#5.5 "Black Sabbath, Bitches."

"Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free"*

*(free to marry anyone we want, anyone at all. Unless you're both gay, of course.)

(When I use the word Gay, I mean Gay/Lesbian. Because I think that usage of the word 'lesbian' is sexist. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I have the keyboard and a strong opinion.) 

"We've golden soil, and wealth for..." uh, whatever the words are. Sorry, I'm still caught up on the obvious lie in that first line.

In Tasmania at the moment, there is discussion about the legalisation of Same-Sex Marriages.

This raises 2 questions:

1) Isn't this already a thing? What the F*CK year IS this?

2) So, let me get this straight: You can't tell someone you won't hire them because they're gay, but you can tell someone you won't allow them to be married because they're gay? So how is that not the exact same type of discrimination, exactly?

Now, here's another question: What's worse than someone not listening when someone else is talking?

We voted for people like this, and we feed their kids.

Yay us, I guess.

Same-Sex Marriage will not destroy Traditional marriage. How can it? It's based on it. You may be thinking of Zombies, perhaps. They would do that. Or maybe Vampires. You DO know that gays are just other people - nothing more and nothing less, right? Not monsters? Not aliens? Not 'okay to be told who to marry and who not to'? Because 'discrimination'?

Not pictured above: Gays.

And even if you're the type of person who believes that people are gay by choice: Why deny people the life that they want, solely on grounds of tradition? Who is anyone to tell anyone else how to live, beyond matters of safety?

This vote - this entire issue - is only being presented to us as Same-Sex Marriage. It's all of that and a bag of spuds, sure - but it's so, so, SO much more.

This is about one part of the government saying "We need to represent the people, because that's our job.", who are fighting the other part of the government, who are saying "Whatever. We still get paid. Also, The Bible."

Not pictured above: A gay dude.

Shouldn't all taxpayers have the same rights, whether they're into chicks or dicks?

(My thanks to Brady for that charming phrase)

Police don't get to make laws, willy-nilly. I'm inclined to say that the laws would make a lot more sense, and be a lot more practical if they could.

The Police are only there to do one job - enforce the policies which were created by people who wear suits and have no idea what our lives are actually like. People who make these policies are called Politicians. Unsurprisingly.

It's like there's some type of correlation between the words 'Police' and 'Policy' and 'Politician' somewhere. Quick, someone call Michael Moore! There's, like, a conspiracy and stuff or not or whatever.

"Hmmm - the only mystery I can see is the fact that you think that's interesting, Paddy.
Also, why haven't you used a picture of a Vampire, yet? Oh, right - of course. "

It is up to the Government to make HUMANE policies, so that the poor old Police aren't in the unenviable position of enforcing INHUMANE policies. Because they will, if they need to.

For instance, Cannabis - which has never killed anyone - is still illegal, while Alcohol and Cigarettes - which both actually kill people with alarming regularity - are completely legal.

And this makes sense HOW, exactly? SERIOUSLY?

And the cops enforce this anti-social law, because that's their job. Because they love their families and don't want them to starve. The cops are just as bound by the law as the rest of us, if not more so. But I get to sit back and comment on it - they're the ones who risk their safety for the order that I so hate because it cramps the living daylights out of my style and busts up my groove to such a highly tuned degree as to make me think that the world is a giant mousetrap designed to break me for THE MATRIX or some shit like that.

NO! You can't make me! You're not my real mother!
Mmmm.... Steak. Yummy.
What was I saying?

WELL, IT DOES.

I don't see many politicians risking their career for the same idea of order, let alone their lives. If cops are like soldiers (and they are, bless 'em), then many politicians are like war pigs ("Why don't they go out to fight? They leave that up to the poor.").

The reason that this Same-Sex Marriage issue matters so much is because it could clear the path for policies that create understanding and compassion, and actual social cohesion - instead of the usual financially and/or religiously inspired fear.

It matters because they're listening to us - the PEOPLE - and actually doing their JOB (some of them at least), instead of getting all their info from a 2,000 year old handbook written for a male-oriented Middle-Eastern Farming/Fishing community, which was allegedly ghost-written by an invisible magical sky wizard who looks like Kenny Rogers.

"Lo, and verily - upon the seventh day did the gambler he break even."

Or some bribery. ALWAYS with the bribery. Oh, sorry - I meant 'Lobbying'. Because that's sooo totally different from bribing. It's, like, spelt and pronounced completely differently and everything. Totally different. Not even remotely like legal bribery or anything.

It matters because it shows us that not all politicians are in it for themselves - or that if they are, that they will still stick their neck out for our beliefs. Or that some of them are even still human. Even if you don't agree with their actions, you MUST respect their courage. They're showing us that not all politicians are war pigs. That matters. Because it gives us faith in the system - the one that Kafka described so well.

