#3 - Doctor Zoidberglove (Or "How I Learnt To Stop Worrying And Love My Anonymity.")

"That's what I'm talking about." - Dr Zoidberg, from the TV show 'Futurama'

Howdy, folks – Paddy here again. I hope you're all in fine health. :)

Today I'm going to use my powers for evil, and talk about wrestling.

I mean the Professional Wrestling (like the WWF), not Freestyle Wrestling (old-school Greek/Roman style.)

(And in case my buddy Krusty is reading: Detso Ritter's style is technically called 'Solo Freestyle'. You're welcome.)

I remember when I first started watching wrestling. I soon grew to love the whole vibe of it, the action figures, and - being an '80s male - the sheer macho cheesiness of it.

Now, for those of you who don't know anything about wrestling, let me explain a few things about it for you. Wrestling only really has 2 rules:

1) Don't leave the combat area or you forfeit the match.

2) To win, pin the back of your opponents (or opponents') shoulders to the ground while the referee counts to 3.

Rule 1 is often ignored for the sake of entertainment, and Rule 2 is the only thing held sacred in wrestling. When they want to show in a storyline that a referee is corrupt, they just get him to break Rule 2. I believe that Wrestlemania IV had an excellent example of this.

Apart from that, wrestling is basically the real-life version of superhero comics:

- There are Heroes and Villains

- There are bizarre costumes (often with masks)
- It's mostly an excuse to watch adults punch each other
- Most characters have a 'Motif'. Batman with his bats, Hillbilly Jim with his... uh... Hillbilliness? Hickitude? Redneckosity? Whatever, you get the idea.

Okay, so - we now have a very basic idea of the whole wrestling thing.

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Now, have you ever seen a movie called 'The Princess Bride'?

If you haven't, then GO AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!

(No, I'm not joking. Yes, I'll wait. (2+ hours later) How'd you go? Yes, that WAS the guy out of 'Saw' when he was younger. Is that all you got from it? SHEESH.)

Anyway, Fezzik - the giant? He was a wrestler who went by the name of 'Andre The Giant', and he sadly passed away quite some time ago. He features as a 'misunderstood/manipulated monster' type of Villain in our story. And the Hero? Only HULK HOGAN.

(If you don't know who that is, he's like a white Mr T. And for those of you who don't know who that is, well - imagine that Hulk Hogan is like Chuck Norris's crazy uncle. And to everyone who already knew who he was, and just pictured Hulk Hogan as Chuck Norris's crazy uncle: "NOW YOU WILL NEVER UNSEE IT. You're welcome.")

Okay, so - the Hulk and Andre are squaring off in the wrestling ring - which is actually a square and not a ring at all (hence my puntastic opening to this current sentence). At one point, Andre has the Hulkster locked into a Full Nelson (which means that Hulk can't use his arms) and he starts pushing Hulk to the ground, so the ref can start counting down*. But Hulk struggles to get up, and he can't. Then he tries to get up again, but this time he's looking at the audience, trying to wave his hands to get them to make some noise. Eventually, the commentator ('Like' this post if you remember Mean Gene Okerland!) just says straight out over the loudspeaker: "Hulk Hogan is trying to get everybody to make some noise - maybe he is able to draw some type of strength from their cheers!"

The weird thing is, I can't remember what happens after that. You would think that that would be the important part. The payoff. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent sure that it even was Andre The Giant. I mean, in my head it is - but mainly I just wanted to plug 'The Princess Bride' because I think it's the second greatest movie ever made.

(I think that Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth' is the greatest movie ever made.)

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Anyway - here's what I do remember:

Dad: That's genius.

Me: What is?

Dad: That story there. He's getting the audience involved. That's great showmanship.

Me: Umm... It's not a story, Dad.

Dad. Yes it is, Boy.

(That was his nickname for me, you see - possibly because I was a young male human. But I digress.)

Me: But they didn't, like, just sit down and write these moves out and practise them.

Dad: ...

Me: Did they?

Dad: Let me put it like this, Boy - you need to understand that that stuff they're doing is really very dangerous. If they don't land right, or they punch someone in the wrong place, or whatever, then they could be in hospital for weeks. The stuff that those guys are doing is the same type of stuff that Olypmic Gymnasts get gold medals for. And fit? You'd need to be in damn good shape.

Me: I don't get it. Wouldn't their bosses find out, and fire them?

Dad: No, the bosses are in on it too. But it's not a big conspiracy or anything, though. Let me put it another way: wrestling isn't about fighting. It's about dancing in a way that looks really tough. It's about the show, not the battle. The battle IS the show. That's WHERE this type of wrestling came from - travelling carnivals, things like that.

Me: So, when a wrestler lifts another wrestler over his head before he bodyslams him, that's just an act? Like, a dancer lifting another dancer? They aren't two enemies, they're two friends?

Dad: Well, more like two guys who work together than 'friends', but yes.

Me: But doesn't that make it a lie?

Dad: Do you think a movie is a lie? Do you think Angus Young** walks around all day in a schoolboy outfit?

