#5 - Highlander and Spongebob: So to speak

So, we (probably) all know that Bart Simpson is voiced by a lady. A (presumably) nice lady called Nancy Cartwright.

But tell me, my friends - What's the link between Highlander and Spongebob?

Don't give me that 'Which Higlander?' malarky. As far as I'm concerned, MacLeod was correct - there really WAS 'only one'.

Clancy Brown as The Kurgan

Anyway, the answer is: This guy - this guy right here. He's also Mr Eugene H Krabbs.

Clancy Brown as Mr Krabbs.
(Makeup is truly awesome nowadays.)

The Kurgan is Mr Krabbs.

Weird, huh?

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When I was younger, I played a game on PC called 'Baldur's Gate II'. It was the first time I'd ever encountered the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons system, and I got right into it. Long story short, you travelled around the world slaying stuff and talking to bizarre characters who would sometimes join you, the player. Eventually Bioware (this is back when they made actual games instead of fancy slideshows with crappy endings) released an expansion for the game, called 'Throne of Bhaal'.

In 'Throne of Bhaal', you find out that one of your previous enemies named Sarevok is actually your half-brother, who then joins your party. He's a complete hardass. And it felt like it, too. See, it was voice acted by some awesome talent (more on that later) and they would all say things based on whatever was happening to your party at the time.

Sarevok = hardass brother from hell, literally. 

For example: When a character in your party is hit by an attack, they might make an 'Ugh!' or 'Oof!'noise. If they were low on health, they would say things like "I could really use some help over here!", or "I require your assistance.". Which is kind of funny, because they've accidentally also said 'I require your ass'. Anyway, my favourite part is how they communicated the general personality of each character by the thing they said when you click-on/select each of them. The bard would say something like 'How may I assist you, my pretty little raven-dove?' (because Bards are overly wordy wankers. Yes, I'm a Lvl 36 bard. Shut up.), the low-confidence magic-user would say something like 'I just KNOW I can help!', and the crazy ranger would say "Butt kicking, for goodness!". When your character dies, they yell a loud and painful yell.

I'm sure you can imagine the type.

And you'll need to, because I can't find any good links for any of this stuff.

"GO FOR THE EYES, BOO - GO FOR THE EYES! (Squeeeeaaak!)"- yelled by Minsc (and Boo).
Actual in-game quote. AWESOME.

But not Sarevok. Oh, no - never Sarevok. When he gets hit, he LAUGHS. He literally laughs. Because 'as if you could defeat me!'. When he is about to die from his wounds, he yells "HEAL MY WOUNDS NOW!", and when he dies he says through gritted teeth "NO! I - REFUSE!"

"Gritted teeth? Why would a voice actor grit his teeth? He's not an actor, nobody is looking at him." thought a younger Paddy. "I see now - because he is voice ACTING. It's not just turning up and saying some stuff. It's getting into the role, and preparing, and all that stuff. But no-one sees your face."

Whoever that voice actor was, I liked his work. So, I checked the game manual for the voice acting credits. And it wasn't there. That moment right there, I vowed to find out his name. But this was (just) before the internet allowed us to research things of that nature, so all I could think to do was keep an ear out for the rest of my life (I'm not real smart and stuff).

Fast Forward to The Matrix. There was an animated DVD release called The Animatrix, and it featured a selection of 9 different stories which took place in The Matrix universe. One of them was called 'Final Flight Of The Osiris', which was (unsurprisingly) about the last voyage of an airship called 'The Osiris'- and I knew I'd heard the voice of the captain before.

It was that guy, the one who played Sarevok.

I think that might be the only time that anyone has ever stopped the feature just so they could look at the credits.

I found out his name is Kevin Michael Richardson, and here's a clip of his work on Final Flight Of The Osiris (assuming it doesn't get taken down):

Final Flight Of The Osiris trailer on YouTube

(Skip ahead to 3:30 if you wish to go directly to the Osiris part to hear his voice)

And he looks like this:

 Kevin Michael Richardson, who is unbelievably not related to Craig Charles.
(thanks to Johnno for that gag)

As he should.

Fast Forward again, to when The Cleveland Show first came out. This Family Guy spin-off show features a whole cast of characters, and I was curious as to who voices Cleveland. Cleveland is a (usually) softly-spoken black man who has a very slight southern accent (and an annoying son).

Here's the trailer for the first season for those who haven't seen the show, so you can hear his voice:

The Cleveland Show Season 1 trailer

(Did you recognise the voice of Seth Green? He plays Chris, the son from Family Guy.)

Here's a picture of the guy who plays Cleveland Brown, who surprised the hell out of me by looking nothing like I thought he would:

Mike Henry, the voice of Cleveland Brown.
Also: WTF, Universe?

Did you know that Kanye West was on The Cleveland Show, as a character called 'Kenny West'? Check this out or not or whatever:

Kenny West and Cleveland Brown Jr - Mic Battle

So, you (most likely) know what Kanye looks like. I'd like you to, in your head, imagine the face of the person who voices Cleveland Jr. What does he look like, do you think?

Now watch this clip about the recording of the above Mic Battle:

Cleveland Brown Mic Battle: Behind The Scenes

If the guy who voices Cleveland Jr looks familiar, it's because you were just looking at a picture of him: it's Kevin Michael Richardson.

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Most people have 'favourite actors'. I have 'favourite voice actors, and also Tim Curry' instead, because I think it would have a higher degree of difficulty and that voice actors don't get anywhere enough credit. Literally. Like in the game manual for Baldur's Gate II, which I mentioned earlier. Also, because I have minor hipster tendencies. But mainly the credit-where-it's-due thing.

(If you know actors well enough to know that Tim Curry does plenty of voice-work, and want to share that with me because you're a pedant, then please punch yourself in the face instead. Because STYLE, bitch.)

