GIGTALES 0: Why I quit performing in public.

Hey gang.

By now, it's pretty clear to (and totally okay by) me that it's only my close friends reading this.

I'm sorry I haven't contacted you since I left facebook. I still have all your phone numbers and email addys, which can be proved by the fact that I contacted you about this blog.

I don't want to talk about the last 25 years of performing, and why I quit. But some folks have asked for answers, and I don't want to initiate contact and then have to deal with this at all. Recording my thoughts here seems a valid compromise.

There are many reasons. Believe me, after I sorted it out I was surprised by the complexity of the issues involved (given my often simple approach to performing - 'turn up and do the job'.).

Here are some of the actual reasons I quit performing, culminating in the actual, bonafide, 100%, can't-turn-back-now, actual, honest-to-goodness solid-gold MAIN reason. While I don't want you to skip ahead to it, I can't stop you. Just know that it may require the others in order to be fully appreciated. 

IMPORTANT POINT: In this particular entry (apart from the paragraphs below), when I say 'you/your', I mean 'The General Public', not 'you, Dear Reader'.

So if I say "FUCK YOU FOR EVEN GOING THERE" I am not talking to you, I am expressing my thoughts towards the general public and their shitty attitude, which, as you're friends of mine and are not scum, doesn't actually include you. You may be offended by my attitude towards religion, but NOTHING AT ALL is directed towards YOU PERSONALLY. I just find it easier to express myself in this way, as though I'm actually there with you, for better or worse, speaking my mind, as the Paddy you know and uh...are kind of interested in what he has to say.

To make it clear: Anyone who's reading this probably is a supporter of mine, which means that you get a free pass for all this stuff anyway. I cannot make this clear enough - mainly because I speak quite freely below. Like I say: 'as though I'm actually there with you.'

For instance, I complain about how people didn't want to pay full price for my show. One of you INSISTED on paying full price when I offered a discount, so they can read that part and be proud. That's what I mean about free passes.

But let me make this doubly clear: I am not shitting on my supporters. If you think I am, you need to read the whole thing because you've only gotten a snippet of what I'm saying.

Okay, so don't get offended? We cool?

Cool.

Okay, this is HUGE. Take all the time you need, I won't be deleting it.

One last thing: You probably cannot read this and still maintain the same level of respect for me. That's MY fuckup, not YOURS, and I don't mean it in a "CAN YOU WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO CLIP?" kind of way. Because I finally remove the Paddy veil of shame and stupidity in order to let you see my true self, my inner workings - and they are found to be well and truly wanting. I would be lying if I said otherwise.

I am okay with this, because I am sick of pretending it's all other peoples fault. Some of it is, sure. Maybe. Probably.

I should just get on with it.

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"I'm Francis, and I hate audiences."

1. I had become abusive on stage.

There's some real fun to be had with someone who's either drunk, foolish, or brave enough (or a heady mix of all three!) to heckle an experienced performer.

Do you remember when you were a kid (or possibly even more recently) when someone insulted you (possibly in a friendly way) and you spent far too long thinking about what you could have said?

The French have a term for this: l'esprit d'escalier. It means 'staircase wit' - you think about the quip made at the dinner table, and finally create a worthy response far too late now because you've left the table and are now heading up to bed (via the staircase, see?). Germans also have a name for this: Treppenwitz.

A good performer has already anticipated most traditional heckles, and have appropriate (for their act) responses prepared. Rodney Dangerfield might have responded with:
'Wow, that's a great heckle buddy. Who wrote it for you?',
whereas Rodney Rude might say to the exact same heckle(r):
"Whatever mate, just get your mom to stop calling me, she's becoming a nuisance. All these guys down here in the front row agree with me, too."

So I naturally gravitated towards mom jokes, purely because they're simple and I've never truly understood humour. I then (d)evolved to dad jokes (not the bad-puns-dad-jokes, I mean mom-jokes-with-the-word-'dad'-instead-of-'mom'), then started even doing daughter and son jokes, because Australians desensitise way too quickly.

HEY, WAIT A FUCKING SECOND HERE.

What happened to the music in this equation? What happened to the meritocracy thing that Aussies say they're so proud of? What happened to just being able to play some fucking MUSIC and letting THAT be the show?

"OH BUT YOU'RE SO GOOD AT ENTERTAINING!" say all the sirens in my ear.

“DANGER! DANGER ! THERE IS SOMETHING VERY VERY WRONG HERE!” says the other type of siren in my ear, at a volume that would make a klaxon ashamed for not trying hard enough.

Then I realise that NEITHER kind of sirens are 'the good kind'.

Then I start to resent performing.

Then I start to resent hecklers, for they represent the total and utter lack of respect for local musicians that is currently and will probably always be en vogue. You know, unless you know them personally. Then they're okay. But all the other ones are lazy and shit, hey.

Then I stop having appropriate responses, because fuck everyone and their shitty attitudes. Perhaps this is a failing in me. I am above and beyond caring. I just know it HURTS, because I would rather be punished for being myself than be rewarded for being someone else. Which is kind of handy, because that's what's happening.

And then I should probably stop performing in general, because I'm not entertaining others any more, I'm entertaining ME. And I can do that at home WITHOUT being underpaid AND without being heckled AND without being made to feel like an unemployed piece of shit.

So now I let others entertain me. I've discovered heaps of awesome YouTube channels, none of them even remotely related to music, because FUCK THAT SHIT.

If you're curious about the things I said, just know that I can troll like a motherfucker. Hell, if you're reading this, you probably already know how sharp my tongue is. Let's just say that I could have been arrested and leave it there.

That was the exact moment that I stopped enjoying performing, because I realised that, for the most part, audiences had never been to see me bare my soul. They'd been to see me destroy it. Bonus points if I can take out a heckler while I'm at it.

What is this? RUNNING MAN? ROLLERBALL?

WHEN DID THIS BECOME OKAY?

But it had always been this way, hadn't it? I'd just never noticed, because I was too busy being obsessed with my assumed musical abilities. Nobody cares how good you are. Nobody cares if you practise. They care if you make them laugh. They don't want you to make them think. OH GOD NO WHAT IS THIS? SCHOOL? "Do you know Summer of '69?" people would ask me, while I was in the middle of singing 'War Pigs' or 'The Wall (Pt II)'.

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"Hi, I'm Paddy! I'm your friendly neighbourhood musician!" said Paddy, not knowing how things worked.

 

2. I realised that I had never actually understood the music scene to begin with.

I've spent more time in my so-called 'music career' playing bass guitar and doing back-up vocals for other people than I ever have on my own stuff. This is because I assumed the 'favours' would be repaid. What else can it be when someone that you know has a huge ego and is capable of bitching lead guitar (I'm no Brian May, but I'm not going to pretend I don't fucking rock it up either) and passable lead vocals (my voice sounds kind of cool, but it contains pitching issues - see above: "nobody cares if you practise") is in a support role, if not a favour?

The answer, my friends, is 'paid work'.

Not 'Networking opportunities.' Not 'personal loyalty'. Not even 'A FAVOUR'.

Nope, PAID WORK.

I'm not complaining about having paid work - I'm complaining about how easy I was to manipulate. In the last (and my god I hope that also means 'final') band I was in, it took only 2 gigs before I was relegated onto bass YET A-FUCKING-GAIN. People can say all this stuff about the reasons why I'm a pussy or a chordophone snob, but the simple fact of the matter is that I'm not going to spend money that I don't have on a bass rig to play BASS IN A FUCKING COVER BAND.

AND THIS IS ALL THAT THE LOCAL SCENE WANTS OF ME? TO PLAY FUCKING BASS IN A FUCKING COVER BAND, FOR X AMOUNT OF MONTHS, UNTIL “FUCK YOU, PADDY, NO WE WON'T DO YOUR ORIGINALS NO MATTER WHAT WE SAID BEFORE”?

Thank goodness for The Wooten Files, at least that band has pleasant memories for me. Thank goodness for Psyclone and Magenta, at least my formative experiences were pleasant enough.

I have nothing at all against bass players or cover bands. In fact, my favourite local muso is a bass player (played bass in TWF), and my favourite local band (they know who they are) are a cover band. My favourite international bands all have awesome bass work, and do covers themselves. And I do enjoy playing bass.

