matters because venues hire artists based on bar sales - which is fucking stupid if you ask me, but cover charges make people avoid a place (see also: “All art should be free”, as said by employment bigots worldwide), so they can't use THAT as a guide anymore.
So, the more people came to my shows, the more the bar sales would go up, the more work I would get.
In theory.
Except that nobody came regularly. INCLUDING old school friends, I can count on one hand the number of regulars who came to any given show. I will always owe you one, Paul! And MR BEARDO! (he knows who he is) and in the words of Mike Patton in the first Mr Bungle album: “THANKS MOM!”
Now, don't get me wrong: I really did appreciate it when many people came to see me, that one time. Especially some of the more busy people – I am sincerely honoured that some of the names-about-town came to see my little old self (Hello, Tracey)! ALSO: BIG UPS to the mainland crews (Hi Kylie!) who made time to see me in their Tassie visits. But while I can appreciate that on a personal level, I didn't understand that it was utterly useless to me on a professional level.
Perhaps others could have done more with it. I just know that I am not others.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED, PADDY!”
Yeah, I DID. Next brilliant bit of input, Braniac?
“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED MORE, PADDY!”
WOW. Who ARE you? Michael FUCKING Bay? What next? "YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD PYROTECHNICS, PADDY! MOAR 'SPLOSIONS, BRUH!"
Shall I tell you that story about trying to get cash for a professional headshot again, or did you 'get it' the first time? You can't get blood from a stone, mate. What part of 'I have basically been poor my entire life' didn't you pick up, exactly?
Why have I been poor?
Quite simply put, because I'm extremely fucking stupid, possibly mentally retarded. Not even joking. I thought performing was my destiny, it turns out it was only my density. Ahaha.
Because I've tried to do what I thought I was supposed to in society. Because people have lied to me. Because I've been stupid. I'm not saying I don't deserve poverty. I'm just saying I'm sick of it by now. I am certainly not complaining about it in and of itself (mainly because it's been largely my own fault), but I see no reason to pretend that it hasn't been a relevant issue in my life – a major part of my struggle. More on this later, with regards to my personal mistakes.
Anyway, I thought that videoing some shows might give me pretty good footage – and it did. But the sound quality? Not so much. Hardly inspires me to upload it – it would be like handing in a resume written in crayon.
There is ONE good show recorded. Guess why I can't get a hold of it? That's right. MONEY. At least I can't afford to transport something, at least that's a new thing! "Hopefully I can pick up more hours at my new job and money won't be so much of an issue any more." said Paddy, now that he was normal, whatever that means.
The amount of effort required to promote my act was mindblowing, probably because I never really nailed my branding. It wasn't that I didn't try to promote myself, it was that I sucked at it harder than a fleshlight attached to an industrial strength vacuum cleaner inside a space-time vortex. And by the time I realised what I actually needed to do, I had already undermined myself (by trying to be funny, and by mostly succeeding at it, even though I still don't understand HOW – I will never understand humour, which is another reason I didn't want to continue on that path– it made me feel FAKE).
See, I thought I was just going to go up on stage and play my heart out, and let everyone else decide what type of act it was.
WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT.
And I hate to admit it, but the right promo headshot would have actually fixed that issue from the beginning – it would have set the tone. Actually, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have realised the importance of it at the time, and not taken it seriously – which would have been misconstrued as comical (like so much of my output).
I'll tell you what: If I ever do start performing in public again, I'm not even going to think about booking gigs until I have that damned Promo Kit bullshit sorted out.
I've lost more fans from interacting with them on facebook than I ever gained from interacting with them in real life. I'm fine with that. I don't need sexists, bigots, and pedophile apologists as fans. Actually, I do, because I need their money, which is kind of a problem for me personally.
"Oh you're so sensitive, Paddy. Does it really matter?" say all the people without compassion, like the inhuman soulless abominations that they truly are. Harsh? Mate, I'm holding my tongue here, I really am.
This matters because venues hire artists based on bar sales - which is fucking stupid if you ask me, but cover charges make people avoid a place (see also: “All art should be free”, as said by employment bigots worldwide), so they can't use THAT as a guide anymore.
So, the more people came to my shows, the more the bar sales would go up, the more work I would get.
In theory.
Except that nobody came regularly. INCLUDING old school friends, I can count on one hand the number of regulars who came to any given show. I will always owe you one, Paul! And MR BEARDO! (he knows who he is) and in the words of Mike Patton in the first Mr Bungle album: “THANKS MOM!”