Here is some pretty bizarre voice actor trivia from the two main voice actors from Curious George, which may or may not actually align properly.  I even added bullet points because I love you:

Curious George Voice Actor List Of Surprisingness
Actor	Character	Also known as the voice of:	From:
Frank Welker	Curious George	Megatron / Soundwave Brain / Dr Claw Abu Nibbler	Original Transformers series Original Inspector Gadget series Disney's Aladdin Futurama
Jeff Bennet	Man In The Yellow Hat	Dr Steinman Kyle Katarn Johnny Bravo	Bioshock Jedi Knight games Johnny Bravo, animated series

FUN FACT: Flea, the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers voices the jungle boy 'Donnie', in the Wild Thornberries.

Here are some voice actors from BGII that you might know from their other works, in no particular order. This isn't about how awesome BGII is ('very' - thanks for asking), but about reading the lists below and saying "Hey, I didn't know that Ghostface was Mojo Jojo!" or "Wow - a Jem And The Holograms reference!" or not or whatever. I only add the BGII references as a framing device for the list - if you haven't played the game, the list should still make sense.

Baldur's Gate II Voice Actor List Of Awesomeness:
BGII NPC	Actor	Also known as the voice of	From
Aerie	Kath Soucie	Cubert Farnsworth Kanga Phil and Lil Minx	Futurama Winnie The Pooh Rugrats Jem and the Holograms
Keldorn	Roger L Jackson	Ghostface (Voice) Mojo Jojo Abraham Lincoln	Scream PowerPuff Girls Sam and Max
Anomen	Rob Paulson	Pinky Boober Fraggle / Sprocket / Marjory the Trash Heap Spike	Pinky And The Brain Fraggle Rock The Land Before Time
Yoshimo	Maurice LaMarche	Brain Kif Kroker / Lrrr / Morbo (and others) Vekk Mr Freeze	Pinky And The Brain Futurama Guild Wars: Eye of the North Batman: Arkham City
Mazzy	Jennifer Hale	Female Commander Shepard Samus Aran Jean Grey	Mass Effect games Metroid Prime games Wolverine and the X-Men
Viconia / Nalia	Grey DeLisle	Mandy Azula Jeanette / Therese Ms Marvel / The Enchantress Catwoman Kahlee Sanders /Dalatrass Linron Female Wizard (Player)	Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy Avatar: The Last Airbender) Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines Marvel Super Hero Squad Batman: Arkham City Mass Effect 3 Diablo III
Minsc	Jim Cummings	Winnine The Pooh (and Tigger too!) Captain Mathias Thanos	Winnie The Pooh Dead Space: Downfall Marvel Super Hero Squad

That's right, folks: Winnie The Pooh is The Avatar Of Death. Try not to think about that when you go to sleep. Ever. You're welcome.

FUN FACT: Mike Patton, solo artist and vocalist from Faith No More, Tomahawk, and Mr Bungle (and the list goes on - oh, boy does it go on) was the voice of the zombies from the Will Smith film 'I Am Legend', and also from the game "Left 4 Dead". He was also the 'voice' of The Darkness from the game of the same name.

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But my current favourite voice actor of all time (I got that from 'Tautologies R Us', thanks) can't be found on Wikipedia, or IMBD. Indeed his internet prescence is much smaller than his works would suggest. Some have said the same about me, but they're wrong because I currently have the keyboard. Oh, and a Soundcloud account. And clips on YouTube (kind of). Where's YOURS? Also: HA-HA! Unless you have them, in which case I say: "You are already a success in my eyes, which are a very handsome shade of brown. Oh, so very very handsome."

In any case, observe this little comedy gem about what Boba Fett might get up to in his spare time (you might need to press play on the screen/link/etc.):

In A Neighbourhood Not So Far Away...

Watch the credits for the 'hey broo, git in tha kitchen and cook me sem iggs' bit, and see his awesome face.

(Also, you can thank Joffre Street Productions for that fantastic little skit by hiring them to record stuff for you.)

So what if I already knew David 'Q-Dog' Quinn? So what if I call him Quinnie instead of (the equally awesome moniker of) 'Q-Dog'? So what if we were already pals?

Should I not enjoy his work merely because I know him? How does that even make sense?

And yet that's how it works, isn't it?

We friend-zone artists all the time.

Even when we already know them.

In fact, I'd even go as far as to say: Especially when we already know them.

"Dammit, that is NOT what I meant by Friend Zone, and you know it."
FUN FACT: This is the first picture on this blog that doesn't feature a bald dude in it. Seriously.

You would think that familiarity bred support and word-of-mouth, but no - it does indeed breed contempt.  Well, maybe not contempt - but definitely indifference. Even in other artist friends. Indeed, what you've just witnessed is me realising/admitting that I friend-zone my artist friends, and my discomfort at the knowledge.

(Dammit, didn't I already cover this in another blog? How deep does my well of talent-blindness go, anyway? BAH!)

When we friend-zone artists, 2 things happen (he said, wanting to sound smart but just coming off as preachy):

1) We miss out on their works.
2) They miss out on revenue.

Even if you only care about one of those things, you can surely see that they are both connected.

I haven't followed Quinnie's career as closely as I might have, but I recently interviewed him (more on this after the blog, stick around - there's cake. I PROMISE.) and was frankly astounded at the amount of his work that I've missed out on so far. Many of those involve stage acting - and I can never see them now because I've missed out on my chance.

Some might say: "You're jumping on a bandwagon, Paddy". Well, to those people I say "If I intend to be a paying customer, then I'm pretty sure the ticket master (or whatever bandwagons have, or however the hell this analogy is supposed to work) will happily accept my money, friend or not. Also, your clothes are stupid. And your face. Your ridiculous ridiculous face, you goofy-looking bastard you.".