BUT I AM NOT A BASS GUITARIST. I don't understand so many of the concepts anywhere near well enough. I don't DO IT JUSTICE. BECAUSE I'M MORE INTERESTED IN OTHER THINGS, LIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE BECAUSE FUCK BASS GUITAR AND WHAT IT STANDS FOR IN MY LIFE.

If you took your car to someone, would you want working on it:

Someone who wanted to be a mechanic, or someone who resents being a mechanic?

Same here, but with your ears and feet on the dancefloor.

Before this goes further, please let state that I am hardly referring solely to my last ensemble act. This problem goes back for at least 15 years.

But if people don't understand that I'm not the man for the job, basswise – and that there are MUCH BETTER BASS GUITARIST OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT THE WORK, well that's not my fucking problem.

And my word have I started saying that phrase a lot lately.

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It would be far too obvious to have picture of a buccaneer here, so I chose Michigan J. Frog instead.
Yes, that's his actual real name.
You're welcome.

3. YO HO HO, AND ALL O' YER CASH

People sometimes say that piracy doesn't affect local performers. That's exactly like saying that that the moon is a type of planet. It's sort of true if you have learning difficulties and don't understand how things actually work.

Seriously, you expect me to believe that you'll BUY my album instead of copying it from someone else? I've seen how 'people' act in real life and on facebook, and I'm well and truly done playing the trust game with other so-called 'humans'.

My favourite thing here is how people think it's not theft because it's not a real physical thing EVEN THOUGH IT CLEARLY IS, BECAUSE IT'S ONLY AVAILABLE ON CD (when I release stuff, I mean).

If digital information isn't real, then could everyone who says this send me their bank account details, please? What's that? NO? But digital information isn't real, so what's the problem?

Another classic one is how stealing an album isn't like stealing a loaf of bread, because you still have the album afterwards. It's not the ITEM that's lost – it's the SALE ITSELF. This is not exactly fucking rocket science here.

From my point of view, if you don't pony up the cash (or at least even TRY and barter), then I don't want you listening to my WORK because you're just stealing a SALE from me. How the FUCK is that so damn hard to understand? THAT A SERVICE/ITEM SHOULD BE PAID FOR?

And if you don't care about this at all, consider THIS:

Most of the facebook viruses and worms originate from scripts downloaded from p2p networks – aka 'digital piracy', via sites like The Pirate's Bay and the like. Next time your facebook (or even computer) is being shitty, it's probably because one of your family or friends pirated something and didn't even bother to protect themselves.

But whatever: They got to watch or listen to some shit for free, so that's okay. Doesn't matter that it hassles YOU. Not their problem.  Join the club, I kept your seat warm for you. Yes, that possibly is a little creepy of me to offer you a seat that I have bodywarmed. Moving on.

But whatever, I'm just a whiny little bitch for even bringing the subject up, because this is Australia and if you're poor it MUST be because you're lazy, because THIS IS AUSTRALIA, and we aren't thieves, even when we steal stuff. Mate, we stole a whole fucking country. One CD is PISSANT STUFF.

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This pic was taken from a house gig, which is something that I will still do occasionally.
It's the only way for me to hear certain artists, artists who share my love of music
and hatred of general public performance. Here's to ya, the Hefferon ladies!

4. Lack of local support from so many different quarters.

What it says on the tin. From random audience members to venues, most of my local scene are like vaginaless and assholeless hookers - in that they can just suck my fucking dick.

I performed my arse off, and the most I ever regularly got was $100 a night as a solo artist. That *one* venue at least gave me regular work, and treated me like a king when I was there. I will always remember them fondly for that. Perhaps it's because it was a managed by a muso.

Other people playing in certain other venues were getting $600 for the same show (actually, a less entertaining show, but now I just sound cocky).

I thought that sounded like a good amount of money. I called the people I needed to call.

“Cool, send me a promo kit.” they said.

Sorry, a fucking WHAT NOW?

I had performed for 20 years before I had even heard this phrase!

This is what I was told a Promo Kit is:

1 Professional Headshot (min price I could find - $150)
(this is a photo, not a sniper trick – ahahaha)
1 Bio
(which obviously doesn't mean the same thing as it does in online gaming)

1 Sample setlist
(Hey why don't I send you the ACTUAL setlist? This is getting dumb)
2 References
(because it's a 'performers resume')
1 website link OR YouTube footage link
(Mate, I just want to play a fucking show, not do a fucking world tour. I NEED A WEBSITE? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SHIT FUCKING COSTS? YES, I SHOULD TOTALLY USE ONE OF THE FREE ONES, THAT WILL SEND A GOOD MESSAGE TO POTENTIAL CLIENTS. Fine, YouTube then.)

RIGHT.
SO.

To begin organising the Promo Kit, I thought I'd call my favourite local guitarist/band-member who will remain nameless as I don't want him being judged for my whining. Let's call him SIR GONDALES because it sounds Spanish and Spanish is cool, even though I don't actually know any of it.

Paddy: Hey, is SIR GONDALES there?
SG: You idiot, this is my phone.
Paddy: Can you prove it's you?
SG: I can.
Paddy: Are you going to?
SG: Nope.
Paddy: Okay, that sounds like something the real SIR GONDALES would say.
SG: Is this going anywhere? I was having the most wonderful wank.
Paddy: Wait, aren't you at work?
SG: (SIGH) “WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY, PADDY?”
Paddy: About your Promo Kit...

SG: Dude, WHAT Promo Kit?
Paddy: You don't have a Promo Kit?
SG: What the hell are you even talking about?
Paddy: I just called (removed) from (removed) and asked for some work. They said I needed a Promo Kit. You work for them, so I thought you'd have one.
SG: Nope. Didn't need one.
Paddy: Okay, thanks I guess. I'll let you get back to your masturbation then.
SG: Cheers, I'll be thinking of you.
Paddy: I'm strangely fine with that. Ciao, SIR GONDALES
SG: See ya, Paddy. Also, don't mix Italian and Spanish, it's tacky as fuck bro.

(Okay, I added that last part.)

So, ALREADY we can see it's one rule for the cool kids and one rule for everyone else. But perhaps they simply got in before it became company policy. That's not impossible, sure. Knowing the company in question though, I highly doubt it. But it's just conjecture at this point.

Seeing as I was unemployed at the time, and had been for basically my entire life up until then (unless you count music, which fucking nobody does, mainly because it makes it easier to underpay musos that way), I didn't have $150 just lying around (seriously, employed people are so fucking lucky, but most in my experience act like such self-important cunts about it, so fuck them anyway), so I went to my Job Service Provider, ignorantly thinking that they would actually do things to help me gain employment. WHAT A FUCKING MORON I WAS AND CONTINUE TO BE.

(All I will say is that this wasn't Mission Australia Employment Solutions, who are AWESOME, and by far and away the most human JSP I've ever interacted with, ever. I am certain that THEY would help me with my zombified music career even now, if I asked them. Which I won't, because BRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!)

Obsoive:

Me: Hey, I can get some pretty good regular paid work if I can put a promo kit together.
JSP: And what's that, exactly?
Me: (explains)
JSP: So why are you telling me this and not just doing it?
Me: Because I need $150 for the pro headshot.
JSP: Can't you just get one of your friends to take a picture and use that?
Me: THIS IS LIKE A PERFORMANCE RESUME. THEY HAVE ASKED FOR A PROFESSIONAL PICTURE.
JSP: Okay don't get upset, it was just an idea.
Me: I don't think you're taking me seriously.
JSP: And I don't think you're taking US seriously.
Me: Excuse me?
JSP: Buddy, you want $150 FOR A PHOTO.
Me: YES. FOR MY PERFORMANCE RESUME.
JSP: Mate, I won't lie to you. That's not happening.
Me: Okay, what about this other job that's also part time, but pays less, is way more dangerous, and also I need $150 for equipment and travel and shit like that.
(I swear on the Aussie flag that this was exactly how I worded it)
JSP: THAT we can help with.
Me: Mate, I just made that job up just then, to prove a point. I'm leaving this office now, and if you need to mark this down as a non-attendance you go for it, but we're done here for now.
JSP: Now, look here, I-
Me: (soul-destroying glance full of hatred and barely contained murder)
JSP: See you next month then, Liam.