(Just for the record, when I say 'us' there, I mean 'you' - I'm having trouble seeing any good in the system that isn't immediately shat upon by something else in the system. But that's my issue.)

But ring-a-ding-ding, here's the thing:

Do you know why the government always give us shitty laws and rules, that don't actually represent our needs or desires? Because we let them.

No, I'm not talking about a riot. Are you insane? Good God, man/woman! This isn't the '70s anymore!

You can tell it's not the '70s, because all the music sucks ass now.

Niki Minaj: Role model for young children, possible candidate for new Bob Jane T-Mart ad campaign.

This Same-Sex Marriage vote matters, because we have had a say in 'HOW HIGH' they expect us to jump. In what they will consider 'HUMANE'. In how mature we are, as a society. But we have to tell them, because they're NOT mind readers.

So: "What's worse than someone not listening when someone else is talking?"

Someone not talking when someone else is listening.

I just wrote a damn blog and shared the f*ck out of it - what have you done to make your voice heard lately?

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is as straight as f*ck, but many of his favourite people aren't.)

#5 - Highlander and Spongebob: So to speak

So, we (probably) all know that Bart Simpson is voiced by a lady. A (presumably) nice lady called Nancy Cartwright.

But tell me, my friends - What's the link between Highlander and Spongebob?

Don't give me that 'Which Higlander?' malarky. As far as I'm concerned, MacLeod was correct - there really WAS 'only one'.

Clancy Brown as The Kurgan

Anyway, the answer is: This guy - this guy right here. He's also Mr Eugene H Krabbs.

Clancy Brown as Mr Krabbs.
(Makeup is truly awesome nowadays.)

The Kurgan is Mr Krabbs.

Weird, huh?

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When I was younger, I played a game on PC called 'Baldur's Gate II'. It was the first time I'd ever encountered the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons system, and I got right into it. Long story short, you travelled around the world slaying stuff and talking to bizarre characters who would sometimes join you, the player. Eventually Bioware (this is back when they made actual games instead of fancy slideshows with crappy endings) released an expansion for the game, called 'Throne of Bhaal'.

In 'Throne of Bhaal', you find out that one of your previous enemies named Sarevok is actually your half-brother, who then joins your party. He's a complete hardass. And it felt like it, too. See, it was voice acted by some awesome talent (more on that later) and they would all say things based on whatever was happening to your party at the time.

Sarevok = hardass brother from hell, literally. 

For example: When a character in your party is hit by an attack, they might make an 'Ugh!' or 'Oof!'noise. If they were low on health, they would say things like "I could really use some help over here!", or "I require your assistance.". Which is kind of funny, because they've accidentally also said 'I require your ass'. Anyway, my favourite part is how they communicated the general personality of each character by the thing they said when you click-on/select each of them. The bard would say something like 'How may I assist you, my pretty little raven-dove?' (because Bards are overly wordy wankers. Yes, I'm a Lvl 36 bard. Shut up.), the low-confidence magic-user would say something like 'I just KNOW I can help!', and the crazy ranger would say "Butt kicking, for goodness!". When your character dies, they yell a loud and painful yell.

I'm sure you can imagine the type.

And you'll need to, because I can't find any good links for any of this stuff.

"GO FOR THE EYES, BOO - GO FOR THE EYES! (Squeeeeaaak!)"- yelled by Minsc (and Boo).
Actual in-game quote. AWESOME.

But not Sarevok. Oh, no - never Sarevok. When he gets hit, he LAUGHS. He literally laughs. Because 'as if you could defeat me!'. When he is about to die from his wounds, he yells "HEAL MY WOUNDS NOW!", and when he dies he says through gritted teeth "NO! I - REFUSE!"

"Gritted teeth? Why would a voice actor grit his teeth? He's not an actor, nobody is looking at him." thought a younger Paddy. "I see now - because he is voice ACTING. It's not just turning up and saying some stuff. It's getting into the role, and preparing, and all that stuff. But no-one sees your face."

Whoever that voice actor was, I liked his work. So, I checked the game manual for the voice acting credits. And it wasn't there. That moment right there, I vowed to find out his name. But this was (just) before the internet allowed us to research things of that nature, so all I could think to do was keep an ear out for the rest of my life (I'm not real smart and stuff).

Fast Forward to The Matrix. There was an animated DVD release called The Animatrix, and it featured a selection of 9 different stories which took place in The Matrix universe. One of them was called 'Final Flight Of The Osiris', which was (unsurprisingly) about the last voyage of an airship called 'The Osiris'- and I knew I'd heard the voice of the captain before.