"But what should I use a picture of?"
"Anything at all - it doesn't matter. You just need to break the words up."
"Okay, so what about the caption?"
"Just use anything, it doesn't matter."
"Anything?"
"ANYTHING."
"Ummm... Like, this conversation?"
"No, not like this conv- actually, you know what? YES. Use this conversation. Problem solved. Good day, sir."
"But what if there's som-"
"I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!"

Ultimately: It's nice to hear that someone loves your work, it really is - it really, really is - but banks and supermarkets really couldn't care less about stuff like that.

Seriously - ask them.

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I was recently on Facebook, and somebody (a certain legend who shall remain nameless because I don't want to overuse his name in this blog) mentioned the comic 'Greener Pastures', which is a classic tale about a country boy moving to the city. Also, the country boy is actually a Minotaur type of fellow - a human body with bull's head and all that.

It remains one of the few comics that I've ever read that are set in Australia. I'd forgotten all about it, and I started wishing I had followed it more. I started thinking: "Oh, I'll never be able to collect them all, there must be so many by now!" I commented on the thread/post, and was eventually able to contact the very polite and humble Tim McEwen, creator of the Greener Pastures series. It turns out that there aren't as many as I'd thought. At first, I was relieved. Then I was disappointed.

Then I was disappointed in myself., Oh Son, was I ever disappoint. (sic)

Maybe if I'd bought more, something more could have happened with it. Who knows who may have overseen me reading it, and become interested, and then later on been in a position to have turned it into a movie? It's not that crazy an idea - something similar must have happened at some stage with Footrot Flats. Blah blah blah, 'the butterfly effect', blah blah blah.

I told him how I felt, and what I'd taken away from the comic, what certain scenes meant to me, and how it had affected me when I was younger. He replied that he was happy that I had gained some insight into the world from his comics when I was younger, and thanked me very much for contacting him and letting him know, because that meant something to him.  I've since ordered the entire Greener Pastures series run from him. How could I not?

When you tell someone you like their work, it means something.

According to many film school students, *this* also means something.
But they can't agree on what, exactly.
So they don't get any pie.

Consider This: When you actually buy their work/service/product/whatever, that also means something.

Something different.

Maybe not something better as such, but certainly something that society seems to count as success.

In reality, you're always voting with your wallet, because it's impossible not to. To me, that's why piracy is ethically incorrect. Not because of 'The Law', which can go and take a large rusty (SECTION REMOVED BY ORDER OF THE COURT) until it prolapses, but because every single cent that you throw at an artist increases the amount of time that they can keep creating the work that you're enjoying.

(If you treat piracy as a try-before-you-buy type of deal, and then follow up on it - well, I can dig that.)

My point is that we live in a world where Megatron became Curious George - if Frank Welker had never been Megatron, then he probably wouldn't have been Curious George either. Perhaps. Maybe. Possibly.

Work with me here, dammit.

"I guess there really was 'More Than Meets The Eyes' to Megatron."

(cue canned laughter)

"Thanks folks, I'll be here all week."

By this same logic: It is my fault that David Quinn didn't get to voice Bane in the new Batman movie.

And I am very sorry for that -  because that WOULD HAVE BEEN F*CKING AWESOME.

Still...

At least we got to see him as Boba Fett - so to speak.

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(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Level 36 Bard who performs the voice of Liam 'Paddy' Padmore in all his public appearances. See him, know him, love him.)

*All images in this document were taken from Wikipedia, and all clips link to YouTube. The author of this blog blah blah blah legal stuff blah blah blah*

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The next batch of Who's Your Paddy blogs will feature a series of interviews with local artists/producers/etc. They will be asked 13 questions, in a marvellous word-orgy of knowledge, laughter, and (insert other enticing thing HERE) called 'Luck Of The Irish', because 'Paddy', dammit.

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#4: "To Boldly Go..."

"Stop playing those games, now." - NKTOB, 'Games'

(Hi, Leanne! :) )

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Picture it: The tavern is named "Ye Olde Coop's Brewery", and it is owned and run by a veteran Dwarf Axemaster known as 'Olde Coop' - hence the name of the place.  The atmosphere in the bar is warm and homely. There is a fire glowing in the hearth, and a large axe hangs over the bar. The blade of the axe seems to glow from within, as the light from the fire plays along its sharp edges.

A raspy, weather-worn voice, the dwarf known as Olde Coop himself clears his throat and addresses his patrons, his friends, and the many people who come somewhere in between:

"Greetin's, friends and travellers! Fancy a wee nip? Now - yer all here t' listen t' the Bard Paddy wax lyrical on the joys of life or some such philosophical musin's. Just remember, it's all about respect, fun and games."

Olde Coop's glance turns towards the large axe on the wall.

"But if yer here t' cause trouble - Well, then I'll just let me old mate 'Choppa' do the talking, I reckon. Now, ye can either stay, or ye can be gone - it's all the same t' me. Either way, I'm late for a gatherin' of Axe Users Anonymous. Stay well, all - and don't drink too much. Well, unless yer paying wi' cash, o' course!"

As Coop leaves his bar, his trusty bar workers take note of the jobs that still need to be done around the tavern. When the Bard begin talking, they stop and listen occasionally, but they have their jobs to do. Although many folks are still talking among themselves (which is normal for this sort of occasion), the Bard's voice can be clearly heard above all the rest.

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Howdy gang!

I would like to talk to you about something which affects us all.

(Also, pretend I did a huge build-up and stuff, would you? I really can't be bothered right now. You know the type: 'many people from all walks of life', 'from the gutters to the stars', 'deep down in our hearts' - you know, all that heart-wrenching stuff. Cool, thanks. Love your work.)

I would like to talk about teamwork.

