#4: "To Boldly Go..."

"Stop playing those games, now." - NKTOB, 'Games'

(Hi, Leanne! :) )

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Picture it: The tavern is named "Ye Olde Coop's Brewery", and it is owned and run by a veteran Dwarf Axemaster known as 'Olde Coop' - hence the name of the place.  The atmosphere in the bar is warm and homely. There is a fire glowing in the hearth, and a large axe hangs over the bar. The blade of the axe seems to glow from within, as the light from the fire plays along its sharp edges.

A raspy, weather-worn voice, the dwarf known as Olde Coop himself clears his throat and addresses his patrons, his friends, and the many people who come somewhere in between:

"Greetin's, friends and travellers! Fancy a wee nip? Now - yer all here t' listen t' the Bard Paddy wax lyrical on the joys of life or some such philosophical musin's. Just remember, it's all about respect, fun and games."

Olde Coop's glance turns towards the large axe on the wall.

"But if yer here t' cause trouble - Well, then I'll just let me old mate 'Choppa' do the talking, I reckon. Now, ye can either stay, or ye can be gone - it's all the same t' me. Either way, I'm late for a gatherin' of Axe Users Anonymous. Stay well, all - and don't drink too much. Well, unless yer paying wi' cash, o' course!"

As Coop leaves his bar, his trusty bar workers take note of the jobs that still need to be done around the tavern. When the Bard begin talking, they stop and listen occasionally, but they have their jobs to do. Although many folks are still talking among themselves (which is normal for this sort of occasion), the Bard's voice can be clearly heard above all the rest.

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Howdy gang!

I would like to talk to you about something which affects us all.

(Also, pretend I did a huge build-up and stuff, would you? I really can't be bothered right now. You know the type: 'many people from all walks of life', 'from the gutters to the stars', 'deep down in our hearts' - you know, all that heart-wrenching stuff. Cool, thanks. Love your work.)

I would like to talk about teamwork.

We are all on a team called the human race, regardless of how vomit-inducingly corny that it sounds. We work in teams in our job(s), and often in our hobbies (especially sports and gaming). Nearly every single thing we want to achieve in our lives revolves around teamwork, because we need teamwork to achieve things that we can't achieve on our own. Anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship can attest to that. Either because it worked out for them, or because it didn't. Every single part of being in a relationship is related to team work. All the good stuff, and all the bad stuff.

I recently discovered (about 5 years late) the very awesome team-based zombie-shooter called "Left 4 Dead". Gone is the macho, one-man-army paradigm - it's all about the team! It got me thinking about Clans, which ultimately got me thinking about Guilds. Then I thought I'd write a blog. You know, because I could. And stuff.

As a wonderful side note, the very excellent Mike Patton (who you may have heard in Faith No More and then proceeded to have wished to have been impregnated by) is the voice of the Infected - the enemies in Left 4 Dead.

Now - I would like to tell you all a (very boring) secret: Though I am a huge MMO fan, I have never joined a guild in an MMO game in my life.

I predict that most folk either just said one of three things, which I would like to address:

If you said: "GOOD GOD! ARE YOU INSANE, MAN? WHAT STALE MADNESS IS THAT? THAT'S SUICIDE, THAT IS!" then this is for you:

You may already know where I'm going with this. Feel free to skip to the "The Leader's Paradox" section.

If you said: "So? Neither have I!" or "Who cares?" or any variant of it, then this is for you:

Good for you! Skip directly to the "The Leader's Paradox" as a reward for your independence.

Unless you actually said "Who cares?", in which case I must question why you are reading this, and I formally invite you to 'sally forth and engage in copulatory activities'.

(And slap me sideways if that isn't the best euphemism I'll ever come up with. Nope, I topped it immediately with 'slap me sideways'. Oh well.)

And finally, if you said: "What the hell are you talking about? MMO? Guild? Say what now?" then this section directly below is for you:

*** MMOS: In which the author explains MMOs, so that you don't have to.

Or something, or whatever. ***

Okay, MMO stands for Massively Multiplayer Online  - which actually explains everything about it, I think (apart from the fact it's a type of video game). There are many types of games which use this model, but people usually think of fantasy games like Guild Wars. Or - ugh - World Of Warcraft (you know the drill - it's like the Holden/Ford thing.). There are two types of teams in MMOs - PUGs (Pick-Up-Groups, in other words 'random people') and Guilds (permanent teams, like a sports team). In some games, being in a Guild can make a huge difference. I could spend ages talking about it. In fact, I obviously intend to. But here are the basics, for the moment.