So as well as fucking over musos, they also had the view of:

"Fuck local photographers, they don't need work either."

Great attitude there, non-specific Job Service Providers that I have not identified.

YES, I TRIED GETTING A LOAN AND NO, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I will say this though: Commonwealth Bank might not have said yes, but at least they weren't fucking laughing snooty cunts about it like every other mob I went to. The lady actually apologized that she couldn't help or think of any workaround. That ONE reason alone is why they're the only bastards that get to handle my money for the rest of my life.

For the record, Belle Young Photography is the go for local artists/bands, as they're prepared to discuss payment arrangements, and are also very friendly. I only wish I had discovered this when I still wanted to perform. Still, I know who I'll be going to for my next album cover. And now I'm working, I know Which Bank I'll be going to for a loan if  I ever need it, too.

I would like to also give a big shout out to Joffre St Productions, who are ideal for Launnie-based folks, and also do video. Just remember that quality costs, especially in larger cities like Launnie.

"So...Any old pic that a friend took?"
"No, it's got to be professional quality."
"Could I have that in writing? My Job Service Provider is...Hello? Hello? DAMMIT."

Anyway, as for how 'often' my friends came to see me. I obviously must not have been anywhere near as pleasant sounding as I trained to be, because very few people came more than once. Yes, I understand that many people are busy and broke, but don't expect me to take you seriously when I see what you're up to on facebook – you can go to a fucking festival year after year, but can't spend fucking 20 bucks on drinks in a local pub AT A FREE SHOW FOR AN HOUR OR TWO, ONCE OFF? If you don't want to see my show because you think I suck, or because I've offended you, or purely because I'm not famous - then FUCKING SAY THAT. Or if you're going to lie, at least put some damn effort into it.

I've lost more fans from interacting with them on facebook than I ever gained from interacting with them in real life. I'm fine with that. I don't need sexists, bigots, and pedophile apologists as fans. Actually, I do, because I need their money, which is kind of a problem for me personally.

"Oh you're so sensitive, Paddy. Does it really matter?" say all the people without compassion, like the inhuman soulless abominations that they truly are. Harsh? Mate, I'm holding my tongue here, I really am.

This matters because venues hire artists based on bar sales - which is fucking stupid if you ask me, but cover charges make people avoid a place (see also: “All art should be free”, as said by employment bigots worldwide), so they can't use THAT as a guide anymore.

So, the more people came to my shows, the more the bar sales would go up, the more work I would get.

In theory.

Except that nobody came regularly. INCLUDING old school friends, I can count on one hand the number of regulars who came to any given show. I will always owe you one, Paul! And MR BEARDO! (he knows who he is) and in the words of Mike Patton in the first Mr Bungle album: “THANKS MOM!”

Now, don't get me wrong: I really did appreciate it when many people came to see me, that one time. Especially some of the more busy people – I am sincerely honoured that some of the names-about-town came to see my little old self (Hello, Tracey)! ALSO: BIG UPS to the mainland crews (Hi Kylie!) who made time to see me in their Tassie visits. But while I can appreciate that on a personal level, I didn't understand that it was utterly useless to me on a professional level.

Perhaps others could have done more with it. I just know that I am not others.

“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED, PADDY!”

Yeah, I DID. Next brilliant bit of input, Braniac?

“YOU SHOULD HAVE ADVERTISED MORE, PADDY!”

WOW. Who ARE you? Michael FUCKING Bay? What next? "YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD PYROTECHNICS, PADDY! MOAR 'SPLOSIONS, BRUH!"

Shall I tell you that story about trying to get cash for a professional headshot again, or did you 'get it' the first time? You can't get blood from a stone, mate. What part of 'I have basically been poor my entire life' didn't you pick up, exactly?

Why have I been poor?

Quite simply put, because I'm extremely fucking stupid, possibly mentally retarded. Not even joking. I thought performing was my destiny, it turns out it was only my density. Ahaha.

Because I've tried to do what I thought I was supposed to in society. Because people have lied to me. Because I've been stupid. I'm not saying I don't deserve poverty. I'm just saying I'm sick of it by now. I am certainly not complaining about it in and of itself (mainly because it's been largely my own fault), but I see no reason to pretend that it hasn't been a relevant issue in my life – a major part of my struggle. More on this later, with regards to my personal mistakes.

Anyway, I thought that videoing some shows might give me pretty good footage – and it did. But the sound quality? Not so much. Hardly inspires me to upload it – it would be like handing in a resume written in crayon.

There is ONE good show recorded. Guess why I can't get a hold of it? That's right. MONEY. At least I can't afford to transport something, at least that's a new thing! "Hopefully I can pick up more hours at my new job and money won't be so much of an issue any more." said Paddy, now that he was normal, whatever that means.

The amount of effort required to promote my act was mindblowing, probably because I never really nailed my branding. It wasn't that I didn't try to promote myself, it was that I sucked at it harder than a fleshlight attached to an industrial strength vacuum cleaner inside a space-time vortex. And by the time I realised what I actually needed to do, I had already undermined myself (by trying to be funny, and by mostly succeeding at it, even though I still don't understand HOW – I will never understand humour, which is another reason I didn't want to continue on that path– it made me feel FAKE).

See, I thought I was just going to go up on stage and play my heart out, and let everyone else decide what type of act it was.

WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT.

And I hate to admit it, but the right promo headshot would have actually fixed that issue from the beginning – it would have set the tone. Actually, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have realised the importance of it at the time, and not taken it seriously – which would have been misconstrued as comical (like so much of my output).

I'll tell you what: If I ever do start performing in public again, I'm not even going to think about booking gigs until I have that damned Promo Kit bullshit sorted out.

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Perhaps if I simply removed all pretense at being a serious musician, that might work
out better, seeing as people just want me to be comical anyway?

It didn't work, but I don't regret trying. I would go to see that show myself.

5. No long term payoff, or even proof of time spent.
 
People sometimes ask me when I'm going to release an album so they can buy it, then wonder why I go quiet. I mean, that's a nice enough question right? What could possibly upset me about that?

Because the correct question involves the phrase 'next album' – I've already released 3, independently.

“BUT WHY CAN'T I BUY THEM THEN?” someone asks.

Because they were lost to the sands of time, because my BACKUPS OF MY BACKUPS failed. Hey, I failed at something else. See the pattern?

On a side note: god forbid that people should have just come to the show and caught the act there. But some folks live overseas and can't do that, and THOSE guys are the ones that deserve to ask when the NEXT album is coming out.

For the record (a joke, as they were all CDs), these were all from 2000-2010:

1. Private Salad (as part of the Electronica Smoke&Mirrors duo)
2. Travel Wrought (mainly acoustic stuff)
3. ADMIT ONE (Electronica/Funk/Rock)

And between them all, I managed to make 10 whole entire fucking dollars. See above: SUCKING AT STUFF.

Now, for all the live shows I've done, I've got nothing to show but the cash I got that night. No proof I've done them. No proof that I've tried for 25 years to feed my family by using my musical skills. No golden watch. No ANYTHING - apart from a vague-yet-infinite sense of failure at something that other musos seem to thrive at.

In the last 5 years, I've made exactly $50 from CD sales at the shows, with different recordings based on that tour. But these were just one-take bullshit promo stuff, hardly worth being called an 'album'. And yet they made me more money than the actual albums. Curious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I put no effort into the recent stuff. I'm saying I put WAY MORE effort into the less successful, actual albums.

Tell me again how hard work matters?

I could write 3 whole albums and take years to record them, or I can just one-take some covers and make 5 times more money, over half the time?

And people wonder why modern music is SHIT.

FUCK THIS STUPID SHITTY FUCKING JOB.

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Here we can see a random musician, who is clearly just being lazy and not applying himself at all.
And they wonder why we think so little of them.

ACTUAL CONTEST:
Want to win some free cover music by yours truly? There's 'Easy' on guitar on one of them!
Just be the first to reply BELOW (you might need to make a Blogger account) and answer the following question:
"What is in my left hand here, and why?"