We are all on a team called the human race, regardless of how vomit-inducingly corny that it sounds. We work in teams in our job(s), and often in our hobbies (especially sports and gaming). Nearly every single thing we want to achieve in our lives revolves around teamwork, because we need teamwork to achieve things that we can't achieve on our own. Anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship can attest to that. Either because it worked out for them, or because it didn't. Every single part of being in a relationship is related to team work. All the good stuff, and all the bad stuff.

I recently discovered (about 5 years late) the very awesome team-based zombie-shooter called "Left 4 Dead". Gone is the macho, one-man-army paradigm - it's all about the team! It got me thinking about Clans, which ultimately got me thinking about Guilds. Then I thought I'd write a blog. You know, because I could. And stuff.

As a wonderful side note, the very excellent Mike Patton (who you may have heard in Faith No More and then proceeded to have wished to have been impregnated by) is the voice of the Infected - the enemies in Left 4 Dead.

Now - I would like to tell you all a (very boring) secret: Though I am a huge MMO fan, I have never joined a guild in an MMO game in my life.

I predict that most folk either just said one of three things, which I would like to address:

If you said: "GOOD GOD! ARE YOU INSANE, MAN? WHAT STALE MADNESS IS THAT? THAT'S SUICIDE, THAT IS!" then this is for you:

You may already know where I'm going with this. Feel free to skip to the "The Leader's Paradox" section.

If you said: "So? Neither have I!" or "Who cares?" or any variant of it, then this is for you:

Good for you! Skip directly to the "The Leader's Paradox" as a reward for your independence.

Unless you actually said "Who cares?", in which case I must question why you are reading this, and I formally invite you to 'sally forth and engage in copulatory activities'.

(And slap me sideways if that isn't the best euphemism I'll ever come up with. Nope, I topped it immediately with 'slap me sideways'. Oh well.)

And finally, if you said: "What the hell are you talking about? MMO? Guild? Say what now?" then this section directly below is for you:

*** MMOS: In which the author explains MMOs, so that you don't have to.

Or something, or whatever. ***

Okay, MMO stands for Massively Multiplayer Online  - which actually explains everything about it, I think (apart from the fact it's a type of video game). There are many types of games which use this model, but people usually think of fantasy games like Guild Wars. Or - ugh - World Of Warcraft (you know the drill - it's like the Holden/Ford thing.). There are two types of teams in MMOs - PUGs (Pick-Up-Groups, in other words 'random people') and Guilds (permanent teams, like a sports team). In some games, being in a Guild can make a huge difference. I could spend ages talking about it. In fact, I obviously intend to. But here are the basics, for the moment.

• Guilds are formed by players, then other players join. They can team up for most of the game content, from Player Versus Player (PvP) to Player Versus Environment (PvE). Some players (like me) don't join a Guild.
• Guilds often have equivalents in other MMOs. In Star Trek Online (STO), there are not Guilds, but 'Fleets'. Anyone who's played a first-person shooter online (like Call Of Duty, or Counter-Strike) is aware of how 'Clans' work, which are very similar to Guilds. In fact, anyone who's seen any of the The Big Bang Theory episodes revolving around their 'Halo nights' would have a (very) basic idea of what's expected.
• Being in a Guild can have certain bonuses, which vary wildly from game to game. In Guild Wars (GW), you can have a private place which is appropriately titled a 'Guild Hall', to which only your Guild members have immediate access. In STO, there are Fleet-Specific combat maps, extra inventory/storage space and another costume slot. Both games though, for instance, allow access to a 'Guild Member Only' channel.
• Earlier, I compared Guilds to sports team. In much the same way as real-life sports teams, Guilds are all about branding. In most MMOs, you can pick not only a name, but also a guild symbol/motif. The sense of community that these small acts can convey is, frankly, astounding.
• Also similar to sports teams, there can be professional gamers. Still, even in the amateur community, the competition can still be pretty fierce. At some point, for many people, it soon becomes like a second job. Especially with some of the end-of-game content for some games - Raids are like an assault battle, often attacking other guilds. It is often treated just as seriously as you would take amateur sports. Cracked.com has a (very funny) list of the reasons why it's like a job, but the essence of it is that other people complicate the crap outta things, but we still need them to achieve things that we can't on our own.

Hey - there's our good friend again - the phrase: "to achieve things that we can't on our own."

And there you go - you're basically up to speed. There is other stuff (of course), but this is all that a non-MMO-gamer needs to know in order to understand the rest of this particular post/blog.

*** The Leader's Paradox: Because it sounds artsy and posh.***

Yeah, I've never joined a guild - but I've started quite a few. Let me back up a bit:

When I was younger and could just sit around playing video games, I did so - and with great fervour. Indeed, it was (insert long and boring story about being good at video games HERE, but without any of that 'before it was cool' hipster crap. Well, maybe just a little of it. Because Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and SNES, and mostly because Amiga 500, dammit. Hey, look - I fit my long and boring story in here after all!) and I haven't looked back since.

So, in my circle of friends (Yes, I have some - stop giggling) I am often the pathfinder, at least for PC games. You know - because they didn't waste their childhoods. My point is that it was a completely natural progression for me to start a guild. Guilds, even.

I started playing MMOs with Guild Wars. A real-life friend (see? - I told you I had some!) called Adam Johnson (Johnno) was also playing it, and we wanted some funky capes (all capes are funky - which should be the name of a Don Bluth movie if it isn't already) like everyone else had. So we asked around in the game, and we found out you simply had to be in a Guild. Okay, cool. How do we do that? So, we find out that you have to buy this item. It wasn't cheap in terms of the in-game currency, but at least it didn't cost us any actual cash (for which I will always love you, NCSoft/ArenaNet). So, we worked together and each threw in some gold and viola! - within a week of casual playing, 2 guild capes! With our own (picked from stock images in the game, not custom) designs on it, in colours we picked. Forever. AWESOME.

