The Article I Wrote For All Those People Who Clearly Only Read The Title And Not The Actual Article Itself

^title

You're welcome.

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Top 5 Ways To Slap Someone While Wearing A Madonna Mask

According to my notes, I should start off my articles with a picture of someone holding a kitten.
My notes don't say which type.

Congratulations on choosing a great hobby which will keep your body in good shape and your mind sharp! Many people slap other people while wearing a Madonna mask, such as Brett Targon and Olivia DeLange (two world-famous actors who I made up just now).

Your very first action should be to choose which Madonna you will be 'facing off' as.

Your second should be to compliment me on that excellent pun.

For the purposes of this article, I have chosen to honour a little-known marine researcher known to the world as "Madonna, Lady Of The Great Open Waters And Destroyer Of Men".

However, I was unable to find a picture of her face due to having also made her up just now.

I did find a picture of this thing here though, which was apparently a kitten once.
Also, I never realised how much badgers look like dwarven tapirs before.
So, you know - I've got that going for me.

Instead, I will default to the Virgin Madonna, by which I obviously mean “Madonna Ciccone who did some song about being a virgin that one time years ago”.

Notice how I put the wrong link in my previous sentence? If not, 'spoiler alert', I guess.

Well, apparently that's called 'satire' nowadays, and not 'absurdism', because that's evolution of language and apparently not complete and total wankstains not being able to use their native language beyond the level of a fucking primary school student.

Unless that's what 'linguistic evolution' actually is - in which case a certain primary school teacher has owed me an apology for well over 30 years. Just sayin'.

Also, I didn't ramble on about meaningless crap just then with a poorly formulated comedy routine which simply involved me being mean-spirited, that's not what happened.

It was satire, you see. So I get a free pass for everything I ever say no matter what, because 'satire'.

Even though it demonstrably wasn't actually satire, because I clearly wasn't actually satirizing anything. 

MAGIC! Hoohoohacha etc.

Look at me everyone - I'm a talented, intelligent and thoughtful human being and certainly not a piece of walking dogshit wrapped in the skin of a pasty and possibly-literally-retarded shitcunt.
^ modern "satire"

Wolverine Paul, beloved Disney Star, who I hear is currently bigger in Japan than Tom Waits.
^ ACTUAL fucking satire.

Also, while I've got you here, look into his dead dead eyes and despair for your soul. You know, just for fun.

Anyway, next you need her face, or a reasonable facsimile.

PROTIP: Just print out a picture of it. The other way is probably more hassle than its worth, unless you're the stupid lame version of the Joker that DC comics forced upon the world fairly recently. Not to worry - I'm sure they'll reboot some time next week.

Moving on.

After somehow procuring her face you then need to decide which era Madonna you want to be.

Here's a Madonna mask that I prepared earlier.

No, that's not creepy at all.

What a bizarre question to ask!

I've chosen 2008 Madonna for very deep and spiritually meaningful reasons, and certainly not just because it was the only decent-sized picture of her on the royalty-free-picture-catalog-that-also-has-words-for-some-reason known as Wikipedia.

Well crafted segues are for lame nerds, which brings us neatly to the topic of the Top 5 Ways To Slap Someone While Wearing A Madonna Mask.

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PAPA DON'T SLAP

5. Callahan style

This one's great for beginners, because there's no actual physical contact required - the idea is to psyche out the slappee without even touching them.

Just look the slappee directly in the face and say “I know what you're thinking. Did I slap 5 people, or 6? You have to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky, punk?”

Some slappees may say something like “That's not how English works. You just asked me if I think that you're feeling lucky. How could I possibly glean that information from the small amount of data that you've given me? Are you new to this whole 'speaking' thing, or are you just very very stupid?”

Others may say silly and unhelpful things like "That's not how that line actually goes".

This may confuse you at first, but don't worry - this is just secret code for ”Please don't merely slap me, please also punch me in the throat”.

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The little-known 'original Stooges': Larry, Madge, and Curly.