• Guilds are formed by players, then other players join. They can team up for most of the game content, from Player Versus Player (PvP) to Player Versus Environment (PvE). Some players (like me) don't join a Guild.
• Guilds often have equivalents in other MMOs. In Star Trek Online (STO), there are not Guilds, but 'Fleets'. Anyone who's played a first-person shooter online (like Call Of Duty, or Counter-Strike) is aware of how 'Clans' work, which are very similar to Guilds. In fact, anyone who's seen any of the The Big Bang Theory episodes revolving around their 'Halo nights' would have a (very) basic idea of what's expected.
• Being in a Guild can have certain bonuses, which vary wildly from game to game. In Guild Wars (GW), you can have a private place which is appropriately titled a 'Guild Hall', to which only your Guild members have immediate access. In STO, there are Fleet-Specific combat maps, extra inventory/storage space and another costume slot. Both games though, for instance, allow access to a 'Guild Member Only' channel.
• Earlier, I compared Guilds to sports team. In much the same way as real-life sports teams, Guilds are all about branding. In most MMOs, you can pick not only a name, but also a guild symbol/motif. The sense of community that these small acts can convey is, frankly, astounding.
• Also similar to sports teams, there can be professional gamers. Still, even in the amateur community, the competition can still be pretty fierce. At some point, for many people, it soon becomes like a second job. Especially with some of the end-of-game content for some games - Raids are like an assault battle, often attacking other guilds. It is often treated just as seriously as you would take amateur sports. Cracked.com has a (very funny) list of the reasons why it's like a job, but the essence of it is that other people complicate the crap outta things, but we still need them to achieve things that we can't on our own.

Hey - there's our good friend again - the phrase: "to achieve things that we can't on our own."

And there you go - you're basically up to speed. There is other stuff (of course), but this is all that a non-MMO-gamer needs to know in order to understand the rest of this particular post/blog.

*** The Leader's Paradox: Because it sounds artsy and posh.***

Yeah, I've never joined a guild - but I've started quite a few. Let me back up a bit:

When I was younger and could just sit around playing video games, I did so - and with great fervour. Indeed, it was (insert long and boring story about being good at video games HERE, but without any of that 'before it was cool' hipster crap. Well, maybe just a little of it. Because Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and SNES, and mostly because Amiga 500, dammit. Hey, look - I fit my long and boring story in here after all!) and I haven't looked back since.

So, in my circle of friends (Yes, I have some - stop giggling) I am often the pathfinder, at least for PC games. You know - because they didn't waste their childhoods. My point is that it was a completely natural progression for me to start a guild. Guilds, even.

I started playing MMOs with Guild Wars. A real-life friend (see? - I told you I had some!) called Adam Johnson (Johnno) was also playing it, and we wanted some funky capes (all capes are funky - which should be the name of a Don Bluth movie if it isn't already) like everyone else had. So we asked around in the game, and we found out you simply had to be in a Guild. Okay, cool. How do we do that? So, we find out that you have to buy this item. It wasn't cheap in terms of the in-game currency, but at least it didn't cost us any actual cash (for which I will always love you, NCSoft/ArenaNet). So, we worked together and each threw in some gold and viola! - within a week of casual playing, 2 guild capes! With our own (picked from stock images in the game, not custom) designs on it, in colours we picked. Forever. AWESOME.

Now, what most folks do at that stage is go recruiting, and try to add members to their guild. I work the opposite way - with only one notable exception, I know every single person in my various guilds in real life. Being in a guild is, for a lot of players, another responsibility. Me, I'm all about 'this is a GAME - have fun!'. So I think that having me as a guild leader must be awesome, because I don't ask anyone to do anything, ever. Some folks wouldn't like that though - so they don't join my guild, they join other guilds. 

Which is fine by me. And them. Yay for Gamocracy!

(Also: Yay for making words up!)

But I need to put some info in here about Guild Recruitment and things like that, even though I've never done it myself. What to do, what to do...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you 'Coop' of a Dwarven Axemaster from World Of Warcraft.

*** MY INTERVIEW WITH "COOP, UBER AXEMASTER" ***

Coop: Greetings, everyone.

Me: Okay Coop, so when did you first begi-

Coop: Hold up a moment there, Paddy...

Me: Yes, Coop?

Coop: I saw what you said about World Of Warcraft up there.

Me: Uh... (I wave my hand in front of his face) No, you didn't.

Coop: (clears his throat, then glares at me)

Me: (I wave my hand in front of his face again) Uh - You saw nothing.

Coop: Friend, you ain't a Jedi. Also, that's the wrong universe so it doesn't work on me. Just sayin'.
Me: (I shuffle uncomfortably as I notice how ridiculously sharp his axe is. Still, it's quite shiny and I like shiny things. It's all sparkly-glowy. It's neat. I dig it.)

Coop: Can we hurry this up? I've got a raid to get to, and I need to sort out my inventory before that.
Me: (I clear my throat) How long have you played World Of Warcraft for?
Coop: In the Dark ages of PC gaming (about 1994) there was an awesome game called Warcraft - Orcs vs Humans....World of Warcraft is the progress/evolution/mutant child of that....I have been playing World of Warcraft - 5 odd years...