6. All of the above has led me to take recording more seriously than I ever have before.

See, another thing about those 3 albums is that while they contained pretty good songwriting and instrument playing/sequencing, they weren't exactly pro-quality recordings. And good recordings cost big money.

You can't get heckled on a recording. Oh, you can be criticized over it, but you're allowed to actually finish your damn job before all that crap happens. Also, it will be nice to play bass for my own music for a damn change.

So I want to record, because if I can't have money from the 25 years I pointlessly threw at this junk, then I will have PROOF that I didn't just sit on my ass the whole time.

But because I want to record it myself (sorry, I don't have 5K to spare on a local release of 50 albums), then I need to ignore everything I know already (OH YAY) and learn how sound engineering works for a bedroom producer.

Fortunately for me, I already have all the equipment I need (the main benefit of bartering your services when appropriate). HAHA! TAKE THAT, 'MONEY'!

It will just take more time than I have.

Oh wait – I have heaps of time now – because now I'm a Cleaner who only does this shit as a hobby – as I always should have been.

“What about piracy?” I hear you say

“Whatevs.” I reply, trying to sound like a 14-year-old girl, and sounding like middle-aged man trying to sound cool instead. I'm going to let fucking iTunes sort that shit out, that's what I'll be paying them for. I'm just going to have my music ready in their shop when it damn well suits me, and not even worry about piracy. I'm over it. Besides, it's not going to be my main income any more so my mind will allow me to ignore it (FINALLY).

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Me and my mate Steve, at my fave away gig ever: Crossroads in St Helens.
Sadly, it will probably be closed by the time you read this.

Bigups to Jan and Steve (the owners, not the dude in the photo), and also to Steve and Jan, in no particular order.
And Nadine and Jeanymaree and Bernie and Trish and Helene and Boots and oh god now I'm crying, seriously

A short break, before we hit the big one.

Any non-biased person reading this can see where I've blamed others for my own mistakes. I haven't tried to hide that. I'm saying that I never understood how society worked, and that being a performer has NOTHING to do with being a musician. I think that's an important case to make, because until recently I thought I was doing okay. But I was failing miserably, that's obvious now.

I honestly had NO IDEA that that was the case. THIS is why I argue with people about my intelligence: This is NOT rocket science, if I couldn't see THIS, then I don't deserve the kudos of even having a standard intelligence. Now, I don't feel bad about it, I don't think it makes me less of a person, and don't see why I should lie about it. In fact, I wish that some people were less intelligent, they might be more pleasant to be around. Also, I'm one of those people. That's actually a win in my eyes.

I thought I was my social responsibility to be a muso, I honestly did.

I thought it was what I was here for.

I thought it was my reason for being, my destiny, my fate.


I thought that turning my back on music would be evil.

WHAT.

A.

GORMLESS

FUCKUP.

I.

WAS.

It is my sincere hope that someone reads this, realises what a complete and utter fool I was, and then proceeds to at least make DIFFERENT mistakes, if any.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PERFORMER.

I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY LOVE OF MUSIC AND THE HEALING THAT IT BRINGS ME.

BUT I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH MY OWN EGO AND THE ATTENTION THAT BEING COMICAL BROUGHT ME, AND BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME FAMOUS ONE DAY, BECAUSE OF ALL THE AWARENESS I COULD BRING TO CERTAIN ISSUES, BUT MAINLY BECAUSE OF MY STUPID OVERSIZED EGO.

There.

I FUCKING SAID IT.

Bring Christianity and Aboriginal Spirituality into the mix (see above: Destiny, Fate) and I was doomed from the start.

I RICKI LEED MYSELF. (Remember that from the first Aussie Idol? Everyone assumed that someone else would vote her, because everybody loved her, so in the end not enough people voted for her.) By assuming that I understood the world around me at different times, I have made stupid and self-destructive mistakes.

Having said that: I still maintain that I could have just gotten by – with a little more help from my friends. Or if certain JSPs would have done their job. I don't see how any of that was my call. But ultimately, I still would have gotten burnt out, I would just be a little more comfortable financially after 600 dollars a fucking night instead of fucking 100. Who knows? Perhaps I might not have even burnt out? Too late now though. When I quit facebook, it lightened my heart immeasurably, as I knew I could avoid everything about facebook which destroyed my good mood, everyday. Really, it should be called 'twofacebook', or 'behindyourbackbook', or 'bunchofsnobsbutalsosomeofyourfriendsbook'.

And I feel exactly the same about performing. I kind of wish I was still religious - purely so I could Thank God every day that I never have to do this horrid soul-destroying (for me) work ever ever again. As an Atheist there's nobody but me to thank, and I don't fucking deserve it because I made it happen in the first place. It's like I pushed myself into the water and let myself half-drown. I'm not being grateful for THAT.

And any of you pedo-apologists that think that God would have helped? I BEGAN this journey as a Hardcore Christian, and some of the places this journey has taken me is what made me lose my faith in the first place. When you're groomed for something by a church (that, in a bizarre twist of fate, actually wasn't 'child abuse' for once) AND an ancient religion, you tend to go along with it when you're a stupid kid, especially if it makes you feel good. Doesn't mean it's the truth for a second, though - just like all the other bullshit that the largest pedophile networks in the world peddles to us. Oh, sorry: 'Churches'.

OF COURSE I'M FUCKING 'BITTER MUCH'.

What a question!

**************************************************************

"...it had a been a lame fuckaround. A waste of time." - Hunter S. Thompson.

7. The actual reason: A question I asked myself recently.

 
“If I need to get a job to be able to share (or even effectively advertise) my performances, then why don't I just keep ALL the money from THAT job and quit performing, if performing isn't going to bring me the joy OR money that 25 years of effort would imply?”

And THAT question right there is the ACTUAL reason I no longer perform.

All the other stuff is part of it, sure – but this right here, this is the actual reason. The irony is palpable – I actually know how to go about it now. I just have no interest any more. I would be a pretty good manager for a new start-up artist at least – if I didn't think that was wildly irresponsible, I mean. It's not 1970 anymore. Music is not about music anymore. If it ever was.

Look at Justin Bieber – I'M SERIOUS. Here was a 14 year old kid who wrote heartbreaking songs and played them on YouTube just because he had the outlet to do so. He wasn't worried about audio quality, or branding, or any of that shit.

Now, years later, he's hated worldwide.

If he'd just stuck to YouTube and concentrated on writing soulful tunes, his career might have taken a different path. It also might not have gone anywhere. But he probably wouldn't be hated worldwide.

Actually, you know what? Forget EVERYTHING I just said in this entire post.

Because when I start looking to Justin Bieber to make sense of anything ever, THAT'S REASON ENOUGH TO QUIT PERFORMING FOREVER, because I have clearly LOST MY WAY.

Point is: Don't worry about me mate – I'm HAPPY AS FUCK in my new life. And for the record (because my initials are LP) I am still more than happy to do house parties, and perform for my FRIENDS.

Because, looking back, that's who my real fans always were: Friends who did support me. And if my lot in life is to perform for those who're worthy (i.e. not bigots etc.)? Well, I've already got my audience, haven't I? And it will be good to start downsizing my ego (now that I don't need it for performing), in line with my new life. It can only make me happier.

And the simple fact of the matter is this: 25 years is a fucking strong innings, even if I rarely kicked goals, and even if I mix my sports metaphors.

If nothing else, I at least showed determination. And THAT I can take pride in, if nothing else.

Sadly, it took more than I had. I can see that now. And I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made, because each time I either didn't know better (a kid believing religion) or felt forced to choose the lesser of two evils (choosing 'poor advertisement' over 'no advertisement').

But I didn't quit. That's SOMETHING.

Uh - until now, at least.

Wait, does that mean that I SHOULD feel bad? Because FUCK THAT SHIT.

This is how trying to organise a public gig with me goes now:

Me: I can't. I'm busy that night.
Them: I haven't told you the date yet.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty busy in general, what with also being a time traveller and part time ghost hunter.
Them: You don't need to be a dick about it.
Me: We'll see. How much were you going to pay me, exactly?
Them: BLAH BLAH BLAH A MERE PITTANCE (I don't even bother listening now)
Me: That's weird, I thought we weren't allowed to be dicks about this, but that amount is just plain offensive. See ya. DICK.
Them: MY NAME IS JANE (or whatever)
Me: Okay my bad, bye bye Dick, good luck hiring bums off the street for that amount of cash, or more likely a DJ.