4. The Three Stooges style

This one is ideal for intermediate slappers because the moves are more basic than Eminem's ex apparently is.

To begin get two friends, and poke one of them in their eyes. If they're on the ball, ask them to move off of it because OUCH. However, if they have their mind engaged in the situation, then they'll block your eye-poke by lining their hands vertically with their nose, thereby stopping you from reaching their eyes.

If they do this, just grab one of their ears, and then slap them voraciously about their facial area.

If they don't do this, you'll have poked them in both of their eyes. To celebrate your successful application of this classic slapstick gag, you should slap them with a mad flurry of chops to their midriff.

Eventually, the other friend will ask what they're supposed to be doing. When this happens you should pull their nose, slap them directly on top of the head, and then say "SHUT UP, SHEP".

They will then disappear and nobody will ever mention them ever again.

The only disadvantage of this style that if you keep it up for too long, Jack from Will & Grace may show up. I consider that a bonus. You may not.

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It is unknown if Madonna has seen "I Am Sam".
If you properly understood that entire reference, you're probably very very old.

 3. Dr Seuss style

This one is another one that's ideal for intermediate slappers, because the slap itself doesn't matter as much as where in the world that the slap takes place.

Here are a few locations that qualify for this slap type:

- in a house
- with a mouse
- in a box
- with a fox
- in a car
- in a tree

There are many other locations that qualify, so get out there (here and there) to see what other places you can find!

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NOTE: This technique also works well with dead parrots.

2. Monty Python style

Slap them with a fish instead of your hands.

Although this may seem like an easy slap, fish make notoriously ineffective weapons.

Further, many types of fish don't have the correct body shape for a good fish slap.

I AM LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU, BREAM.

I personally use deboned red gurnards, because that's the only real use for them - they taste terrible and make poor bait.

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1. Kill Paris 'Slap Me' style

This is the only advanced style to appear on this list. I've put this here so that beginners can have some idea of the effort that they'll eventually be expected to put into their chosen hobby.

It's quite complex, so I've broken it down in list form (LISTCEPTION) for you below.

- learn how to do one of the many 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' tricks.

- learn to play bass guitar.

- learn to play 'Slap Me' by Kill Paris by ear, because there's still no good bass tabs for it anywhere on the entire fucking internet. Any music featuring slap bass technique would work for this, but that particular tune is the community standard for this technique, hence the name of the style.

- perform it in front of a few people. Under 50 is ideal, by which I mean 'their ages', not 'the amount of audience members'.

- when you've finished performing the piece, mention over the microphone that you've got a trick to show the audience and that you need a volunteer from the audience.

What to do if nobody volunteers:

Find the biggest bloke in the room and say that you can beat him in a drinking contest. He will then get up on stage with you. When he gets on stage, tell him you forfeit the drinking contest and that he wins. He will, for some reason that I've never understood, not return to the audience. Instead, he will simply sit there awaiting orders like some kind of robotic man.

- in either case, you need to use your chosen 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' tricks, which will wow the audience. But it's not for them, it's for you. You just practiced the most important part of the upcoming trick.

- return to the stage amidst applause (and maybe also red roses being thrown at your feet, if movies are anything to go by).

- all that's left to do now is to take hold of your bass guitar and SLAP THE AUDIENCE MEMBER WITH IT THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. This is why you need your 'disappear in a cloud of smoke' trick.

Remember - make sure you don't hit them too hard. It's supposed to be 'satire' not 'involuntary manslaughter'!

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Good luck out there, and remember:
"Insert lame catchphrase about slapping HERE!"

All pictures in this article were taken from Wikipedia.
The picture of Madonna used in this article was taken from a wikipedia picture belonging to David Shankbone

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SECRET SLAP TECHNIQUE

Wolverine Paul Style

This one is simple to do, but it's very hard to set up.

You have to have the world at your feet, and then completely fuck your reputation by having the same amount of racial sensitivity as 'a sexy Rosa Parks Halloween costume'.