Me: How long have you been in your Guild for?

Coop: An interesting question...Coop as Coop has been in 2 Guilds - Strength by Numbers (a casual raiding guild), and Make It So (Hardcore Raiding - with casual Aspects...)

Me: How did you join the guild?

Coop: There are a few ways to join a guild...The first is playing along and being helped or helping someone. If you have an uber awesome time someone usually says "Hey - you want to join my guild? We have chocolate" or some other miscellaneous item to lure the unwitting to the spiders den. Alternatively someone could remember how you saved their bacon - hmm bacon, and say "Hey that Coop, he can really swing an axe - let's invite him to our uber awesome fun" - I have even started a couple myself...

Me: In your own words, explain the recruitment process.

Coop: "Um I'm uber cool, have an axe, let's go kill stuff?" or for an official, yet made up on the spot guild advert "Guild Blah Blah is a social guild, looking to recruit like minded players of any level for random raids.".

Me: Are there any 'Rules of Conduct' in your guild?
Coop: At the basic level - its who ever sets the rules, and has the power to kick you out - as the guild gets larger/more organised rules associated with conduct and loot generally emerge.
Me: Can you give an example of when your guild had to deal with a 'problem member', and how they resolved the issue?
Coop:  See this Axe - just not for decoration. (Seriously, that's all he said. I was afraid to ask for any more information. Shoddy interviewing, I know - but dammit I LIKE my face as it is. It's the perfect face for radio, you see.)
Me: How many members are in your guild?
Coop: It's a trick question, because most rosters contain Alt[ernate] characters to pad the numbers. In saying that, a guild with, say, 40 regular members will have a listed membership of 150.
Me: How many of your guild members do you know in real life?
Coop: Probably 9 that I have communicated with out of game persona.

Me: So, Warcraft, eh?
Coop: (Coop glances at me sideways, somewhat suspiciously.) Warcraft.
Me: That's from Blizzard, isn't it?
Coop: Yeah, it is - and what of it?
Me: Is there a Secret Cow Level?
Coop: (Coop retrieves a whetstone from his satchel, and slowly drags it across his Axe blade. All while looking at directly at me.The thought springs from out of nowhere that I am at least 3 city blocks away from the closest possible fresh change of pants. When he jumps up from his seat without warning, I very nearly require the aforementioned pants.)
Coop: Right, I've had enough of you. I'm leaving. Good day.
Me: But we haven't fini-
Coop: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR! (storms off)
Me: Man, Dwarfs are grumpy.
Coop: (off in the distance) I HEARD THAT! And the correct plural is 'Dwarves' when in a fantasy setting, you ridiculous fool! (his voice fades off into incoherent mumbling, but if I heard what I think I did, then not ONLY was it the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me, I'm also certain that it's actually physical impossible. Unless I buy a goat. And that's not happening, because my favourite goat vendor is currently plum out of goats.).

Ah - you haven't lived until you've been insulted by a Dwarf, my friends. :)

***Epilogue***

So - here I am. My favourite MMO (Star Trek Online - STO, thanks for asking) has just updated to what they call 'Season 6: Under Siege'. As a short aside, I honestly think that Steven Seagal would make a kick-ass Klingon. And I know that you saw what I did there, but I'm certain that what I did last summer I can't be bothered actually writing the rest of this gag.

Ahem - Fleets. STO, my MMO of choice, has now introduced special Fleet content. Special ships, and combat maps, and quests, and presumably Fleet partridges-in-pear-trees and Fleet kitchen-sinks as well. So, I thought I'd make a Fleet.

I went to sign up. Guess what? You need 5 people in your current team in order to form a Fleet.

GOD.

DAMN.

IT.

I could ask my friends to join, but none of them like the game. Hey, what can I say: it's Free-To-Play - but it's not a game for everyone, it's true. I could always ask strangers in-game to join, but that feels icky. I could join a Fleet - a specific Fleet that I was actually invited to join recently. A Fleet that doesn't care if you're a master of the game, or if you only play once a month. A Fleet which has a polite and well-mannered leader who leaves you alone when you ask them to. A Fleet that invites you to game with them, and doesn't get upset because you had other stuff to do. A Fleet that totally understands that you might be called away to be a dad (or a mom) at any time, because it's full of different types of people who all work together to achieve a certain goal.

("...to achieve things that we can't on our own.")

That's what it seems like on the outside at least, judging from my interactions with them. Hell, maybe I should do it just to say I've done it once in my life, a bucket list type of deal. I can always leave if I don't like it, I suppose.

You know - reading back over on what I've typed there, it seems as though I've already made up my mind without realizing it. Paddy's going to join a Fleet!