Now, don't get me wrong: I really did appreciate it when many people came to see me, that one time. Especially some of the more busy people – I am sincerely honoured that some of the names-about-town came to see my little old self (Hello, Tracey)! ALSO: BIG UPS to the mainland crews (Hi Kylie!) who made time to see me in their Tassie visits. But while I can appreciate that on a personal level, I didn't understand that it was utterly useless to me on a professional level.
Perhaps others could have done more with it. I just know that I am not others.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED, PADDY!”
Yeah, I DID. Next brilliant bit of input, Braniac?
“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED MORE, PADDY!”
WOW. Who ARE you? Michael FUCKING Bay? What next? "YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD PYROTECHNICS, PADDY! MOAR 'SPLOSIONS, BRUH!"
Shall I tell you that story about trying to get cash for a professional headshot again, or did you 'get it' the first time? You can't get blood from a stone, mate. What part of 'I have basically been poor my entire life' didn't you pick up, exactly?
Why have I been poor?
Quite simply put, because I'm extremely fucking stupid, possibly mentally retarded. Not even joking. I thought performing was my destiny, it turns out it was only my density. Ahaha.
Because I've tried to do what I thought I was supposed to in society. Because people have lied to me. Because I've been stupid. I'm not saying I don't deserve poverty. I'm just saying I'm sick of it by now. I am certainly not complaining about it in and of itself (mainly because it's been largely my own fault), but I see no reason to pretend that it hasn't been a relevant issue in my life – a major part of my struggle. More on this later, with regards to my personal mistakes.
Anyway, I thought that videoing some shows might give me pretty good footage – and it did. But the sound quality? Not so much. Hardly inspires me to upload it – it would be like handing in a resume written in crayon.
There is ONE good show recorded. Guess why I can't get a hold of it? That's right. MONEY. At least I can't afford to transport something, at least that's a new thing! "Hopefully I can pick up more hours at my new job and money won't be so much of an issue any more." said Paddy, now that he was normal, whatever that means.
The amount of effort required to promote my act was mindblowing, probably because I never really nailed my branding. It wasn't that I didn't try to promote myself, it was that I sucked at it harder than a fleshlight attached to an industrial strength vacuum cleaner inside a space-time vortex. And by the time I realised what I actually needed to do, I had already undermined myself (by trying to be funny, and by mostly succeeding at it, even though I still don't understand HOW – I will never understand humour, which is another reason I didn't want to continue on that path– it made me feel FAKE).
See, I thought I was just going to go up on stage and play my heart out, and let everyone else decide what type of act it was.
WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT.
And I hate to admit it, but the right promo headshot would have actually fixed that issue from the beginning – it would have set the tone. Actually, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have realised the importance of it at the time, and not taken it seriously – which would have been misconstrued as comical (like so much of my output).
I'll tell you what: If I ever do start performing in public again, I'm not even going to think about booking gigs until I have that damned Promo Kit bullshit sorted out.
**************************************************************
 |
| Perhaps if I simply removed all pretense at being a serious musician, that might work out better, seeing as people just want me to be comical anyway? It didn't work, but I don't regret trying. I would go to see that show myself. |
5.
No long term payoff, or even proof of time spent.
People sometimes ask me when I'm going to release an album so they can buy it, then wonder why I go quiet. I mean, that's a nice enough question right? What could possibly upset me about that?
Because the correct question involves the phrase 'next album' – I've already released 3, independently.
“BUT WHY CAN'T I BUY THEM THEN?” someone asks.
Because they were lost to the sands of time, because my BACKUPS OF MY BACKUPS failed. Hey, I failed at something else. See the pattern?
On a side note: god forbid that people should have just come to the show and caught the act there. But some folks live overseas and can't do that, and THOSE guys are the ones that deserve to ask when the NEXT album is coming out.
For the record (a joke, as they were all CDs), these were all from 2000-2010:
1. Private Salad (as part of the Electronica Smoke&Mirrors duo)
2. Travel Wrought (mainly acoustic stuff)
3. ADMIT ONE (Electronica/Funk/Rock)
And between them all, I managed to make 10 whole entire fucking dollars. See above: SUCKING AT STUFF.
Now, for all the live shows I've done, I've got nothing to show but the cash I got that night. No proof I've done them. No proof that I've tried for 25 years to feed my family by using my musical skills. No golden watch. No ANYTHING - apart from a vague-yet-infinite sense of failure at something that other musos seem to thrive at.
