Howdy, folks – Paddy here again. I hope you're all in fine health. :)
Today I'm going to use my powers for evil, and talk about wrestling.
I mean the Professional Wrestling (like the WWF), not Freestyle Wrestling (old-school Greek/Roman style.)
(And in case my buddy Krusty is reading: Detso Ritter's style is technically called 'Solo Freestyle'. You're welcome.)
I remember when I first started watching wrestling. I soon grew to love the whole vibe of it, the action figures, and - being an '80s male - the sheer macho cheesiness of it.
Now, for those of you who don't know anything about wrestling, let me explain a few things about it for you. Wrestling only really has 2 rules:
1) Don't leave the combat area or you forfeit the match.
2) To win, pin the back of your
opponents (or opponents') shoulders to the ground while the referee
counts to 3.
Rule 1 is often ignored for the sake of
entertainment, and Rule 2 is the only thing held sacred in wrestling.
When they want to show in a storyline that a referee is corrupt, they
just get him to break Rule 2. I believe that Wrestlemania IV had an
excellent example of this.
Apart from that, wrestling is basically
the real-life version of superhero comics:
- There are Heroes and Villains
- There are bizarre costumes (often
with masks)- It's mostly an excuse to watch adults punch each other
- Most characters have a 'Motif'. Batman with his bats, Hillbilly Jim with his... uh... Hillbilliness? Hickitude? Redneckosity? Whatever, you get the idea.
Okay, so - we now have a very basic idea of the whole wrestling thing.
******************************************************************************
Now, have you ever seen a movie called 'The Princess Bride'?
If you haven't, then GO AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!
(No, I'm not joking. Yes, I'll wait.
(2+ hours later) How'd you go? Yes, that WAS the guy out of 'Saw'
when he was younger. Is that all you got from it? SHEESH.)
Anyway, Fezzik - the giant? He was a
wrestler who went by the name of 'Andre The Giant', and he sadly
passed away quite some time ago. He features as a
'misunderstood/manipulated monster' type of Villain in our story. And
the Hero? Only HULK HOGAN.
(If you don't know who that is, he's
like a white Mr T. And for those of you who don't know who that is,
well -
imagine that Hulk Hogan is like Chuck Norris's crazy uncle. And to
everyone who already knew who he was, and just pictured Hulk Hogan as
Chuck Norris's crazy uncle: "NOW YOU WILL NEVER UNSEE IT. You're
welcome.")
Okay, so - the Hulk and Andre are
squaring off in the wrestling ring - which is actually a square and
not a ring at all (hence my puntastic opening to this current
sentence). At one point, Andre has the Hulkster locked into a
Full Nelson (which means that Hulk can't use his arms) and he starts
pushing Hulk to the ground, so the ref can start counting down*. But
Hulk struggles to get up, and he can't. Then he tries to get up
again, but this time he's looking at the audience, trying to wave his
hands to get them to make some noise. Eventually, the commentator
('Like' this post if you remember Mean Gene Okerland!) just says straight out
over the loudspeaker: "Hulk Hogan is trying to get everybody to
make some noise - maybe he is able to draw some type of strength from
their cheers!"
The weird thing is, I can't remember
what happens after that. You would think that that would be
the important part. The payoff. In fact, I'm not even 100 percent
sure that it even was Andre The Giant. I mean, in my head it
is - but mainly I just wanted to plug 'The Princess Bride' because I
think it's the second greatest movie ever made.
(I think that Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth'
is the greatest movie ever made.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway - here's what I do remember:
Dad: That's genius.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway - here's what I do remember:
Dad: That's genius.
Me: What is?
Dad: That story there. He's
getting the audience involved. That's great showmanship.
Me: Umm... It's not a story,
Dad.
Dad. Yes it is, Boy.
(That was his nickname for me, you see - possibly because I was a young male human. But I digress.)
(That was his nickname for me, you see - possibly because I was a young male human. But I digress.)
Me: But they didn't, like, just
sit down and write these moves out and practise them.
Dad: ...
Me: Did they?