Well gang, this is the perfect opportunity to use a classic Kirk quote, I think. No, not Kirk Cameron. SHEESH. The awesome William Shatner's Captain Kirk. Anyway, he's called a meeting of all his officers, and he's telling them about this opportunity that they have to find out a bunch of very useful stuff, but also that the knowledge can only come at great personal risk to their body and minds. 

At least I don't have to worry about my body from gaming and joining a fleet, I suppose. 

(Looks at gut) What? BEER did that! Beautiful, beautiful beer.

ANYWAY - Kirk then tells them that he won't order them to do it. If they want to do it, fine. If not, that's fine too. No incentive or punishment either way. And then he comes out with this simple line, which I will always hold dear because I am huge Star Trek geek in that way:

"Risk is our business! That's what this starship is all about - that's WHY we're ABOARD her!"

So, I'll see you all soon - I think it's time for me To Boldly Go where I haven't gone before.

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(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a bitch-ass punk nub who doesn't take lip from any griefers. He owes his steely resolve to time spent with his friend Coop The Dwarf AKA Dean Sparkes - who also wrote the brief intro story. Paddy would also like to thank Johnno for introducing him to MMO gaming, and he does so frequently. Seriously, dude - Johnno says he understands and that you are very welcome and would you please stop it now. He also says to stop typing stuff in and making it sound like it's actually coming from him when everyone knows that it's still Paddy typing this crap in here, in a futile attempt at meta-comedy. Cheers.)

#3 - Doctor Zoidberglove (Or "How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love My Anonymity.")

"That's what I'm talking about." - Dr Zoidberg, from the TV show 'Futurama'

Howdy, folks – Paddy here again. I hope you're all in fine health. :)

Today I'm going to use my powers for evil, and talk about wrestling.

I mean the Professional Wrestling (like the WWF), not Freestyle Wrestling (old-school Greek/Roman style.)

(And in case my buddy Krusty is reading: Detso Ritter's style is technically called 'Solo Freestyle'. You're welcome.)

I remember when I first started watching wrestling. I soon grew to love the whole vibe of it, the action figures, and - being an '80s male - the sheer macho cheesiness of it.

Now, for those of you who don't know anything about wrestling, let me explain a few things about it for you. Wrestling only really has 2 rules:

1) Don't leave the combat area or you forfeit the match.

2) To win, pin the back of your opponents (or opponents') shoulders to the ground while the referee counts to 3.

Rule 1 is often ignored for the sake of entertainment, and Rule 2 is the only thing held sacred in wrestling. When they want to show in a storyline that a referee is corrupt, they just get him to break Rule 2. I believe that Wrestlemania IV had an excellent example of this.

Apart from that, wrestling is basically the real-life version of superhero comics:

- There are Heroes and Villains

- There are bizarre costumes (often with masks)
- It's mostly an excuse to watch adults punch each other
- Most characters have a 'Motif'. Batman with his bats, Hillbilly Jim with his... uh... Hillbilliness? Hickitude? Redneckosity? Whatever, you get the idea.

Okay, so - we now have a very basic idea of the whole wrestling thing.

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Now, have you ever seen a movie called 'The Princess Bride'?

If you haven't, then GO AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!

(No, I'm not joking. Yes, I'll wait. (2+ hours later) How'd you go? Yes, that WAS the guy out of 'Saw' when he was younger. Is that all you got from it? SHEESH.)

Anyway, Fezzik - the giant? He was a wrestler who went by the name of 'Andre The Giant', and he sadly passed away quite some time ago. He features as a 'misunderstood/manipulated monster' type of Villain in our story. And the Hero? Only HULK HOGAN.

(If you don't know who that is, he's like a white Mr T. And for those of you who don't know who that is, well - imagine that Hulk Hogan is like Chuck Norris's crazy uncle. And to everyone who already knew who he was, and just pictured Hulk Hogan as Chuck Norris's crazy uncle: "NOW YOU WILL NEVER UNSEE IT. You're welcome.")

Okay, so - the Hulk and Andre are squaring off in the wrestling ring - which is actually a square and not a ring at all (hence my puntastic opening to this current sentence). At one point, Andre has the Hulkster locked into a Full Nelson (which means that Hulk can't use his arms) and he starts pushing Hulk to the ground, so the ref can start counting down*. But Hulk struggles to get up, and he can't. Then he tries to get up again, but this time he's looking at the audience, trying to wave his hands to get them to make some noise. Eventually, the commentator ('Like' this post if you remember Mean Gene Okerland!) just says straight out over the loudspeaker: "Hulk Hogan is trying to get everybody to make some noise - maybe he is able to draw some type of strength from their cheers!"

The weird thing is, I can't remember what happens after that. You would think that that would be the important part. The payoff. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent sure that it even was Andre The Giant. I mean, in my head it is - but mainly I just wanted to plug 'The Princess Bride' because I think it's the second greatest movie ever made.