In the last 5 years, I've made exactly $50 from CD sales at the shows, with different recordings based on that tour. But these were just one-take bullshit promo stuff, hardly worth being called an 'album'. And yet they made me more money than the actual albums. Curious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I put no effort into the recent stuff. I'm saying I put WAY MORE effort into the less successful, actual albums.
Tell me again how hard work matters?
I could write 3 whole albums and take years to record them, or I can just one-take some covers and make 5 times more money, over half the time?
And people wonder why modern music is SHIT.
FUCK THIS STUPID SHITTY FUCKING JOB.
**************************************************************
People sometimes ask me when I'm going to release an album so they can buy it, then wonder why I go quiet. I mean, that's a nice enough question right? What could possibly upset me about that?
Because the correct question involves the phrase 'next album' – I've already released 3, independently.
“BUT WHY CAN'T I BUY THEM THEN?” someone asks.
Because they were lost to the sands of time, because my BACKUPS OF MY BACKUPS failed. Hey, I failed at something else. See the pattern?
On a side note: god forbid that people should have just come to the show and caught the act there. But some folks live overseas and can't do that, and THOSE guys are the ones that deserve to ask when the NEXT album is coming out.
For the record (a joke, as they were all CDs), these were all from 2000-2010:
1. Private Salad (as part of the Electronica Smoke&Mirrors duo)
2. Travel Wrought (mainly acoustic stuff)
3. ADMIT ONE (Electronica/Funk/Rock)
And between them all, I managed to make 10 whole entire fucking dollars. See above: SUCKING AT STUFF.
Now, for all the live shows I've done, I've got nothing to show but the cash I got that night. No proof I've done them. No proof that I've tried for 25 years to feed my family by using my musical skills. No golden watch. No ANYTHING - apart from a vague-yet-infinite sense of failure at something that other musos seem to thrive at.
In the last 5 years, I've made exactly $50 from CD sales at the shows, with different recordings based on that tour. But these were just one-take bullshit promo stuff, hardly worth being called an 'album'. And yet they made me more money than the actual albums. Curious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I put no effort into the recent stuff. I'm saying I put WAY MORE effort into the less successful, actual albums.
Tell me again how hard work matters?
I could write 3 whole albums and take years to record them, or I can just one-take some covers and make 5 times more money, over half the time?
And people wonder why modern music is SHIT.
FUCK THIS STUPID SHITTY FUCKING JOB.
**************************************************************
 |
| Here we can see a random musician, who is clearly just being lazy and not applying himself at all. And they wonder why we think so little of them. ACTUAL CONTEST: Want to win some free cover music by yours truly? There's 'Easy' on guitar on one of them! Just be the first to reply BELOW (you might need to make a Blogger account) and answer the following question: "What is in my left hand here, and why?" |
6. All of the above has led me to take recording more seriously than I ever have before.
See, another thing about those 3 albums is that while they contained pretty good songwriting and instrument playing/sequencing, they weren't exactly pro-quality recordings. And good recordings cost big money.
You
can't get heckled on a recording. Oh, you can be criticized over it,
but you're allowed to actually finish your damn job before all that
crap happens. Also, it will be nice to play bass for my own music for
a damn change.
So I want to record, because if I can't have money from the 25 years I pointlessly threw at this junk, then I will have PROOF that I didn't just sit on my ass the whole time.
But because I want to record it myself (sorry, I don't have 5K to spare on a local release of 50 albums), then I need to ignore everything I know already (OH YAY) and learn how sound engineering works for a bedroom producer.
Fortunately for me, I already have all the equipment I need (the main benefit of bartering your services when appropriate). HAHA! TAKE THAT, 'MONEY'!
It will just take more time than I have.
Oh wait – I have heaps of time now – because now I'm a Cleaner who only does this shit as a hobby – as I always should have been.
“What about piracy?” I hear you say
“Whatevs.” I reply, trying to sound like a 14-year-old girl, and sounding like middle-aged man trying to sound cool instead. I'm going to let fucking iTunes sort that shit out, that's what I'll be paying them for. I'm just going to have my music ready in their shop when it damn well suits me, and not even worry about piracy. I'm over it. Besides, it's not going to be my main income any more so my mind will allow me to ignore it (FINALLY).
*****************************************************
So I want to record, because if I can't have money from the 25 years I pointlessly threw at this junk, then I will have PROOF that I didn't just sit on my ass the whole time.