It was that guy, the one who played Sarevok.

I think that might be the only time that anyone has ever stopped the feature just so they could look at the credits.

I found out his name is Kevin Michael Richardson, and here's a clip of his work on Final Flight Of The Osiris (assuming it doesn't get taken down):

Final Flight Of The Osiris trailer on YouTube

(Skip ahead to 3:30 if you wish to go directly to the Osiris part to hear his voice)

And he looks like this:

 Kevin Michael Richardson, who is unbelievably not related to Craig Charles.
(thanks to Johnno for that gag)

As he should.

Fast Forward again, to when The Cleveland Show first came out. This Family Guy spin-off show features a whole cast of characters, and I was curious as to who voices Cleveland. Cleveland is a (usually) softly-spoken black man who has a very slight southern accent (and an annoying son).

Here's the trailer for the first season for those who haven't seen the show, so you can hear his voice:

The Cleveland Show Season 1 trailer

(Did you recognise the voice of Seth Green? He plays Chris, the son from Family Guy.)

Here's a picture of the guy who plays Cleveland Brown, who surprised the hell out of me by looking nothing like I thought he would:

Mike Henry, the voice of Cleveland Brown.
Also: WTF, Universe?

Did you know that Kanye West was on The Cleveland Show, as a character called 'Kenny West'? Check this out or not or whatever:

Kenny West and Cleveland Brown Jr - Mic Battle

So, you (most likely) know what Kanye looks like. I'd like you to, in your head, imagine the face of the person who voices Cleveland Jr. What does he look like, do you think?

Now watch this clip about the recording of the above Mic Battle:

Cleveland Brown Mic Battle: Behind The Scenes

If the guy who voices Cleveland Jr looks familiar, it's because you were just looking at a picture of him: it's Kevin Michael Richardson.

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Most people have 'favourite actors'. I have 'favourite voice actors, and also Tim Curry' instead, because I think it would have a higher degree of difficulty and that voice actors don't get anywhere enough credit. Literally. Like in the game manual for Baldur's Gate II, which I mentioned earlier. Also, because I have minor hipster tendencies. But mainly the credit-where-it's-due thing.

(If you know actors well enough to know that Tim Curry does plenty of voice-work, and want to share that with me because you're a pedant, then please punch yourself in the face instead. Because STYLE, bitch.)

Here is some pretty bizarre voice actor trivia from the two main voice actors from Curious George, which may or may not actually align properly.  I even added bullet points because I love you:

Curious George Voice Actor List Of Surprisingness
Actor	Character	Also known as the voice of:	From:
Frank Welker	Curious George	Megatron / Soundwave Brain / Dr Claw Abu Nibbler	Original Transformers series Original Inspector Gadget series Disney's Aladdin Futurama
Jeff Bennet	Man In The Yellow Hat	Dr Steinman Kyle Katarn Johnny Bravo	Bioshock Jedi Knight games Johnny Bravo, animated series

FUN FACT: Flea, the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers voices the jungle boy 'Donnie', in the Wild Thornberries.

Here are some voice actors from BGII that you might know from their other works, in no particular order. This isn't about how awesome BGII is ('very' - thanks for asking), but about reading the lists below and saying "Hey, I didn't know that Ghostface was Mojo Jojo!" or "Wow - a Jem And The Holograms reference!" or not or whatever. I only add the BGII references as a framing device for the list - if you haven't played the game, the list should still make sense.

Baldur's Gate II Voice Actor List Of Awesomeness:
BGII NPC	Actor	Also known as the voice of	From
Aerie	Kath Soucie	Cubert Farnsworth Kanga Phil and Lil Minx	Futurama Winnie The Pooh Rugrats Jem and the Holograms
Keldorn	Roger L Jackson	Ghostface (Voice) Mojo Jojo Abraham Lincoln	Scream PowerPuff Girls Sam and Max
Anomen	Rob Paulson	Pinky Boober Fraggle / Sprocket / Marjory the Trash Heap Spike	Pinky And The Brain Fraggle Rock The Land Before Time
Yoshimo	Maurice LaMarche	Brain Kif Kroker / Lrrr / Morbo (and others) Vekk Mr Freeze	Pinky And The Brain Futurama Guild Wars: Eye of the North Batman: Arkham City
Mazzy	Jennifer Hale	Female Commander Shepard Samus Aran Jean Grey	Mass Effect games Metroid Prime games Wolverine and the X-Men
Viconia / Nalia	Grey DeLisle	Mandy Azula Jeanette / Therese Ms Marvel / The Enchantress Catwoman Kahlee Sanders /Dalatrass Linron Female Wizard (Player)	Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy Avatar: The Last Airbender) Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines Marvel Super Hero Squad Batman: Arkham City Mass Effect 3 Diablo III
Minsc	Jim Cummings	Winnine The Pooh (and Tigger too!) Captain Mathias Thanos	Winnie The Pooh Dead Space: Downfall Marvel Super Hero Squad

That's right, folks: Winnie The Pooh is The Avatar Of Death. Try not to think about that when you go to sleep. Ever. You're welcome.