(I think that Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth' is the greatest movie ever made.)

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Anyway - here's what I do remember:

Dad: That's genius.

Me: What is?

Dad: That story there. He's getting the audience involved. That's great showmanship.

Me: Umm... It's not a story, Dad.

Dad. Yes it is, Boy.

(That was his nickname for me, you see - possibly because I was a young male human. But I digress.)

Me: But they didn't, like, just sit down and write these moves out and practise them.

Dad: ...

Me: Did they?

Dad: Let me put it like this, Boy - you need to understand that that stuff they're doing is really very dangerous. If they don't land right, or they punch someone in the wrong place, or whatever, then they could be in hospital for weeks. The stuff that those guys are doing is the same type of stuff that Olypmic Gymnasts get gold medals for. And fit? You'd need to be in damn good shape.

Me: I don't get it. Wouldn't their bosses find out, and fire them?

Dad: No, the bosses are in on it too. But it's not a big conspiracy or anything, though. Let me put it another way: wrestling isn't about fighting. It's about dancing in a way that looks really tough. It's about the show, not the battle. The battle IS the show. That's WHERE this type of wrestling came from - travelling carnivals, things like that.

Me: So, when a wrestler lifts another wrestler over his head before he bodyslams him, that's just an act? Like, a dancer lifting another dancer? They aren't two enemies, they're two friends?

Dad: Well, more like two guys who work together than 'friends', but yes.

Me: But doesn't that make it a lie?

Dad: Do you think a movie is a lie? Do you think Angus Young** walks around all day in a schoolboy outfit?

Me: No? Yes? No. That's a weird question, Dad. It's like a lie, but it's okay because it's one that we want to be told.

Dad: Same thing with wrestling, Boy.

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"Same thing with wrestling, Boy.", says Dad.

And in that moment, my view of the entire world changed.

Because it wasn't a lie, was it? It was a beautiful, beautiful truth. It didn't destroy the magic – it upgraded it.

In my young eyes, that statement instantly evolved wrestling from 'a childish and violent sport' into 'a majestic and wonderful kingdom of awesome combat gymnasts'. Like an entire industry of non-asiatic Jackie Chans, you might say. If you were awesome, like me. Which you are.

And that's what showbiz is all about - because that's what life is all about. Not so much a lie, but a mystery.

A large part of the human experience revolves around teaching and storytelling, for instance. The best lessons and stories– the ones we tend to remember the most – are the ones that make us curious. That sense of mystery doesn't just keep boredom at bay, but it also serves as a fantastic incentive for artists to create, and for consumers to buy.

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Do you know what the most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time currently is?

(No, it's not Game Of Thrones. That's the second most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time.)

You didn't need to know before I asked, did you?
And now you're (probably at least a little bit) curious.
How does that work? Why do you care now, but not before you read it?

Well, if I could work out the answer to that, I would just keep on doing it and start charging you money for it. Isn't that what storytelling - and by extension, entertainment - is all about?

Consider this: Justin Bieber is a storyteller. You may not like his stories, or the way he puts them across, but you can't deny that is what he is doing – communicating feelings and/or ideas through expressive vocalization – is a form of storytelling.

So why is it that he's famous and (insert your favourite artist HERE) isn't?

Because Mike Patton (if you picked another favourite artist then that's just plain wrong) doesn't have as many fans prepared to throw money at him as Bieber does. I'm sorry, but that's the actual answer. It always comes back to cash. Skill, talent, and dedication can only enter you in the lottery of success – they cannot help you rig it. Luck and charisma are probably more important than intelligence and endurance.

So, I guess it all boils down to a simple idea:

It is the fans that make you a celebrity - if you don't have fans, then you aren't a celebrity. They give you the amount of attention required for the glamour of celebrity, you might say (and indeed, I just did). The more fans you have, the more eyes are directed at you. And the more eyes are on you, the more chances you have to mess it all up. Once you have success, then maintaining the success itself becomes your actual job.

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So, there's the good news: It's not all bad at the bottom. There are huge benefits to your anonymity:

- You can make your art in the exact way that you want to – you don't have to think about sponsors, or agents, or even the public. You can afford to experiment, and to create your works at your own pace.

- When you make a mistake in life, it doesn't result in you being ridiculed throughout the entire world.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying jingle that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying pop song that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person with that retarded film clip on YouTube'.

So, I'd like to say something to everyone who has ever bared their soul to other humans in the name of art: if you ever felt unrecognised then please know that I wrote the ridiculously overworded text below for you.