The real trick with this one is that you clearly need a slap yourself, but you'll probably never ever get it.

This trick is made much easier if your parents are clearly negligent, or just plain shitty people.

Hey, I can say that - it's satire.

Songwriting Notes: Hypernormalization (Part 2 of 2)

This is a literal copy-paste from the YouTube description for the song: "A few weeks before this song published, I found out there was a documentary titled 'Hypernormalisation', so I changed the spelling of the song title to make it clear that it's not related to the film. I actually learnt the term from a video on gaming, made by the excellent channel Strat-Edgy Productions (who I am not affiliated with in any way, apart from being a huge fan): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdI757JhSeU Although you can't tell to listen to it, the amount of time and effort that this song took is truly staggering. I persevered purely because I've never heard anyone else do this. I highly doubt that I'm the first person to think of using fades to emulate the phenomenon of hypernormalisation, but that was no reason not to give the idea my personal interpretation." said Liam to nobody in particular.

Songwriting Notes: Hypernormalization (Part 1 of 2)

Change is inevitable.

But how do we measure change?

On a larger scale, it's easy to gauge: First, a plate is full of food. Later, it isn't. Over time the plate is cleared. But when does it go from 'full' to 'empty'? When is the exact moment that it happens? When someone starts eating? When they've finished? When the plate is less than 50% covered with food? When the plate is literally emtpy?

In other words: How do we measure small changes?

Very poorly.

Regardless of your age, think of your favourite treat, like a Mars bar or whatever. How much has the price changed in your lifetime? How many times did it rise before you stopped counting? How many times did it rise before you stopped caring? And a far better question: How many times did it rise BECAUSE you stopped caring?

Well, we have no way to know that, because it's a very complex question, but it's an interesting one.

If you're a smoker over 35 years of age, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

If you're a Left4Dead fan, you get this joke.
If not, don't worry - it's not that funny.

It brings to mind the thought experiment of Grandfather's Axe, which is NOT a paradox no matter how many different websites say it is.

Let's say your grandfather gives you an axe, because that's totally an appropriate gift for a grandchild.

Over time, the handle wears away, and you have to replace it.

The head is the original, but the handle is not.

Is it still your grandfather's axe?

What if the head is replaced? Then the axe contains no original parts at all.

Can it still be considered your grandfather's axe?

Thanks, Pop - just what I always wanted!

The reason that the thought experiment DOESN'T WORK, that nobody seems to mention, is that it ceased to be your grandfather's axe the MOMENT HE GAVE IT TO YOU.

All versions of it are YOUR axe.

Obviously, I am being a pedantic sophist.

But does that make me wrong?

And it is in the spirit of this that I state unequivocally that society is demonstrably evil, because the best versions of us have all been hypernormalised into being, at least partly, selfish version of ourselves. And it's getting worse. We're watching it get worse.

Or are people going to suddenly stop lying and making excuses about making money doing bullshit that they know is wrong?

I have been trying to figure out how to put that into words for years.

I thought I'd feel better once I did.

I don't.

So I wrote a song about it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This song is BY FAR the most difficult thing I've ever laid down. Not the most frustrating, and not the most intricate, but definitely the most difficult.

See, this is where I started mixing my work differently with a new streamlined process. And thank Lemmy that I did, because otherwise I would probably STILL be going.

Here is how the process manifested itself on this song:

- write the song in FL Studio
- record the guitar parts for the acoustic version
- record the guitar parts for the electric version
- mixdown the acoustic version
- mixdown electric version
- crossfade both versions (i.e. fade the acoustic version out while the electric version fades in)

That's pretty complex, but that's not where the issue was.

For some reason I will never understand, the mixdowns are not indicative of their actual quality. So, you can add:

- listen to each and every single mixdown at least once, and make the necessary changes, then listen again.

Which is fine, because that's fun and doesn't get old super quick /sarcasm. Anyway, that means we need to add:

- mix every version until it's perfect, so that the crossfade works.