FUN FACT: Mike Patton, solo artist and vocalist from Faith No More, Tomahawk, and Mr Bungle (and the list goes on - oh, boy does it go on) was the voice of the zombies from the Will Smith film 'I Am Legend', and also from the game "Left 4 Dead". He was also the 'voice' of The Darkness from the game of the same name.

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But my current favourite voice actor of all time (I got that from 'Tautologies R Us', thanks) can't be found on Wikipedia, or IMBD. Indeed his internet prescence is much smaller than his works would suggest. Some have said the same about me, but they're wrong because I currently have the keyboard. Oh, and a Soundcloud account. And clips on YouTube (kind of). Where's YOURS? Also: HA-HA! Unless you have them, in which case I say: "You are already a success in my eyes, which are a very handsome shade of brown. Oh, so very very handsome."

In any case, observe this little comedy gem about what Boba Fett might get up to in his spare time (you might need to press play on the screen/link/etc.):

In A Neighbourhood Not So Far Away...

Watch the credits for the 'hey broo, git in tha kitchen and cook me sem iggs' bit, and see his awesome face.

(Also, you can thank Joffre Street Productions for that fantastic little skit by hiring them to record stuff for you.)

So what if I already knew David 'Q-Dog' Quinn? So what if I call him Quinnie instead of (the equally awesome moniker of) 'Q-Dog'? So what if we were already pals?

Should I not enjoy his work merely because I know him? How does that even make sense?

And yet that's how it works, isn't it?

We friend-zone artists all the time.

Even when we already know them.

In fact, I'd even go as far as to say: Especially when we already know them.

"Dammit, that is NOT what I meant by Friend Zone, and you know it."
FUN FACT: This is the first picture on this blog that doesn't feature a bald dude in it. Seriously.

You would think that familiarity bred support and word-of-mouth, but no - it does indeed breed contempt.  Well, maybe not contempt - but definitely indifference. Even in other artist friends. Indeed, what you've just witnessed is me realising/admitting that I friend-zone my artist friends, and my discomfort at the knowledge.

(Dammit, didn't I already cover this in another blog? How deep does my well of talent-blindness go, anyway? BAH!)

When we friend-zone artists, 2 things happen (he said, wanting to sound smart but just coming off as preachy):

1) We miss out on their works.
2) They miss out on revenue.

Even if you only care about one of those things, you can surely see that they are both connected.

I haven't followed Quinnie's career as closely as I might have, but I recently interviewed him (more on this after the blog, stick around - there's cake. I PROMISE.) and was frankly astounded at the amount of his work that I've missed out on so far. Many of those involve stage acting - and I can never see them now because I've missed out on my chance.

Some might say: "You're jumping on a bandwagon, Paddy". Well, to those people I say "If I intend to be a paying customer, then I'm pretty sure the ticket master (or whatever bandwagons have, or however the hell this analogy is supposed to work) will happily accept my money, friend or not. Also, your clothes are stupid. And your face. Your ridiculous ridiculous face, you goofy-looking bastard you.".

"But what should I use a picture of?"
"Anything at all - it doesn't matter. You just need to break the words up."
"Okay, so what about the caption?"
"Just use anything, it doesn't matter."
"Anything?"
"ANYTHING."
"Ummm... Like, this conversation?"
"No, not like this conv- actually, you know what? YES. Use this conversation. Problem solved. Good day, sir."
"But what if there's som-"
"I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!"

Ultimately: It's nice to hear that someone loves your work, it really is - it really, really is - but banks and supermarkets really couldn't care less about stuff like that.

Seriously - ask them.

*********************************************************************************

I was recently on Facebook, and somebody (a certain legend who shall remain nameless because I don't want to overuse his name in this blog) mentioned the comic 'Greener Pastures', which is a classic tale about a country boy moving to the city. Also, the country boy is actually a Minotaur type of fellow - a human body with bull's head and all that.

It remains one of the few comics that I've ever read that are set in Australia. I'd forgotten all about it, and I started wishing I had followed it more. I started thinking: "Oh, I'll never be able to collect them all, there must be so many by now!" I commented on the thread/post, and was eventually able to contact the very polite and humble Tim McEwen, creator of the Greener Pastures series. It turns out that there aren't as many as I'd thought. At first, I was relieved. Then I was disappointed.