But because I want to record it myself (sorry, I don't have 5K to spare on a local release of 50 albums), then I need to ignore everything I know already (OH YAY) and learn how sound engineering works for a bedroom producer.
Fortunately for me, I already have all the equipment I need (the main benefit of bartering your services when appropriate). HAHA! TAKE THAT, 'MONEY'!
It will just take more time than I have.
Oh wait – I have heaps of time now – because now I'm a Cleaner who only does this shit as a hobby – as I always should have been.
“What about piracy?” I hear you say
“Whatevs.” I reply, trying to sound like a 14-year-old girl, and sounding like middle-aged man trying to sound cool instead. I'm going to let fucking iTunes sort that shit out, that's what I'll be paying them for. I'm just going to have my music ready in their shop when it damn well suits me, and not even worry about piracy. I'm over it. Besides, it's not going to be my main income any more so my mind will allow me to ignore it (FINALLY).
*****************************************************
 |
| Me and my mate Steve, at my fave away gig ever: Crossroads in St Helens. Sadly, it will probably be closed by the time you read this. Bigups to Jan and Steve (the owners, not the dude in the photo), and also to Steve and Jan, in no particular order. And Nadine and Jeanymaree and Bernie and Trish and Helene and Boots and oh god now I'm crying, seriously |
A short break, before we hit the big one.
Any
non-biased person reading this can see where I've blamed others for
my own mistakes. I haven't tried to hide that. I'm saying that I
never understood how society worked, and that being a performer
has NOTHING to do with being a musician. I think that's an important case to make, because until recently I thought I was doing okay. But I was failing miserably, that's obvious now.
I honestly had NO IDEA that that was the case. THIS is why I argue with people about my intelligence: This is NOT rocket science, if I couldn't see THIS, then I don't deserve the kudos of even having a standard intelligence. Now, I don't feel bad about it, I don't think it makes me less of a person, and don't see why I should lie about it. In fact, I wish that some people were less intelligent, they might be more pleasant to be around. Also, I'm one of those people. That's actually a win in my eyes.
I thought I was my social responsibility to be a muso, I honestly did.
I thought it was what I was here for.
I thought it was my reason for being, my destiny, my fate.
I thought that turning my back on music would be evil.
WHAT.
A.
GORMLESS
FUCKUP.
I.
WAS.
It is my sincere hope that someone reads this, realises what a complete and utter fool I was, and then proceeds to at least make DIFFERENT mistakes, if any.
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PERFORMER.
I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY LOVE OF MUSIC AND THE HEALING THAT IT BRINGS ME.
BUT I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH MY OWN EGO AND THE ATTENTION THAT BEING COMICAL BROUGHT ME, AND BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME FAMOUS ONE DAY, BECAUSE OF ALL THE AWARENESS I COULD BRING TO CERTAIN ISSUES, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE OF MY STUPID OVERSIZED EGO.
There.
I FUCKING SAID IT.
Bring Christianity and Aboriginal Spirituality into the mix (see above: Destiny, Fate) and I was doomed from the start.
I RICKI LEED MYSELF. (Remember that from the first Aussie Idol? Everyone assumed that someone else would vote her, because everybody loved her, so in the end not enough people voted for her.) By assuming that I understood the world around me at different times, I have made stupid and self-destructive mistakes.
Having said that: I still maintain that I could have just gotten by – with a little more help from my friends. Or if certain JSPs would have done their job. I don't see how any of that was my call. But ultimately, I still would have gotten burnt out, I would just be a little more comfortable financially after 600 dollars a fucking night instead of fucking 100. Who knows? Perhaps I might not have even burnt out? Too late now though. When I quit facebook, it lightened my heart immeasurably, as I knew I could avoid everything about facebook which destroyed my good mood, everyday. Really, it should be called 'twofacebook', or 'behindyourbackbook', or 'bunchofsnobsbutalsosomeofyourfriendsbook'.
And I feel exactly the same about performing. I kind of wish I was still religious - purely so I could Thank God every day that I never have to do this horrid soul-destroying (for me) work ever ever again. As an Atheist there's nobody but me to thank, and I don't fucking deserve it because I made it happen in the first place. It's like I pushed myself into the water and let myself half-drown. I'm not being grateful for THAT.