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“To the starving artist who is worried she might be crazy,

- to the brooding songwriter who is is worried that he might be sane,
- to the probably-medically-insane sculptor who enjoys life to the fullest,
- to the rock musician who has a day job and still yearns for fame,
- to the ballerina who had to quit because her chest size was too large (seriously that's an actual thing, and no laughing matter in my eyes),
- to the footballer whose promising career was cut short due to injury,
- to the guy who is considered world-famous by his friends but doesn't see it because he always thinks bigger (and that's part of his charm),
- to the illiterate father making up bedtime stories based on the pictures in his kids books,
- to the young kid who breaks the 'magical stage barrier' and has the courage to perform in front of his school even though he is scared that he will be teased even if he gets everything right,
- to the performer who hates the stage or simply wants a night off but still find themselves on stage to help their friends out...

You people are my heroes. If you saw yourself there, know that I salute you. Not because you are 'about to rock' - but because you already do.

Because that's the price of being artistic - we can't all be celebrities.

The world doesn't work like that - if everyone was famous, there would be no celebrities.


But anonymity is not failure, and it is not a lack of power.

Only anonymity truly affords us the right to be ourselves and have complete and utter creative control over our works. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine that many celebrities would like the same amount of power over their work.

You already have that power - now go and use it. And do so with a wisdom beyond your years."

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(Also, imagine that I am wearing a monocle when I say the last two sentences. And that you are a superhero and/or private detective. NO - A WRESTLER! It's good fun.)

I've been Paddy, and I think that Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama summed it up best, so I'll let him close this entry for me:

Zoidberg: "That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty, because no one cares."

Fry: "We're not listening!"

Zoidberg: "That's what I'm talking about."

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Devonport-based Level 36 Bard, and he totally forgot to tell you that the dubious honour of being 'the most illegally downloaded TV show in the entire recorded history of humanity' belongs to 'Dexter'.)

* Due to the fact that he was behind Hulk, he couldn't have actually pinned the backs of his shoulders down for win. I don't know what he was going to do about that. Just sayin'.

** Angus Young is the lead guitarist from AC/DC, who usually wears a T-shirt and jeans when not on stage (judging from his various interviews). I pretty much listened to only AC/DC for the first few years after learning to play guitar. Dad knew exactly what he was doing when he used him as an example.

CREDITS:

Writing, remembering pants:

Me

Research Consultants

Peter Walker

Sonia Burgess

Social Commentary

Heather-Jo Cusack
Terri Ritchie,
Kylie Richardson-Rahman
Brent 'Krusty' Brooking
Andrew J Bartlett

#2 - *MUSIC AS MAGIC*

"It's a Kind Of Magic!" from It's a Kind Of Magic, by Queen.

How boring would our lives be without Magic?

Magic is something that everyone needs at some time or another in their lives.

Why?


 I will try to explain.

Magic is something that can either be fully explained or fully enjoyed - rarely can it be both. Magic is something that can enrich our lives, or cause us pain (especially if we don't understand why).

(Have you guessed yet?)

Being a Magician is a funny thing - the more you know, the more you need to hide from the audience. People do not want maths and explanations when they are simply there to see a show. Sure, some of us are curious about Magic and how it works - but a Magic show is probably not the place for that, unless the Magician is particularly entertaining or charismatic.

We don't need to know everything in life - to understand every single physical law that the universe has - in order to enjoy life. That is why Magic is so important -  usually the Magician(s) are often the only ones who are aware of how a performance is crafted (where their hands should be, what their voice should doing etc.), and so when other people witness it, it often looks (and often sounds) like Magic.

(What about now? Any closer?)

Magic, when it really touches us in our hearts and minds, can change the colour of our day - or even make pain more bearable. A child's world is full of Magic, the Natural world is full of Magic. We are surrounded by Magic. Every sound that has ever been made is (when you stop and think about it) Magic. How can it not be?

These things may all be explained by Science, but as humans we recognise when a certain  piece of Magic strikes a chord with us - when it resonates with us. We can explain all the reasons WHY we feel this way about it, right down to the chemicals and the science of it, but that doesn't explain why it feels like it does. Nothing can. And that is the secret of Magic. That is why we have (in the past) thrown money at Magicians whose work we like.

(Do you see what I'm doing here? Does the phrase 'piece of Magic' seem suspicious?)

Freddie Mercury was probably the greatest Magician of all time - he was a fantastic pianist and vocalist, and a wonderful songwriter to boot. Also, he was the consumate performer - perfect. His Magic is living on long after the man himself has passed. The Magic that he made is still impacting on our lives. Is that NOT immortality, my friends? That is some very intense Magic indeed.

We need Magic, because it represents (and is the focus of) 2 very important ideas in the human experience:

1. The idea that "not knowing the inner workings of something" isn't always bad. (Scientifically-minded people need to remember this)

2. That we aren't the only ones who feel like we feel. (Emotional people need to remember this)

Magic is a gift from the universe, which we can use to become better people - or even just to relieve stress in our lives.