Now, what most folks do at that stage is go recruiting, and try to add members to their guild. I work the opposite way - with only one notable exception, I know every single person in my various guilds in real life. Being in a guild is, for a lot of players, another responsibility. Me, I'm all about 'this is a GAME - have fun!'. So I think that having me as a guild leader must be awesome, because I don't ask anyone to do anything, ever. Some folks wouldn't like that though - so they don't join my guild, they join other guilds. 

Which is fine by me. And them. Yay for Gamocracy!

(Also: Yay for making words up!)

But I need to put some info in here about Guild Recruitment and things like that, even though I've never done it myself. What to do, what to do...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 'Coop' of a Dwarven Axemaster from World Of Warcraft.

*** MY INTERVIEW WITH "COOP, UBER AXEMASTER" ***

Coop: Greetings, everyone.

Me: Okay Coop, so when did you first begi-

Coop: Hold up a moment there, Paddy...

Me: Yes, Coop?

Coop: I saw what you said about World Of Warcraft up there.

Me: Uh... (I wave my hand in front of his face) No, you didn't.

Coop: (clears his throat, then glares at me)

Me: (I wave my hand in front of his face again) Uh - You saw nothing.

Coop: Friend, you ain't a Jedi. Also, that's the wrong universe so it doesn't work on me. Just sayin'.
Me: (I shuffle uncomfortably as I notice how ridiculously sharp his axe is. Still, it's quite shiny and I like shiny things. It's all sparkly-glowy. It's neat. I dig it.)

Coop: Can we hurry this up? I've got a raid to get to, and I need to sort out my inventory before that.
Me: (I clear my throat) How long have you played World Of Warcraft for?
Coop: In the Dark ages of PC gaming (about 1994) there was an awesome game called Warcraft - Orcs vs Humans....World of Warcraft is the progress/evolution/mutant child of that....I have been playing World of Warcraft - 5 odd years...

Me: How long have you been in your Guild for?

Coop: An interesting question...Coop as Coop has been in 2 Guilds - Strength by Numbers (a casual raiding guild), and Make It So (Hardcore Raiding - with casual Aspects...)

Me: How did you join the guild?

Coop: There are a few ways to join a guild...The first is playing along and being helped or helping someone. If you have an uber awesome time someone usually says "Hey - you want to join my guild? We have chocolate" or some other miscellaneous item to lure the unwitting to the spiders den. Alternatively someone could remember how you saved their bacon - hmm bacon, and say "Hey that Coop, he can really swing an axe - let's invite him to our uber awesome fun" - I have even started a couple myself...

Me: In your own words, explain the recruitment process.

Coop: "Um I'm uber cool, have an axe, let's go kill stuff?" or for an official, yet made up on the spot guild advert "Guild Blah Blah is a social guild, looking to recruit like minded players of any level for random raids.".

Me: Are there any 'Rules of Conduct' in your guild?
Coop: At the basic level - its who ever sets the rules, and has the power to kick you out - as the guild gets larger/more organised rules associated with conduct and loot generally emerge.
Me: Can you give an example of when your guild had to deal with a 'problem member', and how they resolved the issue?
Coop:  See this Axe - just not for decoration. (Seriously, that's all he said. I was afraid to ask for any more information. Shoddy interviewing, I know - but dammit I LIKE my face as it is. It's the perfect face for radio, you see.)
Me: How many members are in your guild?
Coop: It's a trick question, because most rosters contain Alt[ernate] characters to pad the numbers. In saying that, a guild with, say, 40 regular members will have a listed membership of 150.
Me: How many of your guild members do you know in real life?
Coop: Probably 9 that I have communicated with out of game persona.

Me: So, Warcraft, eh?
Coop: (Coop glances at me sideways, somewhat suspiciously.) Warcraft.
Me: That's from Blizzard, isn't it?
Coop: Yeah, it is - and what of it?
Me: Is there a Secret Cow Level?
Coop: (Coop retrieves a whetstone from his satchel, and slowly drags it across his Axe blade. All while looking at directly at me.The thought springs from out of nowhere that I am at least 3 city blocks away from the closest possible fresh change of pants. When he jumps up from his seat without warning, I very nearly require the aforementioned pants.)
Coop: Right, I've had enough of you. I'm leaving. Good day.
Me: But we haven't fini-
Coop: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR! (storms off)
Me: Man, Dwarfs are grumpy.
Coop: (off in the distance) I HEARD THAT! And the correct plural is 'Dwarves' when in a fantasy setting, you ridiculous fool! (his voice fades off into incoherent mumbling, but if I heard what I think I did, then not ONLY was it the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me, I'm also certain that it's actually physical impossible. Unless I buy a goat. And that's not happening, because my favourite goat vendor is currently plum out of goats.).

Ah - you haven't lived until you've been insulted by a Dwarf, my friends. :)

***Epilogue***

So - here I am. My favourite MMO (Star Trek Online - STO, thanks for asking) has just updated to what they call 'Season 6: Under Siege'. As a short aside, I honestly think that Steven Seagal would make a kick-ass Klingon. And I know that you saw what I did there, but I'm certain that what I did last summer I can't be bothered actually writing the rest of this gag.

Ahem - Fleets. STO, my MMO of choice, has now introduced special Fleet content. Special ships, and combat maps, and quests, and presumably Fleet partridges-in-pear-trees and Fleet kitchen-sinks as well. So, I thought I'd make a Fleet.

I went to sign up. Guess what? You need 5 people in your current team in order to form a Fleet.

GOD.

DAMN.

IT.