Then I was disappointed in myself., Oh Son, was I ever disappoint. (sic)

Maybe if I'd bought more, something more could have happened with it. Who knows who may have overseen me reading it, and become interested, and then later on been in a position to have turned it into a movie? It's not that crazy an idea - something similar must have happened at some stage with Footrot Flats. Blah blah blah, 'the butterfly effect', blah blah blah.

I told him how I felt, and what I'd taken away from the comic, what certain scenes meant to me, and how it had affected me when I was younger. He replied that he was happy that I had gained some insight into the world from his comics when I was younger, and thanked me very much for contacting him and letting him know, because that meant something to him.  I've since ordered the entire Greener Pastures series run from him. How could I not?

When you tell someone you like their work, it means something.

According to many film school students, *this* also means something.
But they can't agree on what, exactly.
So they don't get any pie.

Consider This: When you actually buy their work/service/product/whatever, that also means something.

Something different.

Maybe not something better as such, but certainly something that society seems to count as success.

In reality, you're always voting with your wallet, because it's impossible not to. To me, that's why piracy is ethically incorrect. Not because of 'The Law', which can go and take a large rusty (SECTION REMOVED BY ORDER OF THE COURT) until it prolapses, but because every single cent that you throw at an artist increases the amount of time that they can keep creating the work that you're enjoying.

(If you treat piracy as a try-before-you-buy type of deal, and then follow up on it - well, I can dig that.)

My point is that we live in a world where Megatron became Curious George - if Frank Welker had never been Megatron, then he probably wouldn't have been Curious George either. Perhaps. Maybe. Possibly.

Work with me here, dammit.

"I guess there really was 'More Than Meets The Eyes' to Megatron."

(cue canned laughter)

"Thanks folks, I'll be here all week."

By this same logic: It is my fault that David Quinn didn't get to voice Bane in the new Batman movie.

And I am very sorry for that -  because that WOULD HAVE BEEN F*CKING AWESOME.

Still...

At least we got to see him as Boba Fett - so to speak.

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(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Level 36 Bard who performs the voice of Liam 'Paddy' Padmore in all his public appearances. See him, know him, love him.)

*All images in this document were taken from Wikipedia, and all clips link to YouTube. The author of this blog blah blah blah legal stuff blah blah blah*

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The next batch of Who's Your Paddy blogs will feature a series of interviews with local artists/producers/etc. They will be asked 13 questions, in a marvellous word-orgy of knowledge, laughter, and (insert other enticing thing HERE) called 'Luck Of The Irish', because 'Paddy', dammit.

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#4: "To Boldly Go..."

"Stop playing those games, now." - NKTOB, 'Games'

(Hi, Leanne! :) )

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Picture it: The tavern is named "Ye Olde Coop's Brewery", and it is owned and run by a veteran Dwarf Axemaster known as 'Olde Coop' - hence the name of the place.  The atmosphere in the bar is warm and homely. There is a fire glowing in the hearth, and a large axe hangs over the bar. The blade of the axe seems to glow from within, as the light from the fire plays along its sharp edges.

A raspy, weather-worn voice, the dwarf known as Olde Coop himself clears his throat and addresses his patrons, his friends, and the many people who come somewhere in between:

"Greetin's, friends and travellers! Fancy a wee nip? Now - yer all here t' listen t' the Bard Paddy wax lyrical on the joys of life or some such philosophical musin's. Just remember, it's all about respect, fun and games."

Olde Coop's glance turns towards the large axe on the wall.

"But if yer here t' cause trouble - Well, then I'll just let me old mate 'Choppa' do the talking, I reckon. Now, ye can either stay, or ye can be gone - it's all the same t' me. Either way, I'm late for a gatherin' of Axe Users Anonymous. Stay well, all - and don't drink too much. Well, unless yer paying wi' cash, o' course!"

As Coop leaves his bar, his trusty bar workers take note of the jobs that still need to be done around the tavern. When the Bard begin talking, they stop and listen occasionally, but they have their jobs to do. Although many folks are still talking among themselves (which is normal for this sort of occasion), the Bard's voice can be clearly heard above all the rest.

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Howdy gang!

I would like to talk to you about something which affects us all.

(Also, pretend I did a huge build-up and stuff, would you? I really can't be bothered right now. You know the type: 'many people from all walks of life', 'from the gutters to the stars', 'deep down in our hearts' - you know, all that heart-wrenching stuff. Cool, thanks. Love your work.)

I would like to talk about teamwork.