(TIME'S UP! Pens down, the 'answer' is below)

Okay, most of us would have realised by now that I was using the word Magic when I obviously meant the word Music (feel free to read the above passage again with this in mind). Some people noticed because it was capitalized the whole time, which marked it as a literary concept. Others noticed because it didn't actually make much sense and assumed I was either an inexperienced writer or trying to make a point, and they were right on both counts. Others would have realised it straight away because of the name of the article. And so on.

And everybody realised at different points. The same piece, the same batch of words - read differently by everyone. A customised reading experience for every single reader.

And that's what Music is. THAT'S why it's magical.

And that's why it's important. It's why ALL art is important.

Because it is a socially acceptable buffer for every single different person, and their emotions - even the unreasonable ones. This is very good for society.
In a bad mood? Play loud music.
In a quiet mood? Play Trance.
Feel intellectual? Listen to whatever music it is that challenges you mentally.
Want to PARTY HARD? I humbly submit Andrew W K, the Internet God of Hard Partying for your audio perusal!

(Watch out for the part where he uses the word 'party'. It's a corker.)

WARNING: This song is way more catchy than it has any right to be

There is a piece of music out there for every possible human emotion. And as new emotions get invented ('90s angst, anyone?), so do new types of music (Grunge, anyone?) to reflect this.

And if you can't find music to express your emotions with, you can WRITE IT.

I mean, why do you think songs get written in the first place? Very rarely do people BEGIN songwriting purely for money.

Consider this: Once upon a time, 2 young chaps called John Lennon and Paul McCartney didn't know how to play instruments or write original songs. Then, one day (for whatever reason) they started doing it together. Add a drummer and another guitarist, fast forward, and then - BLAM! - you're The Beatles.

I'm not saying you'll be The Beatles, but I AM saying that anything that you write is just as valid as anything that The Beatles wrote.

Because in my opinion, it's all a kind of magic.

I've been Paddy, and this sentence is my obligatory Mike Patton reference for today.

(Liam "Paddy" Padmore is a Devonport-based musician, who has Magic [sic] of varying types available for free download @ www.soundcloud.com under the name "PadmoreMusic")

#1 - Baby Steps

"Knick Knick, Paddywhack." - from "Squeeze Me Macaroni", by Mr Bungle.

Howdy, readers!

When I was asked to write a music column for Tazmultuous Online  because I could and it was all my own idea and everything, my mind went haywire trying to think of the best possible column that I could write.

 

 

• "Why Music Matters."
• "Why Music Makes Your Life Better."
• "What Mistakes Have I Made That You Can Learn From?"
• "What Your Pants Can Tell About You As A Musician."
• "Your Family Are ALL Liars: You're Untalented And We Will Laugh At You On Australian Idol And Then On YouTube. Your Grandchildren Will All Be Teased. And Possibly Hunted."

Eventually, I realised that would be a mistake - there is a difference between 'putting your best foot forward', and 'peaking too soon'. In other words:

"What good is one top-notch article if the rest of them are duds?"

So.

That's what I'd like to talk about for my first blog: Standards.

We all have different standards, which actually makes the word completely pointless if you look at it long and hard enough (PROTIP: Don't - that way lies madness, sir or madam. Madness.).

What I consider to be absolute genius, other people might consider to be avante-garde - or even worse, 'funny'. A good example would be Mike Patton, who many of you may know as the singer for Faith No More, Mr Bungle, Tomahawk, or Fantomas (amongst many other acts). Anyway, I really dig his 'Adult Themes For Voices', which is basically just him making noises. One song merely contains him saying the word 'fuck' in as many different ways as he can.

Madness? Yes. But I am hearing something different from you, my-imaginary-reader-who-in-my-head-does-not-like-Mike-Patton. I am hearing something like a racing fan hears when the engines are all firing before the race, when they are all being tuned and tweaked. I am hearing something like a sports fan hears when the commentator agrees with what they are thinking. I am hearing something like you hear when you hear a noise that reminds you of a video game or your workplace and it momentarily takes you to another place, mentally.

"Yes, that's a lovely bit of prose, but what's your point?", I can hear you say. "How is this related to standards?"

Only by realizing that we cannot actually guarantee the standards we want, can we begin to understand what our personal standards are - we can't control what other people hear, we can only influence it. Also, that prose was actually terrible.

Here is an example:

I have a song I've been working on for at least 10 years. I am not in a position to get it recorded any better than it is. Lyrically, it's my finest work blah blah blah lots of work blah blah blah my idea of the perfect pop ballad blah blah blah sincere and heartfelt blah blah blah my pants are nice blah blah blah etc.

What's it called?

Anyone?

Even the people who follow my work will be hard pressed to know which one I mean. Because I recorded it and let it stand for itself. As in 'didn't market, at all'. Because it was up to my personal standards.