Because I will force you to entertain me for free in that conversation, because fuck you and your offensive pittance, you fucking jobsnob. What? You won't hire me after that? Mate, YOUR loss, not mine. All I missed out on was getting ripped off. Let's see your fucking DJ write multiple songs on the spot with random patrons, thereby creating a memorable evening (Say the words 'Chaos In The Carpark' and 'MonkeyFishLove' to the old King of Burnie crew and they'll still wet themselves - true story). No, have fun dancing to stuff that's probably already in your damn iPod, and you're basically only paying the DJ to plug HIS iPod in and press fucking 'Play'. Or 'Shuffle' if he's one of the REALLY classy MP3 DJs.

I only know one person who actually spins disc, and therefore actually deserves to be called a DJ. And his named is Benny Bonsai, and you should hire HIM whenever you can because he GETS IT, MAN. 100% serious.

Anyway, this is how trying to organise a public gig with me is supposed to go:

Me: I can't. I'm busy that night
Them: You don't even know the date.
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty busy in general, what with also being a time traveller and part time ghost hunter.
Them: You don't need to be a dick about it.
Me: We'll see. How much were you going to pay me, exactly?
Them: Well, I'm paying for fucking 25 years worth of experience here, so let's haggle, motherfucker.

THAT'S THE CORRECT RESPONSE. (Curse words are optional though.)

Guess how many times I've heard it?

Actually, ONCE is the answer. And they got one of the best gigs I ever gave.

So, now I have one gig left on the books, ever. It's at the (removed) in (removed) in about 2 weeks, and it will be a fucking corker gig which I will enjoy, which is the only reason I didn't cancel it on general principle. After that, I'm DONE. I am divorced from performing, I am an ex-performer, it is part of my past.

(UPDATE: In a turn of events that probably surprises absolutely nobody, that gig was cancelled by the client. In the past I would have looked for another gig on that night. Now, I'm considering buying a cigar.)

People always think they're special. That the rules don't apply to them. Some people will still ask me if I will do a public gig. And I will quote Hunter S. Thompson when I reply:

"Fuck no! Not today, thank you kindly."

(Liam S Padmore still does house gigs and charity work for people who aren't jobsnobs, bigots of any stripe, or pedophile apologizers. Contact him today (if you're reading this, you probably know how) if you would like his services, or even just some free music/performance advice. But if you're going to ask him about doing any other type of public performance after you've read this, well...frankly, you deserve everything he says to you, but you should probably hang up or leave the area very quickly if you don't like 'negativity'.)

#6 - Legendary: A quandry.

Steve Jobs. Walt Disney. Adolf Hitler. What do all these people have in common?

History remembers them as being 'Great men' who achieved great things, but the people who had to work directly with them remember them differently than we do.

(For the record, I also would have accepted: "They're in that picture up there.")

REGARDING HITLER: Some people would state that Hitler was not a 'Great man'. That is the very essence of this article. Certainly, he was a terrible person with horrific worldviews - but he was still a Great man. See, 'Great' in this context doesn't mean 'awesome' or 'admirable'. It simply means 'large, or massive'. That's why WWI was called the 'Great War', back in the day - it would be the same as calling a war a 'Mass War' nowadays. Or a 'World War', you see? Not an 'awesome and fun' war - but a huge and gigantic one, larger than had ever been seen before on Earth. This is the context (and dare I say, the only one) in which Hitler can be called a 'Great man' - he influenced world events on a large scale, larger than most men do.

Now that we're satisfied that we're not being tricked into reading an anti-semitic diatribe, let's continue on.

"I'm Mel Gibson, and contrary to popular belief: I'm fine with that."

This article will be a study of Greatness. Fame is fleeting (just ask Mara Wilson), but to aspire to Greatness is to aspire to be Legendary. The concept of Legend is the closest thing that we currently have to actual immortality . Some might say "My soul is immortal" (for whatever reason), this is a personal choice. But it's not something we can actually work with, is it? We don't ask murdered people how they died, for instance. It's simply just not practical. No matter how much you believe in an afterlife (which is, of course, your right), this article is mainly concerned with things that we can notice and see (and therefore test) for ourselves. If you already think you're right, you'll not be open to new and more modern ideas.

Now that we're satisfied that fey esoterica will not be our framework, let's continue on.

For instance, some people believe that Unicorn Fish are real.
What a bunch of chumps.

This is the way in which I mean that immortality can be found in Legend - it sure can't be found in a manner that lets you survive AND interact with others. People do not forget you when you're Legend - that's kind of the definition of it. We might like the theme music to our favourite TV show, but we don't know who wrote it usually, unless we research it. (Also, the answer is probably Danny Elfman.) We may not actually approve of Hitler's actions when he was alive - but we know his name, because he is a Legendary figure. A figurehead. A moral marker (as in a 'line to never cross again') in the world. A great man.

We may not approve of him, but we know his name. People sometimes say: "I would kill to be famous". That's not how fame works. Killing gains you 'infamy', not 'fame'. We know Hitler's name, but when is Hitler Day? We don't celebrate his 'greatness', we merely learn from it. Sadly, some of us also use it as justification for lazy thinking about 'Ze Germans': 

"You're German. I just assumed you hated Jews and Blacks, because I get my thoughts from stuff that happened 80 years ago. Sorry about that! Let me buy you a beer. Um...so what do Germans drink? Heineken? No? Heineken are Dutch? DON'T SO BE DIFFICULT! Shut up and have a Fosters like all us Aussies do."

(See what I did there?)

In their song 'Just A Man', Faith No More tells us that Man:

"...was born to love - 

Though often he has sought 

Like Icarus, to fly too high -  

And far too lonely than he ought 

To kiss the sun of east and west 

And hold the world at his behest - 

To hold the terrible power 

To whom only gods are blessed - 

But me, I am just a man."

"...the terrible power to whom only gods are blessed..." - I think that says it all.

Mike Patton: ACTUAL God of Vocals

On the same album/release 'King For A Day', the song 'Star AD' Tells us that:

"...dying is dry - 

like a fact of history 

And when you die, you'll become 

something worse than dead -

You'll become 

A Legend."

Worse than dead - A Legend!

Why is being a Legend worse than being dead? Because we all treat 'legends' differently. Some of us hate because of legends, some of us love because of legends. It's ultimately a personal thing.

Judging by this picture, I would guess that Cpt. Cook was also a pimp.

The Legend of Captain Cook.

When I was at school, I was told that Captain Cook came over here with his ships, and colonized Australia. This completely floored me (having been raised as an Aboriginal due to my racial heritage) because it made no sense at all. Here is a man that I was raised to believe was an Evil man, who led a pack of invaders with superior technology, to crush anything in their path and take any land that they could.

The thing is: These viewpoints are both correct AND true (assuming we remove the word 'Evil'). Sorry, but the First Fleet wasn't invited here (FACT),  Aboriginals were only recently allowed to even vote (FACT), and Aboriginals are STILL barely considered in the Australian Constitution (FACT). If you don't think that qualifies as 'invasion', then feel free to show me where I'm wrong. But it ultimately doesn't matter if we agree, it only matters that we understand each other.

Can I point out that we're having this conversation in English, because you live in Australia and don't speak any Aboriginal at all, even though many of us feel that 'people who come here should learn the language?' No? Because your ancestors are a Special Case? Okay, never mind then, Mr/s 'Special Case'. Whatever you say.

(Convict Descendants are the only ones who get a free pass here, for obvious reasons. If you were bought here as a kid, you've had your whole life to learn it. How'd you go?)

I really am sorry if you're offended by this, but like I say: FACTS. Also "Not your fault." But mainly: FACTS.
Having said that: We all have the right to live somewhere on Earth, surely.
THAT'S where I'm at personally - just sayin': You can't pretend this shit didn't happen, or we don't get to learn from it.

Point is: Depending on your view point, you may think of Captain Cook as a Hero or a Villain but his Legend exists - you can't argue with THAT. Which is actually kind of stupid - because he's recent enough that we don't NEED a legend - we have actual facts about his life.