And any of you pedo-apologists that think that God would have helped? I BEGAN this journey as a Hardcore Christian, and some of the places this journey has taken me is what made me lose my faith in the first place. When you're groomed for something by a church (that, in a bizarre twist of fate, actually wasn't 'child abuse' for once) AND an ancient religion, you tend to go along with it when you're a stupid kid, especially if it makes you feel good. Doesn't mean it's the truth for a second, though - just like all the other bullshit that the largest pedophile networks in the world peddles to us. Oh, sorry: 'Churches'.
OF COURSE I'M FUCKING 'BITTER MUCH'.
What a question!
**************************************************************
I honestly had NO IDEA that that was the case. THIS is why I argue with people about my intelligence: This is NOT rocket science, if I couldn't see THIS, then I don't deserve the kudos of even having a standard intelligence. Now, I don't feel bad about it, I don't think it makes me less of a person, and don't see why I should lie about it. In fact, I wish that some people were less intelligent, they might be more pleasant to be around. Also, I'm one of those people. That's actually a win in my eyes.
I thought I was my social responsibility to be a muso, I honestly did.
I thought it was what I was here for.
I thought it was my reason for being, my destiny, my fate.
I thought that turning my back on music would be evil.
WHAT.
A.
GORMLESS
FUCKUP.
I.
WAS.
It is my sincere hope that someone reads this, realises what a complete and utter fool I was, and then proceeds to at least make DIFFERENT mistakes, if any.
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PERFORMER.
I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY LOVE OF MUSIC AND THE HEALING THAT IT BRINGS ME.
BUT I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH MY OWN EGO AND THE ATTENTION THAT BEING COMICAL BROUGHT ME, AND BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME FAMOUS ONE DAY, BECAUSE OF ALL THE AWARENESS I COULD BRING TO CERTAIN ISSUES, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE OF MY STUPID OVERSIZED EGO.
There.
I FUCKING SAID IT.
Bring Christianity and Aboriginal Spirituality into the mix (see above: Destiny, Fate) and I was doomed from the start.
I RICKI LEED MYSELF. (Remember that from the first Aussie Idol? Everyone assumed that someone else would vote her, because everybody loved her, so in the end not enough people voted for her.) By assuming that I understood the world around me at different times, I have made stupid and self-destructive mistakes.
Having said that: I still maintain that I could have just gotten by – with a little more help from my friends. Or if certain JSPs would have done their job. I don't see how any of that was my call. But ultimately, I still would have gotten burnt out, I would just be a little more comfortable financially after 600 dollars a fucking night instead of fucking 100. Who knows? Perhaps I might not have even burnt out? Too late now though. When I quit facebook, it lightened my heart immeasurably, as I knew I could avoid everything about facebook which destroyed my good mood, everyday. Really, it should be called 'twofacebook', or 'behindyourbackbook', or 'bunchofsnobsbutalsosomeofyourfriendsbook'.
And I feel exactly the same about performing. I kind of wish I was still religious - purely so I could Thank God every day that I never have to do this horrid soul-destroying (for me) work ever ever again. As an Atheist there's nobody but me to thank, and I don't fucking deserve it because I made it happen in the first place. It's like I pushed myself into the water and let myself half-drown. I'm not being grateful for THAT.
And any of you pedo-apologists that think that God would have helped? I BEGAN this journey as a Hardcore Christian, and some of the places this journey has taken me is what made me lose my faith in the first place. When you're groomed for something by a church (that, in a bizarre twist of fate, actually wasn't 'child abuse' for once) AND an ancient religion, you tend to go along with it when you're a stupid kid, especially if it makes you feel good. Doesn't mean it's the truth for a second, though - just like all the other bullshit that the largest pedophile networks in the world peddles to us. Oh, sorry: 'Churches'.
OF COURSE I'M FUCKING 'BITTER MUCH'.
What a question!
**************************************************************
 |
| "...it had a been a lame fuckaround. A waste of time." - Hunter S. Thompson. |
7.
The actual reason: A question I asked myself recently.
“If I need to get a job to be able to share (or even effectively advertise) my performances, then why don't I just keep ALL the money from THAT job and quit performing, if performing isn't going to bring me the joy OR money that 25 years of effort would imply?”
And THAT question right there is the ACTUAL reason I no longer perform.
All the other stuff is part of it, sure – but this right here, this is the actual reason. The irony is palpable – I actually know how to go about it now. I just have no interest any more. I would be a pretty good manager for a new start-up artist at least – if I didn't think that was wildly irresponsible, I mean. It's not 1970 anymore. Music is not about music anymore. If it ever was.