Dad: Let me put it like this,
Boy - you need to understand that that stuff they're doing is really
very dangerous. If they don't land right, or they punch someone in
the wrong place, or whatever, then they could be in hospital for
weeks. The stuff that those guys are doing is the same type of stuff
that Olypmic Gymnasts get gold medals for. And fit? You'd need to be
in damn good shape.
Me: I don't get it. Wouldn't
their bosses find out, and fire them?
Dad: No, the bosses are in on it
too. But it's not a big conspiracy or anything, though. Let me put it
another way: wrestling isn't about fighting. It's about dancing in a
way that looks really tough. It's about the show, not the battle. The
battle IS the show. That's WHERE this type of wrestling came from -
travelling carnivals, things like that.
Me: So, when a wrestler lifts
another wrestler over his head before he bodyslams him, that's just
an act? Like, a dancer lifting another dancer? They aren't two
enemies, they're two friends?
Dad: Well, more like two guys
who work together than 'friends', but yes.
Me: But doesn't that make it a
lie?
Dad: Do you think a movie is a
lie? Do you think Angus Young** walks around all day in a schoolboy
outfit?
Me: No? Yes? No. That's a weird
question, Dad. It's like a lie, but it's okay because it's one that
we want to be told.
Dad: Same thing with wrestling,
Boy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Same thing with wrestling,
Boy.", says Dad.
And in that moment, my view of the entire world changed.
Because it wasn't a lie, was it? It was a beautiful, beautiful truth. It didn't destroy the magic – it upgraded it.
In my young eyes, that statement instantly evolved wrestling from 'a childish and violent sport' into 'a majestic and wonderful kingdom of awesome combat gymnasts'. Like an entire industry of non-asiatic Jackie Chans, you might say. If you were awesome, like me. Which you are.
And that's what showbiz is all about - because that's what life is all about. Not so much a lie, but a mystery.
A large part of the human experience revolves around teaching and storytelling, for instance. The best lessons and stories– the ones we tend to remember the most – are the ones that make us curious. That sense of mystery doesn't just keep boredom at bay, but it also serves as a fantastic incentive for artists to create, and for consumers to buy.
*******************************************************************************
Do you know what the most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time currently is?
(No, it's not Game Of Thrones. That's the second most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time.)
You didn't need to know before I asked, did you?
And now you're (probably at least a little bit) curious.
How does that work? Why do you care now, but not before you read it?
Well, if I could work out the answer to that, I would just keep on doing it and start charging you money for it. Isn't that what storytelling - and by extension, entertainment - is all about?
Consider this: Justin Bieber is a storyteller. You may not like his stories, or the way he puts them across, but you can't deny that is what he is doing – communicating feelings and/or ideas through expressive vocalization – is a form of storytelling.
And in that moment, my view of the entire world changed.
Because it wasn't a lie, was it? It was a beautiful, beautiful truth. It didn't destroy the magic – it upgraded it.
In my young eyes, that statement instantly evolved wrestling from 'a childish and violent sport' into 'a majestic and wonderful kingdom of awesome combat gymnasts'. Like an entire industry of non-asiatic Jackie Chans, you might say. If you were awesome, like me. Which you are.
And that's what showbiz is all about - because that's what life is all about. Not so much a lie, but a mystery.
A large part of the human experience revolves around teaching and storytelling, for instance. The best lessons and stories– the ones we tend to remember the most – are the ones that make us curious. That sense of mystery doesn't just keep boredom at bay, but it also serves as a fantastic incentive for artists to create, and for consumers to buy.
*******************************************************************************
Do you know what the most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time currently is?
(No, it's not Game Of Thrones. That's the second most illegally downloaded TV Show of all time.)
You didn't need to know before I asked, did you?
And now you're (probably at least a little bit) curious.
How does that work? Why do you care now, but not before you read it?
Well, if I could work out the answer to that, I would just keep on doing it and start charging you money for it. Isn't that what storytelling - and by extension, entertainment - is all about?
Consider this: Justin Bieber is a storyteller. You may not like his stories, or the way he puts them across, but you can't deny that is what he is doing – communicating feelings and/or ideas through expressive vocalization – is a form of storytelling.
So why is it that he's famous and (insert your favourite artist HERE) isn't?