When I found out (because researching things isn't illegal or even immoral, regardless of how scared people seem to be of it) that Cpt Cook actually didn't agree with his mission, but still did it anyway, I began to think of him less as an 'Invader', and more of a cog in the wheel, and man of duty/honour. THIS is why one could say that being a legend is worse than being dead - because simply 'being dead' will not create issues like this. Being a Legend means you're a figurehead, a moral marker.

Let me put it another way: Do any of us honestly believe that Jesus, as we understand him to be, would actually be happy with all the things done in his name?

Jesus, on the New Zealand leg of his world tour.

Of course not.

He'd be disgusted at the way we treat outsiders in general, because those were the people he hung out with. They were his friends. The 12 Disciples weren't all rich folk. Think on that, and realise that if he came back, you might not even hear of it - because of how we've used his words to justify evil behaviour in the past. Also, because we're just plain selfish now.

Exhibit A: The Good Samaritan.

Exhibit B: Current Australian Immigration laws.

I rest my case.

(If this doesn't do it for you, realise that us Westerners are bombing the living daylights out the areas in which he lived. That's probably not a good look for us, eh?)

The way I see it there are two main problems in the world, when it comes to perceptions of Great people:

1) We don't have Great men anymore. We have Philanthropic Entrepeneurs, or Dictators. We choose fame over ability. Think of a world famous musician. Now think of a world famous neurosurgeon. Which one saves more lives, and is of actual worth to society? Not the one you thought of, most likely. I know I didn't. Hell, I don't even know the names of ANY neurosurgeons.

2) The fact that the phrase "Great woman" sounds weird is just plain old sexist. We can discuss all the reasons why this is, but none of them explain why we can't change this in the future. It only sounds weird because we don't use it enough.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THESE TWO PROBLEMS?

Nothing, really. Just think about them. That's all we actually can do for now, I think. If you can think of a way to change stuff without being a dick about it, let me know. Because I sure can't.

Which I'm fine with, because I feel that the answers aren't anywhere near as important as the questions, at this stage.

This is pretty heavy stuff, so here is a picture of a kitten:

"Meow." - Fluffy, yesterday

I've been Paddy, and hope to remain that way for some time. NO PROMISES though.

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Tasmania-based madman who is probably old enough to know better, but whatever.)

Luck Of The Irish #2: "Epic Quinning!" - Starring David Quinn (as himself)

Luck Of The Irish #2:

"Epic Quinning!"

***Foreword***

Welcome again, to another Luck Of The Irish interview. I know it's been a while since the last one, so I'll skip all this intro guff, and get straight into another intro. Because that's how I roll.

But beforehand, please let me thank the very excellent Joffre St Productions for allowing me to use some of their fine pictures of David Quinn. I urge anyone who needs any photography work done to contact them, as they are both approachable and professional. Which is a heady mix of awesome ingredients, I'm sure you'll agree. 

*********************************************

David Quinn: Creator/Promoter/Thespian/Artist/Writer/MC/Podcaster/etc.

I wouldn't mind him doing all those things and making me look lazy by comparison
if he would just have the good grace to suck at AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.

David Quinn – how do I describe him?

I think the phrase “Modern Bard” would do well, although I'm leaning towards “Geek Philosopher”.

Damn, that's funny.

Because Greek Philosophy is a thing, and 'Greek' sounds like 'geek', see?

Now, Quinny wouldn't make that mistake – explain a joke. Because (unlike me) he understands how comedy actually works.

Okay, the best place to start would be to find his online whatever-ography and...

Wait. That CAN'T be right. Nothing?

Maybe I should stop using his middle name and searching for 'David Anthony Quinn', because I'm just getting Google hits of some black and white pictures of some actor guy who I think might have been a time-travelling George Clooney:

That's the great actor Anthony Quinn, that is.

Well, like they say in Journalism School - well, 'probably say'. I didn't go to one. Unbelievable, I know. You can tell if you look hard enough though, because fragmented sentences.

Ahem:

“If the thing you're trying does not fit,

just type in Lorem Ipsum or some other shit.”

(I clearly have no idea what Journalism School would actually be like.)

So let's ask the man himself about his lack of an online (COUGH)-ography. And other things.

(Note to self: find out what the damn word actually IS. Which'll be hard, because he does it all. He acts in adverts. He does voice-over work. He acts in plays, and sometimes directs them. He does live podcasts. He draws. The reason that you're bored – the reason that there's nothing to do around here – is probably because Quinny already did it! Except it doesn't actually work like that, but whatever.)

(Further note to self: stop using notes to self as actual content. And look up that damn word already!)

(Author's Note: Look, just use the phrase “Author's Note” to make a comment. And the word you're looking for is technically 'webography', because you're looking for his bibliography on the internet. But you should just use the word 'bibliography', because people actually know what that word means already.)


(Note to self: okay, thanks. I thought that 'biblography' just meant the books you'd written.)

(Author's Note: Yes, that's a common misconception. Did you want to maybe continue with the interview now? This intercourse is quickly becoming stale.)

(Note to self: that's what the nun said to th-)

(Author's Note: JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!)

 *********************************************

 

Uh - “Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you the cosmic-scale awesomeness wrapped in a human body that is: L'artiste d'excellence, David Quinn!”

(“L'artiste d'excellence” may not be an actual French phrase, I don't know - but I think someone as artistic as Quinny needs to have some French in their intro, and the only real French I actually know is 'Avec Pour', 'Crème De Menthe', and 'Zoot Alors', because I'm low-class riff raff.)




I totally know heaps about French Food, though.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luck Of The Irish #2:

"Epic Quinning!"

Starring David Quinn (as himself)



David Quinn: Creator/Promoter/Eye-Seducer.

(More excellent work from Joffre St Productions, who clearly have more headshot win than a robotic sniper)

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 ) When I looked for your body of work online I couldn't find it. I did, however, find heaps of stuff about classic film actor Anthony Quinn.

Were you named after him?

A ) “Yes. Yes, I was. Much to my parents chagrin in later life when I became an actor! I blame them. They haven’t worked out that all the money I have ever needed to support my thespianic lifestyle was indirectly their fault. They should have stuck with Harley.”

(Author's Note: 'Chagrin' is an awesome word, and not enough people use it.)

2 ) What's your official job title, and what duties does it involve?

A ) “I would struggle to work out what my job title should be…

I do so many different things on a day to day basis. Actor, Producer, Editor, Writer, Artist, Director, Graphic Designer, Voice Talent, Location Scout, Location Manager, Production Assistant, Casting Agent….

The list is in many ways endless. And it all depends on what job I’m working on at the time. I literally just did an audition for a voice role in a film promo. Then I’ll have to edit some voice over for a corporate video I’m re-editing. Before that I was procrastinating by doing some art. (Which one day maybe I’ll try to sell…) Not long after that I will need to edit the video I shot yesterday for a school production about bullying.

In the next couple of weeks I’ll need to finish the video’s film some more for a client. Start the auditions for Grease a big budget musical that I’m directing and get ready for a 7 week trip to the US of A! Oh I also work as an MC for Supanova, the countries biggest pop culture expo, and I help maintain their website.

So…

Yeah…

I guess I’m a Creator. With many many strings to many many bows….”



Strings...Bows...
Is he trying to tell us he's the real life Arrow, as well as all that other stuff?
That would certainly explain the f*ck out of this picture.

3 ) Did you always want to be an actor/producer?

A ) “No, never had a clue what I wanted to be. I guess I always knew I wanted to draw, but my life has been a long journey of discovery. To finding out what it is that I love more than anything else, and what I can do better than other people. I can trace some paths, but I never ever had a plan. I have all but stumbled into every good thing I have been a part of and I honestly can attribute a huge amount of my journey to either luck or divine providence… and as I don’t do the “god” thing… I’m going with incomprehensible universal forces.”

4 ) How did you begin working in media?