I could ask my friends to join, but none of them like the game. Hey, what can I say: it's Free-To-Play - but it's not a game for everyone, it's true. I could always ask strangers in-game to join, but that feels icky. I could join a Fleet - a specific Fleet that I was actually invited to join recently. A Fleet that doesn't care if you're a master of the game, or if you only play once a month. A Fleet which has a polite and well-mannered leader who leaves you alone when you ask them to. A Fleet that invites you to game with them, and doesn't get upset because you had other stuff to do. A Fleet that totally understands that you might be called away to be a dad (or a mom) at any time, because it's full of different types of people who all work together to achieve a certain goal.

("...to achieve things that we can't on our own.")

That's what it seems like on the outside at least, judging from my interactions with them. Hell, maybe I should do it just to say I've done it once in my life, a bucket list type of deal. I can always leave if I don't like it, I suppose.

You know - reading back over on what I've typed there, it seems as though I've already made up my mind without realizing it. Paddy's going to join a Fleet!

Well gang, this is the perfect opportunity to use a classic Kirk quote, I think. No, not Kirk Cameron. SHEESH. The awesome William Shatner's Captain Kirk. Anyway, he's called a meeting of all his officers, and he's telling them about this opportunity that they have to find out a bunch of very useful stuff, but also that the knowledge can only come at great personal risk to their body and minds. 

At least I don't have to worry about my body from gaming and joining a fleet, I suppose. 

(Looks at gut) What? BEER did that! Beautiful, beautiful beer.

ANYWAY - Kirk then tells them that he won't order them to do it. If they want to do it, fine. If not, that's fine too. No incentive or punishment either way. And then he comes out with this simple line, which I will always hold dear because I am huge Star Trek geek in that way:

"Risk is our business! That's what this starship is all about - that's WHY we're ABOARD her!"

So, I'll see you all soon - I think it's time for me To Boldly Go where I haven't gone before.

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(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a bitch-ass punk nub who doesn't take lip from any griefers. He owes his steely resolve to time spent with his friend Coop The Dwarf AKA Dean Sparkes - who also wrote the brief intro story. Paddy would also like to thank Johnno for introducing him to MMO gaming, and he does so frequently. Seriously, dude - Johnno says he understands and that you are very welcome and would you please stop it now. He also says to stop typing stuff in and making it sound like it's actually coming from him when everyone knows that it's still Paddy typing this crap in here, in a futile attempt at meta-comedy. Cheers.)

#3 - Doctor Zoidberglove (Or "How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love My Anonymity.")

"That's what I'm talking about." - Dr Zoidberg, from the TV show 'Futurama'

Howdy, folks – Paddy here again. I hope you're all in fine health. :)

Today I'm going to use my powers for evil, and talk about wrestling.

I mean the Professional Wrestling (like the WWF), not Freestyle Wrestling (old-school Greek/Roman style.)

(And in case my buddy Krusty is reading: Detso Ritter's style is technically called 'Solo Freestyle'. You're welcome.)

I remember when I first started watching wrestling. I soon grew to love the whole vibe of it, the action figures, and - being an '80s male - the sheer macho cheesiness of it.

Now, for those of you who don't know anything about wrestling, let me explain a few things about it for you. Wrestling only really has 2 rules:

1) Don't leave the combat area or you forfeit the match.

2) To win, pin the back of your opponents (or opponents') shoulders to the ground while the referee counts to 3.

Rule 1 is often ignored for the sake of entertainment, and Rule 2 is the only thing held sacred in wrestling. When they want to show in a storyline that a referee is corrupt, they just get him to break Rule 2. I believe that Wrestlemania IV had an excellent example of this.

Apart from that, wrestling is basically the real-life version of superhero comics:

- There are Heroes and Villains

- There are bizarre costumes (often with masks)
- It's mostly an excuse to watch adults punch each other
- Most characters have a 'Motif'. Batman with his bats, Hillbilly Jim with his... uh... Hillbilliness? Hickitude? Redneckosity? Whatever, you get the idea.

Okay, so - we now have a very basic idea of the whole wrestling thing.

******************************************************************************

Now, have you ever seen a movie called 'The Princess Bride'?

If you haven't, then GO AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!

(No, I'm not joking. Yes, I'll wait. (2+ hours later) How'd you go? Yes, that WAS the guy out of 'Saw' when he was younger. Is that all you got from it? SHEESH.)

Anyway, Fezzik - the giant? He was a wrestler who went by the name of 'Andre The Giant', and he sadly passed away quite some time ago. He features as a 'misunderstood/manipulated monster' type of Villain in our story. And the Hero? Only HULK HOGAN.

(If you don't know who that is, he's like a white Mr T. And for those of you who don't know who that is, well - imagine that Hulk Hogan is like Chuck Norris's crazy uncle. And to everyone who already knew who he was, and just pictured Hulk Hogan as Chuck Norris's crazy uncle: "NOW YOU WILL NEVER UNSEE IT. You're welcome.")

Okay, so - the Hulk and Andre are squaring off in the wrestling ring - which is actually a square and not a ring at all (hence my puntastic opening to this current sentence). At one point, Andre has the Hulkster locked into a Full Nelson (which means that Hulk can't use his arms) and he starts pushing Hulk to the ground, so the ref can start counting down*. But Hulk struggles to get up, and he can't. Then he tries to get up again, but this time he's looking at the audience, trying to wave his hands to get them to make some noise. Eventually, the commentator ('Like' this post if you remember Mean Gene Okerland!) just says straight out over the loudspeaker: "Hulk Hogan is trying to get everybody to make some noise - maybe he is able to draw some type of strength from their cheers!"

The weird thing is, I can't remember what happens after that. You would think that that would be the important part. The payoff. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent sure that it even was Andre The Giant. I mean, in my head it is - but mainly I just wanted to plug 'The Princess Bride' because I think it's the second greatest movie ever made.

(I think that Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth' is the greatest movie ever made.)

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Anyway - here's what I do remember:

Dad: That's genius.