Me: No? Yes? No. That's a weird question, Dad. It's like a lie, but it's okay because it's one that we want to be told.

Dad: Same thing with wrestling, Boy.

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"Same thing with wrestling, Boy.", says Dad.

And in that moment, my view of the entire world changed.

Because it wasn't a lie, was it? It was a beautiful, beautiful truth. It didn't destroy the magic – it upgraded it.

In my young eyes, that statement instantly evolved wrestling from 'a childish and violent sport' into 'a majestic and wonderful kingdom of awesome combat gymnasts'. Like an entire industry of non-asiatic Jackie Chans, you might say. If you were awesome, like me. Which you are.

And that's what showbiz is all about - because that's what life is all about. Not so much a lie, but a mystery.

A large part of the human experience revolves around teaching and storytelling, for instance. The best lessons and stories– the ones we tend to remember the most – are the ones that make us curious. That sense of mystery doesn't just keep boredom at bay, but it also serves as a fantastic incentive for artists to create, and for consumers to buy.

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Do you know what the most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time currently is?

(No, it's not Game Of Thrones. That's the second most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time.)

You didn't need to know before I asked, did you?
And now you're (probably at least a little bit) curious.
How does that work? Why do you care now, but not before you read it?

Well, if I could work out the answer to that, I would just keep on doing it and start charging you money for it. Isn't that what storytelling - and by extension, entertainment - is all about?

Consider this: Justin Bieber is a storyteller. You may not like his stories, or the way he puts them across, but you can't deny that is what he is doing – communicating feelings and/or ideas through expressive vocalization – is a form of storytelling.

So why is it that he's famous and (insert your favourite artist HERE) isn't?

Because Mike Patton (if you picked another favourite artist then that's just plain wrong) doesn't have as many fans prepared to throw money at him as Bieber does. I'm sorry, but that's the actual answer. It always comes back to cash. Skill, talent, and dedication can only enter you in the lottery of success – they cannot help you rig it. Luck and charisma are probably more important than intelligence and endurance.

So, I guess it all boils down to a simple idea:

It is the fans that make you a celebrity - if you don't have fans, then you aren't a celebrity. They give you the amount of attention required for the glamour of celebrity, you might say (and indeed, I just did). The more fans you have, the more eyes are directed at you. And the more eyes are on you, the more chances you have to mess it all up. Once you have success, then maintaining the success itself becomes your actual job.

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So, there's the good news: It's not all bad at the bottom. There are huge benefits to your anonymity:

- You can make your art in the exact way that you want to – you don't have to think about sponsors, or agents, or even the public. You can afford to experiment, and to create your works at your own pace.

- When you make a mistake in life, it doesn't result in you being ridiculed throughout the entire world.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying jingle that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying pop song that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person with that retarded film clip on YouTube'.

So, I'd like to say something to everyone who has ever bared their soul to other humans in the name of art: if you ever felt unrecognised then please know that I wrote the ridiculously overworded text below for you.

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“To the starving artist who is worried she might be crazy,

- to the brooding songwriter who is is worried that he might be sane,
- to the probably-medically-insane sculptor who enjoys life to the fullest,
- to the rock musician who has a day job and still yearns for fame,
- to the ballerina who had to quit because her chest size was too large (seriously that's an actual thing, and no laughing matter in my eyes),
- to the footballer whose promising career was cut short due to injury,
- to the guy who is considered world-famous by his friends but doesn't see it because he always thinks bigger (and that's part of his charm),
- to the illiterate father making up bedtime stories based on the pictures in his kids books,
- to the young kid who breaks the 'magical stage barrier' and has the courage to perform in front of his school even though he is scared that he will be teased even if he gets everything right,
- to the performer who hates the stage or simply wants a night off but still find themselves on stage to help their friends out...

You people are my heroes. If you saw yourself there, know that I salute you. Not because you are 'about to rock' - but because you already do.

Because that's the price of being artistic - we can't all be celebrities.

The world doesn't work like that - if everyone was famous, there would be no celebrities.


But anonymity is not failure, and it is not a lack of power.

Only anonymity truly affords us the right to be ourselves and have complete and utter creative control over our works. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine that many celebrities would like the same amount of power over their work.

You already have that power - now go and use it. And do so with a wisdom beyond your years."

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(Also, imagine that I am wearing a monocle when I say the last two sentences. And that you are a superhero and/or private detective. NO - A WRESTLER! It's good fun.)

I've been Paddy, and I think that Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama summed it up best, so I'll let him close this entry for me:

Zoidberg: "That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty, because no one cares."

Fry: "We're not listening!"

Zoidberg: "That's what I'm talking about."

(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a Devonport-based Level 36 Bard, and he totally forgot to tell you that the dubious honour of being 'the most illegally downloaded TV show in the entire recorded history of humanity' belongs to 'Dexter'.)

* Due to the fact that he was behind Hulk, he couldn't have actually pinned the backs of his shoulders down for win. I don't know what he was going to do about that. Just sayin'.