A ) “It was a slippery slope: up until the end of year 12 I had been a visual artist (with a bit of writing thrown in), but then I needed a change so I became involved in theatre. I found myself drawn more and more to acting, and it excited me in a way that art never had: It was instant gratification. So I went to university and studied acting and drama, during which I did a lot of plays and an occasional short film. I was always interested in the technical side of stuff with computers etc., as well…

After that degree I was a bit lost and found myself drawn to doing a course at TAFE in screen studies, which is where I realized I had always wanted to be. In that I found a mentor in Koos Roets, a South African director who had hundreds of TV episodes under his belt and nearly 40 feature films. I went to South Africa with him and learnt a great deal in that time. Since then I have been a teacher of media, I have made numerous short films, web series’ corporate videos, commercials, and the like and been a part of promotions for major feature films and small indie releases.”





I don't have a witty caption for this picture.
I just really wanted to use it. I mean, look at it. It's awesome.

 

5 ) What challenges have you faced in your career as a Creator/Promoter?

A ) “Making ends meet usually is the biggest one. As you never know where the next job is going to come from you can never really plan on anything. Maybe you’ll get a huge job that pays thousands of dollars. Or maybe you won’t. That’s probably the biggest thing. Yeah there are lots of little things every day that are challenges. Trying to maintain creativity, keeping yourself motivated and on task is hard when you’re your own boss… but usually the ever present threat of homelessness and foodless is enough to keep me working.

I guess the other one is acceptance, that 'Yes, it is a real thing I do'. It may look for all the world like I am sitting on facebook a lot, but it's WHILE the video renders. Its while I am doing something else as well. And when I do work it's intense and creative and requires a lot of thought. I may be shooting mini documentaries for an award show that require me to travel all over the state, conduct interviews and piece together a cohesive story about a person’s life that lasts less than 4 minutes, all while on the road and alone. Its hard to convince folks that what you do is really real. Until you can show them the fruits of your labours.

In some ways it makes me long for the days when I was teacher. People understood that.”

(Author's Note: Using facebook while your art renders is an excellent use of creative downtime. You're connecting with people and being approachable, and you can work on your marketing/networking while you're at it.

For instance, I use facebook while my different song tracks are rendering. It is working, but Quinny's right – it doesn't look like it, especially to practical-minded people. That's the nature of the beast, I guess.)



Speaking of The Beast: Did you know that The Beast from the X-Men was an Avenger once?
Also, The Avengers' plane is called the Quinnjet.

(Truly, I am the master of 'things that are nearly relevant.')

 

6 ) What personal attributes/quirks have benefited you in your career?

A ) “Sense of humor and the ridiculous. I think my particular brand of humor has done more for me than anything else. I mean, it's not my looks, it's not my fashion sense, it’s the wit that gets me through. A sly smile at the right time will make anyone feel a bit better to be around you.

Also being garrulous and outgoing really helps a lot. I make friends pretty easily and more of my work has come form people liking me than any other area. If they like you, know you and trust you they will usually want to work with you.

My voice has also been a boon to me. It’s something that, as a child, I would have been told off for, but has since been of great use to me. Mimicry and silly voices were always a passion of mine and I would play sounds back in my head to try to make them work with my voice… now I occasionally get paid to do just that!

My love of art and drawing has let me do a lot of things too, and a reasonable eye for what Is visually interesting… But that’s something I guess you can be taught. What’s intrinsically me that has gotten me here? A cheeky grin and a dopey joke.”

7 ) Which media is your favourite to perform for, and why?

A ) “Hmmmm. Tricky. I love audio as its not fettered by any constraints of reality. I can be an old man, a young boy and crazy whacked out super hero in a single recording session and it all comes down to what I can make my voice do.

I love performing on stage. It gives you immediate feedback and a feeling of connection with your audience that is unparalleled but it also limits you as to what you can be cast as. I will forever be the comedy guy, the lovable side-kick, the buffoon. Because that’s the looks I can pull off. MAYBE a villain depending. But in animation, in audio I can be ANYTHING. And that excites me no end! Unlimited potential.

I also love writing for the same reason. I can write scenes for hundreds of battle cruisers and giant battles. Deeply complex and emotional scenes, ridiculous and over the top comedy… and it all happens on a page. Or in someone’s mind. That’s a media I love. I like film too, but it’s a very slow moving industry and can be pretty tiring and soul crushing.”



Is he Villain or Hero? Will he smash the world, or rebuild it?

Wait, that doesn't actually work, if you think about it.
Never mind.

(I also put an in-joke in there for Quinny. Enjoy, big guy.)



8 ) In your opinion, how has The Internet impacted the entertainment industry?

A ) “It's forced the industry to move at a different pace. Suddenly the world got a lot smaller and things could be accessed immediately. You could let things slide and trust that it will be fine in a few months when it finally gets to the other side of the planet. Now people know if your film is a flop, all over the world in a matter of hours.

There are so many great articles about the leveling of the playing field but Patton Oswald wrote two letters recently that summed up a lot of the changes in the world of entertainment. One was to the creators and the other was to the “gate keepers” as he called them. The people who traditionally held the gates to fame and fortune and only let in the people who did all the right steps and made all the right moves. He told them that they needed to evolve or get out of the way. Look at the music industry, digital distribution changed the face of how we think of music. How we consume it; how we seek it out. Fame and best-seller lists became meaningless.

It’s the same for other forms of entertainment. The concept of TV is changing so rapidly that nobody knows how to keep up with it. Now anyone with a modicum of talent can make pretty solid looking entertainment, get it up online and get a following. Give it a kickstarter and suddenly folks are getting paid by the viewers to provide the content they love. Web series like “Nuka Break” and “Shelf Life” are prime examples. As long as they produce good content, fans will keep paying money to see the next season.

It's scary because nobody knows the rules really. Who owns these things? What happens when the fan film is more popular than the feature property its based on? Look at the Mortal Kombat franchise. It's had feature films, TV shows, cartoons, games galore, but a fan produced film lead to a web series which has since gotten a second season and netted the director of the series the job of directing the next feature film?! There is not a single “gate keeper” alive who would have guessed things would go that way! And yet it has…

Evolve or die.”




"Wait, did you say you're the Gate-Keeper? I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!"

9 ) How'd you become involved in stage work?

A ) “The desire to meet girls.

No, really.

One of my mates said, “Hey, come work on a play, there will be girls there”. I went. He lied. It was a sausage fest. But as I sat in the wings looking at the people out on stage acting away I realized that I couldn’t be backstage again. I needed to try to be out there. So I did.

After mucking about in it for a year my boss at the time said “You have some talent you should learn how to do it properly” and pushed me to audition for Uni. Now fifteen years later I can honestly say it was the best decision I’ve ever been pushed into!”

 

 

The desire to meet girls is nothing to be ashamed of, although it can be possible to overthink things.



10 ) You're going to direct Grease soon. How is directing different from acting?

A ) “It’s a very different skill-set. Directing is about managing people and in some ways manipulating them to think that they are having your amazing ideas (I kid). But it's all about managing a team, especially on a show as big as this!

Its about working with the choreographer to make the dances feel like they fit the characters. Making the acting flow into the music and singing. Meeting with the music department to make sure that they are getting the time they need to make things sound amazing, while at the same time balancing out the rehearsals so the acting gets its shot and the dancing isn’t under cooked. It’s a logistics challenge really. Whereas acting is a lot more cerebral and about finding the character; the voice… and remembering the lines!

I love doing both but one is certainly a bigger job!”

11 ) When you were in College, you were in a social group called "Mutant Hamsters From Mars", who would do things like 'stage impromptu Monty Python skits' or 'organise marshmallow-throwing flash mobs'.

That sounds like fun. Care to elaborate?

A ) “I do believe it was actually the Psychedelic Hamsters (Author's Note: Oops). But yes, I played with them and had a ball. Daniel Flewellyn and Martin Bennet, though there were others before us. Martin was really the ringleader…. In fact my time was kind of a second generation thing. A renaissance of stupidity, if you will. Singing silly songs, making the place a bit more interesting.

Sometimes it was utterly puerile but damn it we laughed! It was lovely to be a part of something! And now I think back… yes! They were almost flash mobs or almost performance art pieces! Utterly bizarre. Completely unsanctioned. Totally silly. Just what all good teenagers should be.

I do believe Padge was a hamster too… he certainly had a picture! Dreadlocks and all!”