We are all on a team called the human race, regardless of how vomit-inducingly corny that it sounds. We work in teams in our job(s), and often in our hobbies (especially sports and gaming). Nearly every single thing we want to achieve in our lives revolves around teamwork, because we need teamwork to achieve things that we can't achieve on our own. Anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship can attest to that. Either because it worked out for them, or because it didn't. Every single part of being in a relationship is related to team work. All the good stuff, and all the bad stuff.

I recently discovered (about 5 years late) the very awesome team-based zombie-shooter called "Left 4 Dead". Gone is the macho, one-man-army paradigm - it's all about the team! It got me thinking about Clans, which ultimately got me thinking about Guilds. Then I thought I'd write a blog. You know, because I could. And stuff.

As a wonderful side note, the very excellent Mike Patton (who you may have heard in Faith No More and then proceeded to have wished to have been impregnated by) is the voice of the Infected - the enemies in Left 4 Dead.

Now - I would like to tell you all a (very boring) secret: Though I am a huge MMO fan, I have never joined a guild in an MMO game in my life.

I predict that most folk either just said one of three things, which I would like to address:

If you said: "GOOD GOD! ARE YOU INSANE, MAN? WHAT STALE MADNESS IS THAT? THAT'S SUICIDE, THAT IS!" then this is for you:

You may already know where I'm going with this. Feel free to skip to the "The Leader's Paradox" section.

If you said: "So? Neither have I!" or "Who cares?" or any variant of it, then this is for you:

Good for you! Skip directly to the "The Leader's Paradox" as a reward for your independence.

Unless you actually said "Who cares?", in which case I must question why you are reading this, and I formally invite you to 'sally forth and engage in copulatory activities'.

(And slap me sideways if that isn't the best euphemism I'll ever come up with. Nope, I topped it immediately with 'slap me sideways'. Oh well.)

And finally, if you said: "What the hell are you talking about? MMO? Guild? Say what now?" then this section directly below is for you:

*** MMOS: In which the author explains MMOs, so that you don't have to.

Or something, or whatever. ***

Okay, MMO stands for Massively Multiplayer Online  - which actually explains everything about it, I think (apart from the fact it's a type of video game). There are many types of games which use this model, but people usually think of fantasy games like Guild Wars. Or - ugh - World Of Warcraft (you know the drill - it's like the Holden/Ford thing.). There are two types of teams in MMOs - PUGs (Pick-Up-Groups, in other words 'random people') and Guilds (permanent teams, like a sports team). In some games, being in a Guild can make a huge difference. I could spend ages talking about it. In fact, I obviously intend to. But here are the basics, for the moment.

• Guilds are formed by players, then other players join. They can team up for most of the game content, from Player Versus Player (PvP) to Player Versus Environment (PvE). Some players (like me) don't join a Guild.
• Guilds often have equivalents in other MMOs. In Star Trek Online (STO), there are not Guilds, but 'Fleets'. Anyone who's played a first-person shooter online (like Call Of Duty, or Counter-Strike) is aware of how 'Clans' work, which are very similar to Guilds. In fact, anyone who's seen any of the The Big Bang Theory episodes revolving around their 'Halo nights' would have a (very) basic idea of what's expected.
• Being in a Guild can have certain bonuses, which vary wildly from game to game. In Guild Wars (GW), you can have a private place which is appropriately titled a 'Guild Hall', to which only your Guild members have immediate access. In STO, there are Fleet-Specific combat maps, extra inventory/storage space and another costume slot. Both games though, for instance, allow access to a 'Guild Member Only' channel.
• Earlier, I compared Guilds to sports team. In much the same way as real-life sports teams, Guilds are all about branding. In most MMOs, you can pick not only a name, but also a guild symbol/motif. The sense of community that these small acts can convey is, frankly, astounding.
• Also similar to sports teams, there can be professional gamers. Still, even in the amateur community, the competition can still be pretty fierce. At some point, for many people, it soon becomes like a second job. Especially with some of the end-of-game content for some games - Raids are like an assault battle, often attacking other guilds. It is often treated just as seriously as you would take amateur sports. Cracked.com has a (very funny) list of the reasons why it's like a job, but the essence of it is that other people complicate the crap outta things, but we still need them to achieve things that we can't on our own.

Hey - there's our good friend again - the phrase: "to achieve things that we can't on our own."

And there you go - you're basically up to speed. There is other stuff (of course), but this is all that a non-MMO-gamer needs to know in order to understand the rest of this particular post/blog.