Now, there was an issue with both versions, where everything was perfect except the hihats were too loud.

By this point, I'd been doing the song and little else for 2 weeks, so I took a break because hypernormalisation itself is actually a very real issue when it comes to sound engineering. In other words, you get used to hearing the bad mix, so when you get the mix RIGHT, it sounds WRONG.

So, you need to add in:

- take a break for a week or so

But then when you get back, you're still in the exact same boat. But at least you can hear it with fresh ears. So, that brings us to:

- remix the hihats

Oh and look, now that's thrown all the frequencies out of whack, and you have to remix everything all over again, from scratch. Which eventually brings us back around to:

- remix the hihats again

DAMMIT I JUST DID THAT. Which brings us to:

- remix the whole thing again.

Look, I'm about a third of the way through this process. By now, it would have taken you longer to read about the song than to just listen to it. So I'll shorten the rest of the piece by summarising.

JUST PICK THE DAMN THING UP!
JUST RECORD THE DAMN SONG!
Meh.

- spend about 3 days on one bloody single instrument (the hihats)
- THEN DO ALL OF THAT ALL OVER AGAIN FOR THE ELECTRIC VERSION
- Then you have to worry about vocals, writing and recording
- Then you have to nearly get booted from your distributor for using the line 'All Too Easy' because some movie used it literally decades ago, even though the phrase doesn't contain trademarked words, isn't the damn song title (or even in the chorus at all) and you only use it once 
- remove the sample "Expect something fiercer, more cruel and deadly than anything that ever walked the earth" from the end, because that's actually fair enough because it's a literal audio sample lifted from the film, TARANTULA! which is still in copyright.
- ask if you can just say the line "Expect something fiercer, more cruel and deadly than anything that ever walked the earth" and be basically laughed at by your distributor. Because 'ya basic', I guess.
- write to both studios asking permission to use 'their' lines.
- wonder what happened to the 'making music' part of being a musician.
- realise that the studios won't reply to you because you're just some little pissant hobbyist musician.
- replace the line 'All Too Easy' with you saying "Cool, man - real cool"
- replace the TARANTULA! line with you saying 'Expect nothing' and stretch the sample out without appropriate defaults so it sounds 'interesting', and also fills up the same amount of space.
- realise it's well past the date you wanted to release it, and decide that nobody really cares anyway, and that all you wanted was proof you could produce the song at all.
- set it to launch on Jan 26th, thereby turning Jan 26th from 'a day you hate', into 'a day you can celebrate'. Everyone else can celebrate their lame thing, and you can celebrate your lame thing. Everybody wins!
- type up a whole long bunch of notes that very few people are ever going to read, because you're COMMITTED TO THIS THING NOW (tm)

In closing, the next song I release will be one acoustic guitar track, one vocal track, and MAYBE some harmonies and a lead break. MAYBE.

I think I've earnt that much.

Songwriting Notes: Hometown

Let's get something out into the open, straight away: I am allowed to hang shit on my hometown. You are not.

Unless you live there, of course.

It's like a younger relative, or whatever: YOU can mock them, because you know it comes from a place of love. But if anyone else mocks them, well...

I live in Devonport, Tasmania. Well, nobody really 'lives' there, but I digress.

There are bunch of people who don't think that Tasmanians are lazy and stupid. These people are 'the Tasmanian public'. Everyone else knows the truth.

That might sound harsh, but it's not. 

Isn't 'lazy and stupid' another way of saying 'don't waste time doing pointless crap if someone else will do it for you, and also let's not overthink it'?

Yes. Yes, it is.

That's how everyone else knows the truth about us.

Or, perhaps, the rest of the world is insane. Or perhaps they're just wrong.

All I know is that Tasmania is as beautiful as Queensland, but we're not the tourism capital of Aussie. We have just as much of an artistic presence as Melbourne or Sydney, except that, wait, no we don't, I got that wrong. We have as much TALENT as Melbourne or Sydney, talent that invariably moves interstate because Tasmanian society actively works against the arts.