Me: What is?

Dad: That story there. He's getting the audience involved. That's great showmanship.

Me: Umm... It's not a story, Dad.

Dad. Yes it is, Boy.

(That was his nickname for me, you see - possibly because I was a young male human. But I digress.)

Me: But they didn't, like, just sit down and write these moves out and practise them.

Dad: ...

Me: Did they?

Dad: Let me put it like this, Boy - you need to understand that that stuff they're doing is really very dangerous. If they don't land right, or they punch someone in the wrong place, or whatever, then they could be in hospital for weeks. The stuff that those guys are doing is the same type of stuff that Olypmic Gymnasts get gold medals for. And fit? You'd need to be in damn good shape.

Me: I don't get it. Wouldn't their bosses find out, and fire them?

Dad: No, the bosses are in on it too. But it's not a big conspiracy or anything, though. Let me put it another way: wrestling isn't about fighting. It's about dancing in a way that looks really tough. It's about the show, not the battle. The battle IS the show. That's WHERE this type of wrestling came from - travelling carnivals, things like that.

Me: So, when a wrestler lifts another wrestler over his head before he bodyslams him, that's just an act? Like, a dancer lifting another dancer? They aren't two enemies, they're two friends?

Dad: Well, more like two guys who work together than 'friends', but yes.

Me: But doesn't that make it a lie?

Dad: Do you think a movie is a lie? Do you think Angus Young** walks around all day in a schoolboy outfit?

Me: No? Yes? No. That's a weird question, Dad. It's like a lie, but it's okay because it's one that we want to be told.

Dad: Same thing with wrestling, Boy.

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"Same thing with wrestling, Boy.", says Dad.

And in that moment, my view of the entire world changed.

Because it wasn't a lie, was it? It was a beautiful, beautiful truth. It didn't destroy the magic – it upgraded it.

In my young eyes, that statement instantly evolved wrestling from 'a childish and violent sport' into 'a majestic and wonderful kingdom of awesome combat gymnasts'. Like an entire industry of non-asiatic Jackie Chans, you might say. If you were awesome, like me. Which you are.

And that's what showbiz is all about - because that's what life is all about. Not so much a lie, but a mystery.

A large part of the human experience revolves around teaching and storytelling, for instance. The best lessons and stories– the ones we tend to remember the most – are the ones that make us curious. That sense of mystery doesn't just keep boredom at bay, but it also serves as a fantastic incentive for artists to create, and for consumers to buy.

*******************************************************************************

Do you know what the most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time currently is?

(No, it's not Game Of Thrones. That's the second most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time.)

You didn't need to know before I asked, did you?
And now you're (probably at least a little bit) curious.
How does that work? Why do you care now, but not before you read it?

Well, if I could work out the answer to that, I would just keep on doing it and start charging you money for it. Isn't that what storytelling - and by extension, entertainment - is all about?

Consider this: Justin Bieber is a storyteller. You may not like his stories, or the way he puts them across, but you can't deny that is what he is doing – communicating feelings and/or ideas through expressive vocalization – is a form of storytelling.

So why is it that he's famous and (insert your favourite artist HERE) isn't?

Because Mike Patton (if you picked another favourite artist then that's just plain wrong) doesn't have as many fans prepared to throw money at him as Bieber does. I'm sorry, but that's the actual answer. It always comes back to cash. Skill, talent, and dedication can only enter you in the lottery of success – they cannot help you rig it. Luck and charisma are probably more important than intelligence and endurance.

So, I guess it all boils down to a simple idea:

It is the fans that make you a celebrity - if you don't have fans, then you aren't a celebrity. They give you the amount of attention required for the glamour of celebrity, you might say (and indeed, I just did). The more fans you have, the more eyes are directed at you. And the more eyes are on you, the more chances you have to mess it all up. Once you have success, then maintaining the success itself becomes your actual job.

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So, there's the good news: It's not all bad at the bottom. There are huge benefits to your anonymity:

- You can make your art in the exact way that you want to – you don't have to think about sponsors, or agents, or even the public. You can afford to experiment, and to create your works at your own pace.

- When you make a mistake in life, it doesn't result in you being ridiculed throughout the entire world.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying jingle that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying pop song that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person with that retarded film clip on YouTube'.

So, I'd like to say something to everyone who has ever bared their soul to other humans in the name of art: if you ever felt unrecognised then please know that I wrote the ridiculously overworded text below for you.

*********************************************************************************

“To the starving artist who is worried she might be crazy,

- to the brooding songwriter who is is worried that he might be sane,
- to the probably-medically-insane sculptor who enjoys life to the fullest,
- to the rock musician who has a day job and still yearns for fame,
- to the ballerina who had to quit because her chest size was too large (seriously that's an actual thing, and no laughing matter in my eyes),
- to the footballer whose promising career was cut short due to injury,
- to the guy who is considered world-famous by his friends but doesn't see it because he always thinks bigger (and that's part of his charm),
- to the illiterate father making up bedtime stories based on the pictures in his kids books,
- to the young kid who breaks the 'magical stage barrier' and has the courage to perform in front of his school even though he is scared that he will be teased even if he gets everything right,
- to the performer who hates the stage or simply wants a night off but still find themselves on stage to help their friends out...

You people are my heroes. If you saw yourself there, know that I salute you. Not because you are 'about to rock' - but because you already do.

Because that's the price of being artistic - we can't all be celebrities.

The world doesn't work like that - if everyone was famous, there would be no celebrities.


But anonymity is not failure, and it is not a lack of power.

Only anonymity truly affords us the right to be ourselves and have complete and utter creative control over our works. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine that many celebrities would like the same amount of power over their work.

You already have that power - now go and use it. And do so with a wisdom beyond your years."