That was pretty dumb. Do you know why?

Because Friday, by Rebecca Black.

Pick a place in the world, any place with access to the internet.

Let's say... Seattle. Because Soundgarden, damn it.

Now - find someone. Anyone.

Let's assume that there's somebody who lives there called 'Janet' (for 2 reasons: because I like the name, and because I have the keyboard).

Ask Janet from Seattle what that song by Paddy was - and she'll be all like "Whuh?", or possibly the more stylish "Wait - who?". Ask her what that song by Rebecca Black was, and she'll probably punch you in the face. Or maybe stab you, if she grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.

The point is that Rebecca Black is well known. But who am I to the internet? Just another fool with words and music to spare.

"But at least you aren't known for Friday!", you say.

No, I'm not. I'm not known for any of my works.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See, Music isn't like other industries, which goes both ways.

Try this out (without using any fictional characters):

• Name 5 famous video game designers
• Name 5 famous petrol station attendants
• Name 5 famous movie sound effects engineers

The keyword is Famous - if your parents wouldn't know how they are, or if you have to wiki them to double check something, then it doesn't count.

Okay, now you can use fictional characters, too.

Didn't change much, did it?

(All I got a whole bunch of Video Game Developers, but the only ones I wish to mention/free-advertise are Cyrptic, Peter Molyneaux, Tim Shaffer and Michel Ansel. Also, I can think of some deadset kickass petrol station attendants, but they aren't famous. In one case, I'm inclined to say 'aren't famous yet' - but I digress.)

If you did name 5 in any of those categories - then well done in obviously being a hobby specialist (or professional) in those fields. Because everyone else was all like "Whuh?" (or possibly the more stylish "Wait - who?"). But here's the thing - it's probably a safe bet that you've used their services (or enjoyed the results of said services) over the last month.

ESPECIALLY the petrol service attendants.

You can go for days without listening to music. Can you go for days without your car needing fuel? Who really deserves to be famous there?

Just think about that for a second.

(Here is an ASCII snail for you to enjoy while you do so. My daughter designed it.)

&@_ .................

(The dots are his slime, see? My daughter is awesome. )

Music is a specialist field that most people are actually into (unlike, say, 'armadillo husbandry'), and as a result a lot of people carry around specialized knowledge of their favourite artist(s). We call those people 'fans' and we call the knowledge 'trivia' or 'gossip'. Fans give money and attention to artists whose work they enjoy (like how I keep referring to Mike Patton and bought nearly everything he was ever involved in).

Unlike most specialist fields, the Music Industry doesn't really have any 'standards'. Sure, there's the basic Health and Safety stuff, but that's everwhere (including your home).

For instance:

• I strongly believe that nobody should ever use auto-tune to actually auto-tune, others think it is simply another step of the recording process.
• I believe that every child should be taught music, others believe it is a waste of time.
• I think that Mike Patton - the voices of the enemies from the movie 'I Am Legend' and the games 'The Darkness' and 'The Darkness II' (amongst many other movie/game appearances) - is a living treasure and the only person alive who could begin to compare to the late great Freddie Mercury, whereas some other people think some other stuff about him that is just plain wrong.

If you have something that you are proud of, JUST PUBLISH IT ALREADY!

It's not the bloody '90s anymore - and thank goodness, because they were horrendous - you don't need a studio. Most modern phones can record and upload your music within minutes. Still, if you have the money spare, you should consider using a studio - those guys are still around for a very good reason.

You might get famous!

But that isn't really up to you, is it?

But do you want to get famous (like Rebecca Black did) - or just express yourself?

You don't need to have a recording contract to be a successful artist - you just need to be heard and
 appreciated by someone. Anyone. ONE PERSON. Even if you show your parents or friends and they say "Well, that was terrible but you obviously worked hard on it.", then you have showcased an artwork and therefore now an artist.

But that's just MY opinion - MY personal 'standard'.

My ultimate point that I have finally made my way towards is this:

Make your own damn standards, I say. Then improve them. Everything else is just icing on the cake, eh? I call this the 'What About Bob?' principle, because I am a try-hard academic and I think it makes me sound smart (and also retro).

("What About Bob?" was a movie starring Bill Murray and some other fine actors who aren't Bill Murray, and features the idea of 'Baby Steps' - one step at a time.)

This Blog was probably pretty tacky, and possibly hard to read.

And that's fine - I know I'll get better at it.

See what I'm doing there? :)

I've been Paddy, and the song of mine that was forcibly wedged into the dialogue earlier on is called "Misunderstand". You can listen to or download it for free at http://soundcloud.com/padmore-music/misunderstand if you're into acoustic pop ballads, or even just curious.

- Paddy

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Tasmanian-based musician who is actually a huge fan of Rebecca Black. It's true, and you heard it here first.)