(Author's Note: Padge was my old nickname, but I changed it because it rhymed with something that was too easy to make fun of. Also, I had blonde dreadlocks in college. If you know me personally or have ever seen a picture of me, your mind probably just blew up. Sorry about that. But enough about me: back to Our Man Quinn.)

12 ) Nowadays, because it's your job, you go to Supanova and interview world-famous stars like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Both at the same time, no less! Some people might find that intimidating.

You're still a fan, but now you're part of the entertainment industry as well. Is it still fun? Why/Why not?

Quinny with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost at Supanova '11.

(I don't have the heart to make a joke about this. Or the balls. Or the brains.)

A ) “The moment it stops being fun will be the moment I need to stop doing it. It’s a job, true. But it's one of the best jobs in the world. And make no mistake - it's physically and mentally hard work. It’s a lot of running and standing. Time management and crowd control are hugely important too. It can be intimidating as hell! Facing down a crowd of a couple of thousand people and knowing it's your job to keep them happy until the “talent” arrives is scary.

 

But it's also a rush - and yeah, you get to meet (ever so briefly) some of the people you look up to and respect. I’ve been lucky to make some amazing friends through it, with people I have loved the work of since my childhood.

 

I call the guy (Noah Hathaway) who played Atreyu in The Neverending Story, “brother” now! As a child I loved that film more than anything and looked up to him as a hero! What is not to love about that?!



It was either this picture, or the one in the Swamps of Sadness.

You know the one.

You're welcome.

I am on the periphery of it. I orbit around the stars. But still hope to one day go a bit supanova myself and become someone that others are there to see. And not just a gate keeper…. Hehe.”



"Repetition is an important factor in comedy, as is subtelty."

13 ) Are there any famous people (or any of your idols) that you'd like to meet and still haven't?

A ) “Sadly many of them are dying these days. I’d have loved to meet Jim Henson, or Stan Lee (no he’s still kicking, but its getting less likely all the time) but I guess the thing I’ve realized is that meeting them is all about making them human.

 

You learn that they can be grouchy or tired, and while they are funny and wonderful they are also just as human as you. So I don’t know who I’d like to meet. Maybe one of the Doctors… or Steven Moffat… I’d LOVE to spend a few hours in that guys brain! I’d enjoy hanging out with Neil Gaiman. Or spending time with Terry Pratchett before he is too far gone with his awful illness.

 

These days its more about creators than stars…though Jennifer Connelly… Labyrinth… Rocketeer. Still the most beautiful woman alive I say. But then what do you say to her? 'Hi. You’re stunning. How are the kids?' ”




"The kids are great, and thanks for the compliment.
Hey, wait a second - aren't you the guy from that ad? I loved that ad!"

 

(Author's Note: There are 14 questions and not my traditional (so far) 13. The reason for this is quite simple: In addition to jokes, I also don't understand how maths or thematics work. I could just edit/cut it out, but I really like his answer. And I have the keyboard. Bwahahaha etc.)

14 ) You've done a whole bunch of stuff. You MC at Supanova, You've got the Live webshow at CoolShite.net you're acting in awesome comedy clips, you're directing Grease for the ENCORE Theatre company - and so on.

 

AWESOME COMEDY CLIPS.

Is your body of work not online because you're ridiculously prolific and by the time you've finished writing it down, you need to start all over again because you've done something else?

A ) “My body of work is not online because I never figured anyone would be interested to know about it. I know it, a few folks have seen the things I’ve done. But in the end I just figured that who would care what I’ve done?

I have recently gotten a deviant art page up and running so at the very least people can see some of my artworks… but yeah…

I guess the other part of it is that so much of what I’ve done is ephemeral. Theatre is fleeting. You rehearse for 8 weeks and then do 4 shows and its done. The few hundred people who saw it will maybe remember it. Maybe there's a video of it? Maybe not…

Podcasts are there forever, but who goes back to listen to a review of a film from 7 years ago? This is what I want to change. I want to create things that people can hold, and watch over and over again. Things that they can read. Or enjoy. Not based off anyone else’s works - not reviews of the work of other artists, but something original and new.

Hopefully then I can gather a body of work and be able to point at it when I’m dying and say. 'I did that. Wasn’t it silly?' ”

Awesome. Thanks Quinny. :)
 

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That was (at least) 13 questions, and that's the Luck Of The Irish for now.

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So, what have we learnt from David Quinn, folks?

Personally speaking, I learnt that my memory sucks (Mutant Hamsters From Mars? REALLY?). And that Quinny is even more active than I originally thought. And also that the word 'garrulous' exists.

But the main thing I got from the interview – or 'Quinnterview', as I've been calling it inside my head - is this: David Quinn is a man at peace with his place in the world who understands that fame is both a goal and a dream.

(As the saying should go: “Fame is up to the audience, not the artist – all the artist can do is have the art available”. But it's not a saying, because it's way too long.)

Because Quinny has played to his strengths, this has sadly resulted in a lack of what you might call 'artistic proof'. Being an Artist/Creator is weird, because you don't have a resume, as such – you only have your body of works. And if your body of works is related to mainly live performances, then you'll end up wondering where the years went and why you didn't start to get your artistic portfolio/resume/CV/whatever together sooner.

Or maybe I'm just projecting there, I don't know: I'm mostly known for my live music performances, if at all. I do know that that's a pretty bizarre quirk of the entertainment industry on a grass roots level, though. I've found that there really is no business like show business, in that regard.

Anyway - thank goodness for random people who record stuff on their phones, I say.

Quinny has worked very hard to achieve his goals - but he's also remembered to smell the roses along the way. That's a very important balancing act, right there. And a very difficult one, in my experience. Western Culture is very goal-oriented, and often the idea of making entertainment your day job can frighten otherwise talented people into social submission. Which is a shame, even if unavoidable. Perhaps Quinny doesn't have his hand in so many pies just because he likes to - perhaps they all add up to an actual income. That's why piracy is wrong, in my eyes. Not the cartoon kind, or space pirates - they're both awesome. I mean the kind that makes people unemployed.

But 'Our Man Quinn' appears to be winning at this. Or 'Quinning', you might say if you were awesome like me. Which you are. So you should probably say it. Like, right now. Or maybe later, if you like. Your call.

He's also a very modest person, which I totally would not be if I were rubbing shoulders with famous people. I'd be all like “I'll have a cappuccino, thanks” whenever anyone spoke to me who wasn't as rich and famous as me. Also, I'd buy a monocle. And maybe a yacht. And then make a sex tape. Actually, I've already done one of those. But all the others, totally.

"I NEVER WANTED A PONY BEFORE - BUT NOW I MUST HAVE ONE, BY JOVE!"

And he's not perfect. He's human, too - he gets upset, he gets angry, he loses hope sometimes, and once he even drew my attention to the fact that I shouldn't be questioning him about how he 'could just kill a man'. No, wait – that was Cypress Hill. Never mind.

He's also genuinely funny both on and off of the stage, and an awesome person to take to a barbecue. Because then - even though he's the funny one - you get the credit for bringing him. AWESOME. Damn, I love being Australian sometimes.

************************************************************

This isn't supposed to sound like a David Quinn appreciation document – but do you know what?

If that's how you perceive it, I'm fine with that.

“Why's that, Paddy?” I hear you ask.

(Which freaks me out, because you're nowhere near me right now, and get out of my head, damn it.)

I'll tell you why:

Because all his art, and reviews, and dopey jokes, and voice acting, and general tomfoolery, and being on ads, and pre-internet flashmobbing and awesome profile pictures, and all those things like that?

They didn't just appear out of thin air. They're made. That's why they're called 'works' and not 'plays'. Except for the theatrical performances actually called 'plays', of course. But that doesn't count, because it doesn't fit in with what I said.

Because when you understand - and are thankful for - the fact that you have a job doing something that truly interests you, it means that you understand how the world works.

Because I think I'm funny, but Quinny actually is.

Because when you imagine yourself using the phrase 'Wasn't it silly?' on your deathbed, then you've already won at life itself.

That's why.

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Tasmanian-based human male with a terrible memory, and an even worse fashion sense. I mean, come on now. A monocle? REALLY? Really? Okay, wow. Just – WOW. Damn, man.)