*** The Leader's Paradox: Because it sounds artsy and posh.***

Yeah, I've never joined a guild - but I've started quite a few. Let me back up a bit:

When I was younger and could just sit around playing video games, I did so - and with great fervour. Indeed, it was (insert long and boring story about being good at video games HERE, but without any of that 'before it was cool' hipster crap. Well, maybe just a little of it. Because Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and SNES, and mostly because Amiga 500, dammit. Hey, look - I fit my long and boring story in here after all!) and I haven't looked back since.

So, in my circle of friends (Yes, I have some - stop giggling) I am often the pathfinder, at least for PC games. You know - because they didn't waste their childhoods. My point is that it was a completely natural progression for me to start a guild. Guilds, even.

I started playing MMOs with Guild Wars. A real-life friend (see? - I told you I had some!) called Adam Johnson (Johnno) was also playing it, and we wanted some funky capes (all capes are funky - which should be the name of a Don Bluth movie if it isn't already) like everyone else had. So we asked around in the game, and we found out you simply had to be in a Guild. Okay, cool. How do we do that? So, we find out that you have to buy this item. It wasn't cheap in terms of the in-game currency, but at least it didn't cost us any actual cash (for which I will always love you, NCSoft/ArenaNet). So, we worked together and each threw in some gold and viola! - within a week of casual playing, 2 guild capes! With our own (picked from stock images in the game, not custom) designs on it, in colours we picked. Forever. AWESOME.

Now, what most folks do at that stage is go recruiting, and try to add members to their guild. I work the opposite way - with only one notable exception, I know every single person in my various guilds in real life. Being in a guild is, for a lot of players, another responsibility. Me, I'm all about 'this is a GAME - have fun!'. So I think that having me as a guild leader must be awesome, because I don't ask anyone to do anything, ever. Some folks wouldn't like that though - so they don't join my guild, they join other guilds. 

Which is fine by me. And them. Yay for Gamocracy!

(Also: Yay for making words up!)

But I need to put some info in here about Guild Recruitment and things like that, even though I've never done it myself. What to do, what to do...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 'Coop' of a Dwarven Axemaster from World Of Warcraft.

*** MY INTERVIEW WITH "COOP, UBER AXEMASTER" ***

Coop: Greetings, everyone.

Me: Okay Coop, so when did you first begi-

Coop: Hold up a moment there, Paddy...

Me: Yes, Coop?

Coop: I saw what you said about World Of Warcraft up there.

Me: Uh... (I wave my hand in front of his face) No, you didn't.

Coop: (clears his throat, then glares at me)

Me: (I wave my hand in front of his face again) Uh - You saw nothing.

Coop: Friend, you ain't a Jedi. Also, that's the wrong universe so it doesn't work on me. Just sayin'.
Me: (I shuffle uncomfortably as I notice how ridiculously sharp his axe is. Still, it's quite shiny and I like shiny things. It's all sparkly-glowy. It's neat. I dig it.)

Coop: Can we hurry this up? I've got a raid to get to, and I need to sort out my inventory before that.
Me: (I clear my throat) How long have you played World Of Warcraft for?
Coop: In the Dark ages of PC gaming (about 1994) there was an awesome game called Warcraft - Orcs vs Humans....World of Warcraft is the progress/evolution/mutant child of that....I have been playing World of Warcraft - 5 odd years...

Me: How long have you been in your Guild for?

Coop: An interesting question...Coop as Coop has been in 2 Guilds - Strength by Numbers (a casual raiding guild), and Make It So (Hardcore Raiding - with casual Aspects...)

Me: How did you join the guild?

Coop: There are a few ways to join a guild...The first is playing along and being helped or helping someone. If you have an uber awesome time someone usually says "Hey - you want to join my guild? We have chocolate" or some other miscellaneous item to lure the unwitting to the spiders den. Alternatively someone could remember how you saved their bacon - hmm bacon, and say "Hey that Coop, he can really swing an axe - let's invite him to our uber awesome fun" - I have even started a couple myself...

Me: In your own words, explain the recruitment process.

Coop: "Um I'm uber cool, have an axe, let's go kill stuff?" or for an official, yet made up on the spot guild advert "Guild Blah Blah is a social guild, looking to recruit like minded players of any level for random raids.".

Me: Are there any 'Rules of Conduct' in your guild?
Coop: At the basic level - its who ever sets the rules, and has the power to kick you out - as the guild gets larger/more organised rules associated with conduct and loot generally emerge.
Me: Can you give an example of when your guild had to deal with a 'problem member', and how they resolved the issue?
Coop:  See this Axe - just not for decoration. (Seriously, that's all he said. I was afraid to ask for any more information. Shoddy interviewing, I know - but dammit I LIKE my face as it is. It's the perfect face for radio, you see.)
Me: How many members are in your guild?
Coop: It's a trick question, because most rosters contain Alt[ernate] characters to pad the numbers. In saying that, a guild with, say, 40 regular members will have a listed membership of 150.
Me: How many of your guild members do you know in real life?
Coop: Probably 9 that I have communicated with out of game persona.