*********************************************************************************

(Also, imagine that I am wearing a monocle when I say the last two sentences. And that you are a superhero and/or private detective. NO - A WRESTLER! It's good fun.)

I've been Paddy, and I think that Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama summed it up best, so I'll let him close this entry for me:

Zoidberg: "That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty, because no one cares."

Fry: "We're not listening!"

Zoidberg: "That's what I'm talking about."

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Devonport-based Level 36 Bard, and he totally forgot to tell you that the dubious honour of being 'the most illegally downloaded TV show in the entire recorded history of humanity' belongs to 'Dexter'.)

* Due to the fact that he was behind Hulk, he couldn't have actually pinned the backs of his shoulders down for win. I don't know what he was going to do about that. Just sayin'.

** Angus Young is the lead guitarist from AC/DC, who usually wears a T-shirt and jeans when not on stage (judging from his various interviews). I pretty much listened to only AC/DC for the first few years after learning to play guitar. Dad knew exactly what he was doing when he used him as an example.

CREDITS:

Writing, remembering pants:

Me

Research Consultants

Peter Walker

Sonia Burgess

Social Commentary

Heather-Jo Cusack
Terri Ritchie,
Kylie Richardson-Rahman
Brent 'Krusty' Brooking
Andrew J Bartlett

#2 - *MUSIC AS MAGIC*

"It's a Kind Of Magic!" from It's a Kind Of Magic, by Queen.

How boring would our lives be without Magic?

Magic is something that everyone needs at some time or another in their lives.

Why?


 I will try to explain.

Magic is something that can either be fully explained or fully enjoyed - rarely can it be both. Magic is something that can enrich our lives, or cause us pain (especially if we don't understand why).

(Have you guessed yet?)

Being a Magician is a funny thing - the more you know, the more you need to hide from the audience. People do not want maths and explanations when they are simply there to see a show. Sure, some of us are curious about Magic and how it works - but a Magic show is probably not the place for that, unless the Magician is particularly entertaining or charismatic.

We don't need to know everything in life - to understand every single physical law that the universe has - in order to enjoy life. That is why Magic is so important -  usually the Magician(s) are often the only ones who are aware of how a performance is crafted (where their hands should be, what their voice should doing etc.), and so when other people witness it, it often looks (and often sounds) like Magic.

(What about now? Any closer?)

Magic, when it really touches us in our hearts and minds, can change the colour of our day - or even make pain more bearable. A child's world is full of Magic, the Natural world is full of Magic. We are surrounded by Magic. Every sound that has ever been made is (when you stop and think about it) Magic. How can it not be?

These things may all be explained by Science, but as humans we recognise when a certain  piece of Magic strikes a chord with us - when it resonates with us. We can explain all the reasons WHY we feel this way about it, right down to the chemicals and the science of it, but that doesn't explain why it feels like it does. Nothing can. And that is the secret of Magic. That is why we have (in the past) thrown money at Magicians whose work we like.

(Do you see what I'm doing here? Does the phrase 'piece of Magic' seem suspicious?)

Freddie Mercury was probably the greatest Magician of all time - he was a fantastic pianist and vocalist, and a wonderful songwriter to boot. Also, he was the consumate performer - perfect. His Magic is living on long after the man himself has passed. The Magic that he made is still impacting on our lives. Is that NOT immortality, my friends? That is some very intense Magic indeed.

We need Magic, because it represents (and is the focus of) 2 very important ideas in the human experience:

1. The idea that "not knowing the inner workings of something" isn't always bad. (Scientifically-minded people need to remember this)

2. That we aren't the only ones who feel like we feel. (Emotional people need to remember this)

Magic is a gift from the universe, which we can use to become better people - or even just to relieve stress in our lives.

(TIME'S UP! Pens down, the 'answer' is below)

Okay, most of us would have realised by now that I was using the word Magic when I obviously meant the word Music (feel free to read the above passage again with this in mind). Some people noticed because it was capitalized the whole time, which marked it as a literary concept. Others noticed because it didn't actually make much sense and assumed I was either an inexperienced writer or trying to make a point, and they were right on both counts. Others would have realised it straight away because of the name of the article. And so on.

And everybody realised at different points. The same piece, the same batch of words - read differently by everyone. A customised reading experience for every single reader.

And that's what Music is. THAT'S why it's magical.

And that's why it's important. It's why ALL art is important.

Because it is a socially acceptable buffer for every single different person, and their emotions - even the unreasonable ones. This is very good for society.
In a bad mood? Play loud music.
In a quiet mood? Play Trance.
Feel intellectual? Listen to whatever music it is that challenges you mentally.
Want to PARTY HARD? I humbly submit Andrew W K, the Internet God of Hard Partying for your audio perusal!

(Watch out for the part where he uses the word 'party'. It's a corker.)

WARNING: This song is way more catchy than it has any right to be

There is a piece of music out there for every possible human emotion. And as new emotions get invented ('90s angst, anyone?), so do new types of music (Grunge, anyone?) to reflect this.

And if you can't find music to express your emotions with, you can WRITE IT.

I mean, why do you think songs get written in the first place? Very rarely do people BEGIN songwriting purely for money.

Consider this: Once upon a time, 2 young chaps called John Lennon and Paul McCartney didn't know how to play instruments or write original songs. Then, one day (for whatever reason) they started doing it together. Add a drummer and another guitarist, fast forward, and then - BLAM! - you're The Beatles.

I'm not saying you'll be The Beatles, but I AM saying that anything that you write is just as valid as anything that The Beatles wrote.

Because in my opinion, it's all a kind of magic.

I've been Paddy, and this sentence is my obligatory Mike Patton reference for today.

(Liam "Paddy" Padmore is a Devonport-based musician, who has Magic [sic] of varying types available for free download @ www.soundcloud.com under the name "PadmoreMusic")