** Angus Young is the lead guitarist from AC/DC, who usually wears a T-shirt and jeans when not on stage (judging from his various interviews). I pretty much listened to only AC/DC for the first few years after learning to play guitar. Dad knew exactly what he was doing when he used him as an example.

CREDITS:

Writing, remembering pants:

Me

Research Consultants

Peter Walker

Sonia Burgess

Social Commentary

Heather-Jo Cusack
Terri Ritchie,
Kylie Richardson-Rahman
Brent 'Krusty' Brooking
Andrew J Bartlett

#2 - *MUSIC AS MAGIC*

"It's a Kind Of Magic!" from It's a Kind Of Magic, by Queen.

How boring would our lives be without Magic?

Magic is something that everyone needs at some time or another in their lives.

Why?


 I will try to explain.

Magic is something that can either be fully explained or fully enjoyed - rarely can it be both. Magic is something that can enrich our lives, or cause us pain (especially if we don't understand why).

(Have you guessed yet?)

Being a Magician is a funny thing - the more you know, the more you need to hide from the audience. People do not want maths and explanations when they are simply there to see a show. Sure, some of us are curious about Magic and how it works - but a Magic show is probably not the place for that, unless the Magician is particularly entertaining or charismatic.

We don't need to know everything in life - to understand every single physical law that the universe has - in order to enjoy life. That is why Magic is so important -  usually the Magician(s) are often the only ones who are aware of how a performance is crafted (where their hands should be, what their voice should doing etc.), and so when other people witness it, it often looks (and often sounds) like Magic.

(What about now? Any closer?)

Magic, when it really touches us in our hearts and minds, can change the colour of our day - or even make pain more bearable. A child's world is full of Magic, the Natural world is full of Magic. We are surrounded by Magic. Every sound that has ever been made is (when you stop and think about it) Magic. How can it not be?

These things may all be explained by Science, but as humans we recognise when a certain  piece of Magic strikes a chord with us - when it resonates with us. We can explain all the reasons WHY we feel this way about it, right down to the chemicals and the science of it, but that doesn't explain why it feels like it does. Nothing can. And that is the secret of Magic. That is why we have (in the past) thrown money at Magicians whose work we like.

(Do you see what I'm doing here? Does the phrase 'piece of Magic' seem suspicious?)

Freddie Mercury was probably the greatest Magician of all time - he was a fantastic pianist and vocalist, and a wonderful songwriter to boot. Also, he was the consumate performer - perfect. His Magic is living on long after the man himself has passed. The Magic that he made is still impacting on our lives. Is that NOT immortality, my friends? That is some very intense Magic indeed.

We need Magic, because it represents (and is the focus of) 2 very important ideas in the human experience:

1. The idea that "not knowing the inner workings of something" isn't always bad. (Scientifically-minded people need to remember this)

2. That we aren't the only ones who feel like we feel. (Emotional people need to remember this)

Magic is a gift from the universe, which we can use to become better people - or even just to relieve stress in our lives.

(TIME'S UP! Pens down, the 'answer' is below)

Okay, most of us would have realised by now that I was using the word Magic when I obviously meant the word Music (feel free to read the above passage again with this in mind). Some people noticed because it was capitalized the whole time, which marked it as a literary concept. Others noticed because it didn't actually make much sense and assumed I was either an inexperienced writer or trying to make a point, and they were right on both counts. Others would have realised it straight away because of the name of the article. And so on.

And everybody realised at different points. The same piece, the same batch of words - read differently by everyone. A customised reading experience for every single reader.

And that's what Music is. THAT'S why it's magical.

And that's why it's important. It's why ALL art is important.

Because it is a socially acceptable buffer for every single different person, and their emotions - even the unreasonable ones. This is very good for society.
In a bad mood? Play loud music.
In a quiet mood? Play Trance.
Feel intellectual? Listen to whatever music it is that challenges you mentally.
Want to PARTY HARD? I humbly submit Andrew W K, the Internet God of Hard Partying for your audio perusal!

(Watch out for the part where he uses the word 'party'. It's a corker.)

WARNING: This song is way more catchy than it has any right to be

There is a piece of music out there for every possible human emotion. And as new emotions get invented ('90s angst, anyone?), so do new types of music (Grunge, anyone?) to reflect this.

And if you can't find music to express your emotions with, you can WRITE IT.

I mean, why do you think songs get written in the first place? Very rarely do people BEGIN songwriting purely for money.

Consider this: Once upon a time, 2 young chaps called John Lennon and Paul McCartney didn't know how to play instruments or write original songs. Then, one day (for whatever reason) they started doing it together. Add a drummer and another guitarist, fast forward, and then - BLAM! - you're The Beatles.

I'm not saying you'll be The Beatles, but I AM saying that anything that you write is just as valid as anything that The Beatles wrote.

Because in my opinion, it's all a kind of magic.

I've been Paddy, and this sentence is my obligatory Mike Patton reference for today.

(Liam "Paddy" Padmore is a Devonport-based musician, who has Magic [sic] of varying types available for free download @ www.soundcloud.com under the name "PadmoreMusic")