Me: So, Warcraft, eh?
Coop: (Coop glances at me sideways, somewhat suspiciously.) Warcraft.
Me: That's from Blizzard, isn't it?
Coop: Yeah, it is - and what of it?
Me: Is there a Secret Cow Level?
Coop: (Coop retrieves a whetstone from his satchel, and slowly drags it across his Axe blade. All while looking at directly at me.The thought springs from out of nowhere that I am at least 3 city blocks away from the closest possible fresh change of pants. When he jumps up from his seat without warning, I very nearly require the aforementioned pants.)
Coop: Right, I've had enough of you. I'm leaving. Good day.
Me: But we haven't fini-
Coop: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR! (storms off)
Me: Man, Dwarfs are grumpy.
Coop: (off in the distance) I HEARD THAT! And the correct plural is 'Dwarves' when in a fantasy setting, you ridiculous fool! (his voice fades off into incoherent mumbling, but if I heard what I think I did, then not ONLY was it the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me, I'm also certain that it's actually physical impossible. Unless I buy a goat. And that's not happening, because my favourite goat vendor is currently plum out of goats.).

Ah - you haven't lived until you've been insulted by a Dwarf, my friends. :)

***Epilogue***

So - here I am. My favourite MMO (Star Trek Online - STO, thanks for asking) has just updated to what they call 'Season 6: Under Siege'. As a short aside, I honestly think that Steven Seagal would make a kick-ass Klingon. And I know that you saw what I did there, but I'm certain that what I did last summer I can't be bothered actually writing the rest of this gag.

Ahem - Fleets. STO, my MMO of choice, has now introduced special Fleet content. Special ships, and combat maps, and quests, and presumably Fleet partridges-in-pear-trees and Fleet kitchen-sinks as well. So, I thought I'd make a Fleet.

I went to sign up. Guess what? You need 5 people in your current team in order to form a Fleet.

GOD.

DAMN.

IT.

I could ask my friends to join, but none of them like the game. Hey, what can I say: it's Free-To-Play - but it's not a game for everyone, it's true. I could always ask strangers in-game to join, but that feels icky. I could join a Fleet - a specific Fleet that I was actually invited to join recently. A Fleet that doesn't care if you're a master of the game, or if you only play once a month. A Fleet which has a polite and well-mannered leader who leaves you alone when you ask them to. A Fleet that invites you to game with them, and doesn't get upset because you had other stuff to do. A Fleet that totally understands that you might be called away to be a dad (or a mom) at any time, because it's full of different types of people who all work together to achieve a certain goal.

("...to achieve things that we can't on our own.")

That's what it seems like on the outside at least, judging from my interactions with them. Hell, maybe I should do it just to say I've done it once in my life, a bucket list type of deal. I can always leave if I don't like it, I suppose.

You know - reading back over on what I've typed there, it seems as though I've already made up my mind without realizing it. Paddy's going to join a Fleet!

Well gang, this is the perfect opportunity to use a classic Kirk quote, I think. No, not Kirk Cameron. SHEESH. The awesome William Shatner's Captain Kirk. Anyway, he's called a meeting of all his officers, and he's telling them about this opportunity that they have to find out a bunch of very useful stuff, but also that the knowledge can only come at great personal risk to their body and minds. 

At least I don't have to worry about my body from gaming and joining a fleet, I suppose. 

(Looks at gut) What? BEER did that! Beautiful, beautiful beer.

ANYWAY - Kirk then tells them that he won't order them to do it. If they want to do it, fine. If not, that's fine too. No incentive or punishment either way. And then he comes out with this simple line, which I will always hold dear because I am huge Star Trek geek in that way:

"Risk is our business! That's what this starship is all about - that's WHY we're ABOARD her!"

So, I'll see you all soon - I think it's time for me To Boldly Go where I haven't gone before.

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(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a bitch-ass punk nub who doesn't take lip from any griefers. He owes his steely resolve to time spent with his friend Coop The Dwarf AKA Dean Sparkes - who also wrote the brief intro story. Paddy would also like to thank Johnno for introducing him to MMO gaming, and he does so frequently. Seriously, dude - Johnno says he understands and that you are very welcome and would you please stop it now. He also says to stop typing stuff in and making it sound like it's actually coming from him when everyone knows that it's still Paddy typing this crap in here, in a futile attempt at meta-comedy. Cheers.)