Look at Justin Bieber – I'M SERIOUS. Here was a 14 year old kid who wrote heartbreaking songs and played them on YouTube just because he had the outlet to do so. He wasn't worried about audio quality, or branding, or any of that shit.
Now, years later, he's hated worldwide.
If he'd just stuck to YouTube and concentrated on writing soulful tunes, his career might have taken a different path. It also might not have gone anywhere. But he probably wouldn't be hated worldwide.
Actually, you know what? Forget EVERYTHING I just said in this entire post.
Because when I start looking to Justin Bieber to make sense of anything ever, THAT'S REASON ENOUGH TO QUIT PERFORMING FOREVER, because I have clearly LOST MY WAY.
Point is: Don't worry about me mate – I'm HAPPY AS FUCK in my new life. And for the record (because my initials are LP) I am still more than happy to do house parties, and perform for my FRIENDS.
Because, looking back, that's who my real fans always were: Friends who did support me. And if my lot in life is to perform for those who're worthy (i.e. not bigots etc.)? Well, I've already got my audience, haven't I? And it will be good to start downsizing my ego (now that I don't need it for performing), in line with my new life. It can only make me happier.
And the simple fact of the matter is this: 25 years is a fucking strong innings, even if I rarely kicked goals, and even if I mix my sports metaphors.
If nothing else, I at least showed determination. And THAT I can take pride in, if nothing else.
Sadly, it took more than I had. I can see that now. And I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made, because each time I either didn't know better (a kid believing religion) or felt forced to choose the lesser of two evils (choosing 'poor advertisement' over 'no advertisement').
But I didn't quit. That's SOMETHING.
Uh - until now, at least.
Wait, does that mean that I SHOULD feel bad? Because FUCK THAT SHIT.
This is how trying to organise a public gig with me goes now:
Me: I can't. I'm busy that night.
Them: I haven't told you the date yet.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty busy in general, what with also being a time traveller and part time ghost hunter.
Them: You don't need to be a dick about it.
Me: We'll see. How much were you going to pay me, exactly?
Them: BLAH BLAH BLAH A MERE PITTANCE (I don't even bother listening now)
Me: That's weird, I thought we weren't allowed to be dicks about this, but that amount is just plain offensive. See ya. DICK.
Them: MY NAME IS JANE (or whatever)
Me: Okay my bad, bye bye Dick, good luck hiring bums off the street for that amount of cash, or more likely a DJ.
Because I will force you to entertain me for free in that conversation, because fuck you and your offensive pittance, you fucking jobsnob. What? You won't hire me after that? Mate, YOUR loss, not mine. All I missed out on was getting ripped off. Let's see your fucking DJ write multiple songs on the spot with random patrons, thereby creating a memorable evening (Say the words 'Chaos In The Carpark' and 'MonkeyFishLove' to the old King of Burnie crew and they'll still wet themselves - true story). No, have fun dancing to stuff that's probably already in your damn iPod, and you're basically only paying the DJ to plug HIS iPod in and press fucking 'Play'. Or 'Shuffle' if he's one of the REALLY classy MP3 DJs.
I only know one person who actually spins disc, and therefore actually deserves to be called a DJ. And his named is Benny Bonsai, and you should hire HIM whenever you can because he GETS IT, MAN. 100% serious.
Anyway, this is how trying to organise a public gig with me is supposed to go:
Me: I can't. I'm busy that night
Them: You don't even know the date.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty busy in general, what with also being a time traveller and part time ghost hunter.
Them: You don't need to be a dick about it.
Me: We'll see. How much were you going to pay me, exactly?
Them: Well, I'm paying for fucking 25 years worth of experience here, so let's haggle, motherfucker.
THAT'S THE CORRECT RESPONSE. (Curse words are optional though.)
Guess how many times I've heard it?
Actually, ONCE is the answer. And they got one of the best gigs I ever gave.
So, now I have one gig left on the books, ever. It's at the (removed) in (removed) in about 2 weeks, and it will be a fucking corker gig which I will enjoy, which is the only reason I didn't cancel it on general principle. After that, I'm DONE. I am divorced from performing, I am an ex-performer, it is part of my past.
(UPDATE: In a turn of events that probably surprises absolutely nobody, that gig was cancelled by the client. In the past I would have looked for another gig on that night. Now, I'm considering buying a cigar.)
People always think they're special. That the rules don't apply to them. Some people will still ask me if I will do a public gig. And I will quote Hunter S. Thompson when I reply:
"Fuck no! Not today, thank you kindly."