Because Mike Patton (if you picked another favourite artist then that's just plain wrong) doesn't have as many fans prepared to throw money at him as Bieber does. I'm sorry, but that's the actual answer. It always comes back to cash. Skill, talent, and dedication can only enter you in the lottery of success – they cannot help you rig it. Luck and charisma are probably more important than intelligence and endurance.
So, I guess it all boils down to a simple idea:
It is the fans that make you a
celebrity - if you don't have fans, then you aren't a celebrity. They
give you the amount of attention required for the glamour of celebrity, you might say
(and indeed, I just did). The more fans you have, the more eyes are
directed at you. And the more eyes are on you, the more chances you
have to mess it all up. Once you have success, then maintaining the
success itself becomes your actual job.
So, there's the good news: It's not all bad at the bottom. There are huge benefits to your anonymity:
- You can make your art in the exact way that you want to – you don't have to think about sponsors, or agents, or even the public. You can afford to experiment, and to create your works at your own pace.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying jingle that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person who wrote that annoying pop song that everyone hates'.
- You're not 'the person with that retarded film clip on YouTube'.
So, I'd like to say something to everyone who has ever bared their soul to other humans in the name of art: if you ever felt unrecognised then please know that I wrote the ridiculously overworded text below for you.
*********************************************************************************
“To the starving artist who is
worried she might be crazy,
- to the brooding songwriter who is is
worried that he might be sane,- to the probably-medically-insane sculptor who enjoys life to the fullest,
- to the rock musician who has a day job and still yearns for fame,
- to the ballerina who had to quit because her chest size was too large (seriously that's an actual thing, and no laughing matter in my eyes),
- to the footballer whose promising career was cut short due to injury,
- to the guy who is considered world-famous by his friends but doesn't see it because he always thinks bigger (and that's part of his charm),
- to the illiterate father making up bedtime stories based on the pictures in his kids books,
- to the young kid who breaks the 'magical stage barrier' and has the courage to perform in front of his school even though he is scared that he will be teased even if he gets everything right,
- to the performer who hates the stage or simply wants a night off but still find themselves on stage to help their friends out...
You people are my heroes. If you saw yourself there, know that I salute you. Not because you are 'about to rock' - but because you already do.
Because that's the price of being artistic -
we can't all be celebrities.
The world doesn't work like that - if everyone was famous, there would be no celebrities.
But anonymity is not failure, and it is not a lack of power.
The world doesn't work like that - if everyone was famous, there would be no celebrities.
But anonymity is not failure, and it is not a lack of power.
Only anonymity truly affords us the
right to be ourselves and have complete and utter creative control
over our works. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine that many
celebrities would like the same amount of power over their work.
You already have that power -
now go and use it. And do so with a wisdom beyond your years."
*********************************************************************************
*********************************************************************************
(Also, imagine that I am wearing a
monocle when I say the last two sentences. And that you are a
superhero and/or private detective. NO - A WRESTLER! It's good fun.)
I've been Paddy, and I think
that Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama summed it up best, so I'll let him
close this entry for me:
Zoidberg: "That's
why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel
guilty, because no one cares."
Zoidberg: "That's what I'm talking about."
(Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is a
Devonport-based Level 36 Bard, and he totally forgot to tell you that the
dubious honour of being 'the most illegally downloaded TV show in the
entire recorded history of humanity' belongs to 'Dexter'.)
* Due to the fact that he was behind
Hulk, he couldn't have actually pinned the backs of his shoulders
down for win. I don't know what he was going to do about that. Just
sayin'.
** Angus Young is the lead guitarist
from AC/DC, who usually wears a T-shirt and jeans when not on stage
(judging from his various interviews). I pretty much listened to only
AC/DC for the first few years after learning to play guitar. Dad knew
exactly what he was doing when he used him as an example.
CREDITS:
Writing,
remembering pants:
Me
Research Consultants
Peter Walker
Sonia Burgess
Social Commentary
Heather-Jo Cusack
Terri Ritchie,
Kylie Richardson-Rahman
Brent 'Krusty' Brooking
Andrew J Bartlett
Terri Ritchie,
Kylie Richardson-Rahman
Brent 'Krusty' Brooking
Andrew J Bartlett
No comments:
Post a Comment