Or have people stopped hiring Mp3-Jays for their lame social events, and started hiring ACTUAL fucking musicians again?

Whatever.

Anyway, I'm bored with this now.

Point is, the album art for the song 'Hometown' features Devonport's actual legit 'Piss Alley', as mentioned in the song.

Oh, and before anybody asks: You don't get a picture in this piece because I can't be bothered finding one. You'll live. Even worse, you might get used to it. Hey - that's the Devonport way, baby.

BONUS FACT: I use an 8-bit version of this song for the intros/outros/segues on my (currently rebranding) Strontium Dingo YouTube Channel.

Songwriting Notes: Final Transmission (Part 1 of 2)

This song is by far the quickest I've ever recorded, it was about 3 days from conception to release. The release was dragged out by the album art issues, but the song itself was easy to write. That's because it doesn't matter.

I wrote the type of music I did, because the song was for me. Hey, I've TRIED doing it the other way, writing stuff I thought people would like. That's not my journey, I guess. I spend years on a song (and I have on some of them) and people are just like 'meh'. Meanwhile, Nikki Azalea (or whoever) releases more turgid shit that they didn't even write and everyone loses their god damned mind.

Point is, the amount of effort you put into something is utterly meaningless to the consumer. That's the price of so-called 'glamour'.

I personally can't fucking stand the glamour of art, I think we tell each other more than enough lies already.

The music industry is literally Kayfabe.
THERE.
I SAID IT.

So, I wrote this song, with meaningless lyrics, and electro-style music that only I will like.

But the song only exists as a carrier for the morse code message. There's your fucking 'glamour'.

And I must have done okay at that, because most people I show it to just think it's a shitty electro song, and they don't even NOTICE the morse code until it's pointed out to them.

It is a shitty song - I'm fully aware of that, but I like it, and surely that counts for something.

But the message, the idea of the song, the comment I'm making about 'hidden signals' - THAT I fucking NAILED.  Also, the fact that others don't really dig on it is WHY IT WORKS. If people liked it, they'd listen better, and hear the morse code.

This is the first time I've been able to accurately take an idea and make it sound EXACTLY like I wanted.

Well, in any song that matters to ME. I mean, sure I've written lots of acoustic stuff that sounded like I wanted it to, but so what? Most guitarists can do that.

If you want to hear unimaginative crap, then try another artist, someone who peddles that kind of garbage.

Or just stick around here, I guess - I'm probably not going to be able to keep up this 'artistic integrity' bullshit up for long. ;)

Why I'm Not famous

I've actually had people ask me why I'm not famous for my music. However, it's usually asked by people that don't personally know me, which I think answers the question perfectly.

But let's examine it anyway.

Here is a poem that a former landlord wrote about me:

"My name's not Mick, and my name's not Seamus,
My name is Paddy, and I'm will never be famous."

Were I a different type of idiot, I would consider the idea that magic is real and that I had been literally and actually cursed.

Because I am the type of idiot that I am, I consider that absolute poppycock.

Hehe.

'cock'.

"What are you, 12? Jeez."

Also, I have no interest in maintaining a social media presence, I actively hate and avoid people because they suck at society which somehow means that I suck at society, I no longer perform and 'not releasing songs' is the only way I have to make sure I'm not bringing joy to racists and paedophiles, because, you know, fuck those guys.

So, basically, in reality, the actual answer is that I'm clearly way too impressed with myself to try and fit in with the current so-called 'entertainment' infrastructure because I never grew out of my teen angst "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" phase.

Further, I am quite possibly the living embodiment of the musical version of the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

But it MIGHT be because magic is real. You never know!

Hey - whatever, as long as it's not my fault...

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All jokes aside, people have often said to me: "If I had your talent, I'd be rich."

I agree completely.

But, unfortunately for all concerned, I was the one given my talents, and I have weird rules about stuff (like 'not wanting terrible people to listen to my music'), so, it was ruined before it began.

Talent doesn't happen in a vacuum. Every artist is different, but my musical abilities have more to do with 'curiosity about patterns' than 'talent' or 'skill'. For instance, to this day I still can't shred ('play guitar really fast').

But I can tell you why another guitarist's shredwork is good or bad, using maths.

Just gonna leave this here for no reason at all...

THAT'S my talent. Finding the MATHS in music.

My talent isn't in 'replicating other people's songs'. I can do that, but why bother? It's not like I ever made money on it. Others can. I cannot.

My talent isn't in 'writing music that people want to hear'.

Those two things are why I will never be famous. Which suits me fine - when you're famous, you have to 'waste time staying famous' instead of 'creating the kind of work that made you famous', and people stop judging your work on its own merits.

I wanted to be famous when I was younger.

I honestly think that it would have destroyed me.

I would've had no incentive to have changed my personality in a manner that allows me to spend time with the few humans that I do want to spend time with. I could go on and on about that, but I won't.

Nowadays, I am grateful that I never even achieved local fame. The social responsibility that I always wanted to bring to the role, the one original thing I had to give, is par for the course now anyway.

That social responsibility, though.

I said before that I don't want to bring joy to racists and paedophiles, and that remains true.

But I don't have people like that in my life anymore, and seeing as it's most likely only my friends that will buy my music, well maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.

So, I'll do it. I'll release stuff.

Just a random picture to break up the text. Do not overthink this.

You're looking for a metaphor, aren't you?

(sigh)  Next time, I'll just use a picture of some fluffy bunnies or something

But let's be 100% clear - I'm doing this for ME. I tried writing music that I thought other people would like, and they didn't.

I tried. For decades.

So, you can question and judge all sorts of shit about me if you want - but you cannot question my tenacity until you suck at something for 30+ years without quitting.

The only thing I ever 'quit' was performing. That wasn't 'lazy of me' that was 'a really stupid mistake to begin with'.

Or maybe it was lazy of me and I'm just delusional. That's certainly not impossible.

I just don't care anymore.

Final Transmission - Original Cover Art

What, do you want me to write 'Final Transmission' in bright blue crayon or something, stores?

This is the intended cover for my first single, Final Transmission.

The stores rejected it because 'it wasn't clearly titled'.

The title, Final Transmission is clearly written in Binary. Granted, that's not a common method of communication for humans, which is kind of the point of the song itself. Thematically, it is literally PERFECT. But I wasn't allowed to use it.

How does this restriction benefit the creator or the consumer?  I see no reason to blindly accept that there is any good reason for this anti-artistic nonsense, especially seeing that no good reason was given me. The reason was 'because the art was confusing, because it didn't have the title on it'.

Okay, but...seriously, who cares?

"Oh, I meant to buy the latest Nine Inch Nails album but I accidentally bought a Taylor Swift album instead, because neither of them had the name written in hot pink across the cover in Times New Roman" said nobody ever.

"I thought this song was called Final Transmission, not Hell Zero or Hello or whatever that's supposed to say, because I don't know how to read a store webpage properly" - also said by nobody ever.

So, essentially, the artwork was rejected "because 'reasons' or whatever".

Pffft.

Artistic restrictions should happen either 'due to circumstance' or 'artistic reasons'.

They should NOT happen because idiots wearing business suits want their life to be easy, or whatever their damn reasoning is, which I have no way of knowing, apart from "derp derp just shut up and do what we say derpa derp"

I have two choices: Change the art, or don't release the single.

Along with 'being creative in the so-called album art for my song', do you know what else I'm not allowed to do?

I'm not allowed to put a website address on it.

Yet, the actual store-sanctioned album art clearly displays the URL for this very page written in Binary, plain as day!

Now THAT'S art.

- Paddy

My distributors, DistroKid, are fantastic. My issue isn't with them, it's with the stores, so I wanted to make it clear that this post wasn't about them in ANY way.